WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

Not new. Just generally sour and disapproving.

I could never enjoy myself while one of my children was in hospital

He's a typical man. Fucking selfish twat. What's he bringing to your life? You deserve better. You do not need him. Your daughter deserves better, as does your son.

Well when you’ve had a child with a long term illness you learn never to say never and also how important it is to look after yourself.

HTH

Have you ever been? I think the OP’s husband is a narcissistic dickhead for going…but Glastonbury is full of older culture loving people who love music, theatre, comedy, spectacle and a sense of community that can only be experienced at a festival.

And superb at missing the point. A child is in hospital, her father has fucked off on a jolly and doesn't give a shit, but what matters is - someone is using rude words to talk about it! To the Censorshipmobile, Boy Wonder!

Although it might just be because that person thinks it's OK to fuck off your family and sick hospitalised child if you had prior plans when it happened. But hey, they don't swear, so that's ok!

I haven’t read the whole thread but essentially, as someone who has personal experience of ED, I think your dh’s behaviour is understandable and maybe even a good thing.
EDs are incredibly destructive but also, essentially, self absorbed. The world for the sufferers contracts until essentially it just revolves around them. It’s a way of control in a scary world. It is really important for those with EDs to realise that actually life goes on with or without them. There is a life there that they could choose to jump back into, but they need to see that that life is there and that they are not taking part in it.
I hope that makes sense. I am not being unsympathetic to EDs. When your dh returns, I think it would be good for your daughter to see you have a few days away with friends/your other children.

If you had read all OP's posts, you would have seen that he never prioritises his wife or his daughter. He wouldn't even pick his wife up from hospital after she had a general anaesthetic and wasn't allowed to drive.

OP is the one that is caring for their daughter and she has said:

'Except dh hasn’t actually been shouldering any of the stress. I have.'

No-one with any sort of moral compass would think that it was OK to fuck off to Glastonbury for a few days while their daughter was hospitalised due to an ED. No-one who genuinely loved and cared for their sick daughter could enjoy themselves in these circumstances.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging the traits you have ascribed to possible autism also fit sociopathy. The word 'sociopath' can conjure up images of school shooters and gang leaders, but sociopathy doesn't have to include violence. At heart, they just consider themselves to be the only one who matters, with everyone else being animals, subhumans, at best pets - we exist purely to service them. Your husband soothed you over last year because the possibility of you not serving his wants raised it's head, but who he really is can't be masked for long.

I think considering he may be autistic set you up to put up with more than you should have. Swap the words. He may be a sociopath. Do you feel you have to make allowances to the same degree?

My mum was a terrible mother. Really complacent and uncaring. When I was in the hospital for the three months, she never left the building.
So I can safely say, if my mum couldn’t manage it, I sure as shit couldn’t.

Sorry but you really are talking nonsense.

Exactly this and exactly what we were told by multiple professionals- it also proved to be right.

I hope you and your DD are doing ok. I totally get the point around taking what you can, but it really sounds here as if OP partner hasn’t done his share (or any) for some time so doesn’t need to take any more!

Ive benefitted from respite care (not for ED) and consider that most people taking a break would be in need of it (perhaps a more relaxing format, but concede that’s his choice). For a full time primary carer a multi day thing would be reasonable - DH is taking five days and OP says he’s been shouldering NONE of the care.

Even during respite / breaks, it is reasonable (unless preagreed) to expect to ask for updates that the patient (and the person still doing the care) are doing ok.

PS - it seems from your response that you somehow feel criticism is directed at you or for anyone taking break/respite? I’m certain that isn’t the case - it’s specific to this OPs partner.

There is absolutely no way, on this earth, that anything or anyone could convince me to go a four day festival while my child was in hospital.
That is an absolute.

@SunD0wn I hope your daughter continues to recover. I wanted to make a comment in support of some of what you've said - I think it's easy to say 'I would never... I could never...' when you haven't been there. I also have some experience of autism/anorexia within the family. Our experience was some years ago, and our family member did not survive the illness. She was in hopsital/treatment wards for almost a decade. And in that time, although of course it was always present, life went on to an extent it is hard to believe when you haven't lived it. It has to.
I think where I might disagree with you is that from what the OP has written here it sounds like what life going on might look like for her is separating from her husband, with this being the final straw. It might not. Only she can know how much this is another nail in the coffin with an incapable and selfish man she doesn't want to be with, and how much it is a poor response to a stressful situation. Dealing with a situation like their family is facing does put strain on people and ideally you would give each other grace and space. But from a position of both doing so, and pulling together, and recognising that neither of you is your best self in this situation but you both care and you are both trying. In that situation, I absolutely agree with you that facing it together is important (we had a lot of family therapy too). But that doesn't sound like the situation as the OP has described it to me.

OP, I wish all the best for your daughter, and for you.

Ok so assuming that I and other parents in my position care a jot what you would do you really have no right to lecture how any parent of an ill child manages their condition and the horrific journey that goes with it.

We followed professional advice, it proved to be exactly right and what you choose to brag about is not professional advice.

Swearing isn't an indication of social class. The upper and middle classes use bad language as much as what you would call 'the lower classes'. You just come across as a petit bourgeois snob.

The thread is about a woman who is struggling to parent a child in hospital alone while her husband fucks off to a festival without so much as a “how is she?” Text.

I can judge. If you don’t want your situation to be brought into the conversation, don’t share it in support of his appalling behaviour.

Thank you I appreciate that and agree with a lot of what you say.

I think threads like this are hugely dangerous though, particularly with something like anorexia. EDs swoop in and gain strength with division. Now is not the time to be following advice from frothing MNers baying for blood.

Op I really think you need to go back to CAMHs and ask for support or raise this in family therapy if you’ve started it. Whether your marriage is resolvable or not now really isn’t the time to be battling and dragging children into it. Getting through the next few months with some kid of unity and calm is crucial- as is taking time for yourselves. When he returns discuss you getting some time to yourself. If your dh can’t step up then get your mum too. Try to avoid big rows and confrontation.

The marriage difficulties can wait, giving what your daughter needs now can’t.

My experience is relevant. You can judge all you like but it’s still ridiculous and pretty ignorant as you clearly have zero experience of living with a child who has a long term illness.

Thousands of parents endure multiple long stay hospital stays. They do not have the other parent on permanent standby. Most of us have jobs we’re desperately trying to cling on to for a start.

OP's DH sound like as much fun as a bout of diarrhoea. Your continued cheerleading for him, even though OP has made it very clear that he makes no sacrifices for his family, who all correctly think that he is a fucking knob, is ridiculous and tone deaf.

Hopefully, OP will go through with splitting from him this time and his children will vote with their feet and not bother with him. He will then be another middle-aged divorced man lamenting that his wife has turned his kids against him as they don't want to see him.

The bad language is often used to increase the melodramatic tone I find

the narrative is that the man/husband/Dads needs are not important and must always come below the women’s and kids. In reality relationships and families are more nuanced than that. It’s a ridiculous manifestation of modern parenting and sexism. It’s not so long ago that the parents would go to the pub every Saturday and the kids would just be there. None of this their priorities coming above the parents. There would be no question about it the dad wanted to go to the pub, or a football match or a gig. They work hard to provide for their families all week so why not

Also if the shoe was on the other foot the man would get called controlling and probably even abusive for trying to stop the wife from going on a trip. You can hear the hysterical howls now of strangers trying to convince her to leave an otherwise excellent relationship of many years or even decades for something like that

Exactly. He's a guy number 1 and autistic to boot, so he's going to hear 'you can go ' and think he can go. You can't tell someone it's ok and just hope they will know what you really think because it's obvious to you.

Also this sounds like a long term issue for your DD so him going away for a few days isn't the end of the world.

Just make sure you book in some R&R time for yourself whilst he carries the load a bit when he returns.

I really don't think you should get your knickers in a twist about this one. Just be clear about what you think and what you need from him before, rather than after the event.

@SunD0wn what you have described is two parents working as a team, sharing the load and most importantly, both communicating.
What the OP has described is nothing like that - not just with this weekend, but years of her husband leaving her to be the default parent. The situations aren't comparable. She has already shared about how she has brought this up with him in the past and that he has continued to avoid responsibility and ignore anyone else's feelings. The older children are already involved in it by living with and seeing their dad behaving like a teen with no responsibilities, hence why they've told her they're not surprised.

I understand what you're saying about not dragging them into it, but given they're already very aware, ignoring it and pretending his behaviour is fine isn't ok. Acknowledging that with them is fair enough, though obviously not going further than that.