WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

What an arsehole.

You've not got a foggy clue about eating disorders have you?

It's hard enough to get a child or teenager or even adult to agree to be seen, much of the time it's against their wishes, it's even harder to get them placed on some sort of section or hold because they're often deemed to have capacity in order to make autonomous choices to self discharge or decline help until their bodies are at crisis point.

Their muscles atrophy, their organs slowly stop working, their bodies don't get enough minerals and they start to feel weak and dizzy, it affects the sinus rhythm of the heart, they can absolutely be in the danger zone for a long time, but they can also be in it for a short time too.

There's also a postcode lottery for support you're offered with a limited number of specialist beds in rehabilitation facilities where if you weigh over lbs or ozs of their arbitrary figure you're not considered a priority while you're wasting away in some general ward in a general district hospital, unable to get to the bathroom without the risk of falling or collapsing, where even a few steps can cause so much stress on your frail little body, and every time you pass a mirror you hate the person you see, and there are mirrors everywhere in these hospitals, which pushes back any desire for recovery you had because these facilities are not purpose built for the recovery of eating disorders, while the food you're served is disgustingly unappealing, scary and traumatic to face eating while you have doctors breathing down your neck like harbingers of doom.

If you haven't got a clue about how frightened the OP is about her daughters recovery, don't make such stupid assumptions that a few days getting pissed or high at a festival will be absolutely fan-diddly-tastic for her husband and it'll all be a-ok, or tell her to take some breathing space when all she will want to do right now is breathe the air her child is breathing.

You must be beside yourself about your DD. I hope she makes positive progress soon. What a terribly worrying time for you. I hope you are okay.
Regarding your DH, I think what he’s done is unforgivable. Where are his priorities supporting you while you support DD?

There are mums who do this too, lots of nursery/teacher friends talk about mums going off on holidays etc when their children are ill/upset due to divorce etc. Never heard of one going off to Glastonbury without a ticket yet, though. No more acceptable either way.
When you talked about his ASD last year, did he get any treatment/support? A lot of adults are now being diagnosed with AuDHD and the right support can make a massive difference to them and their families. Is your son also getting support, partuclarly if he's home alone when you're at the hospital? And are you getting support, from parents/in-laws etc? You need looked after too.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging

A quick google says that vehicles parked in the car park cant be slept in. So if he is a work van or similar, he will still need a tent.

If he is in a campervan he would need a seperate ticket, which are limited, to get admission to that area. They are usually released shortly after festival tickets and sell out very very quickly.

I am not posting this to pour salt in the wound, but as information to help you expose his utter bullcrap.

How is it that simple? Do you think OP can time travel and change the fact that she is married to him and has an ill child with him?

When he gets back book yourself into a hotel for the same number of days. He can look after your dd. You need time off to have some quiet time to recover. You are doing intensive caring and you’ll need a break.

I’d say a typical autistic person would rather eat a turd than go to a festival. Sensory overload, people everywhere. My ds is autistic and he wouldn’t go even if he was paid.

I'm so sorry. That's so hard. I really hope your daughter will be well.

@Mintsj there's no such thing as a typical autistic person. I'm autistic, I love festivals. Sensory seeking, and music being a special interest.

The issue isn't whether or not he may or may not be autistic. The issue is he's an arsehole who is aware his daughter is seriously ill and decided to fuck off all responsibilities to her and his family.

He shouldn't have even considered it, let alone asked. The asking was the problem even before the going. He's totally lacking decency and empathy. Does he not care your your DD at all?!?!? He's not once checked in on her!!!

Surely the days of bunking in under/over the are long gone? This is not the real 90s!

This!

Yes he is a selfish arse. I'm holding on for the update from him that "you said he could go"

Yeah, he’s a selfish cunt.

Bear in mind you told him to go, if he is autistic he just followed your logic and went, that's how the autistic mind works.

Not sure he's autistic, maybe just a selfish twat.

He's comfortable travelling to Glastonbury, without a ticket, and not knowing where he'll end up?

Autistic or not (my son and father have it so I have some experience personally aside from clubs etc designed for neurodiverse people I attend) and very black and white thinking, he should still know this is a dickhead move.

You need some support in this situation. He doesn't even have tickets! Have you told him how you feel? It's not like he's cancelling a paid up, booked, non-refundable trip.

The level of uncaring selfishness it takes to head off on a jolly when your child is hospitalised with a mental illness is off the scale. I could not forgive this.

he hasnt even asked how his dd is hes not fucking autistic

OMG what a disgusting person he is, I won’t say man because there are some decent ones out there. I can see why you have switched off. I would be seriously considering getting yourself sorted and leaving him, what dose he actually contribute to your family?

I grew up with old school manly men, main blue collar earners but none of them would ever behave like this. My DF & DBs ( all my uncles too) would do just as much housework/cooking etc.. The women were mainly children related but if any child was ever in hospital the men would be there if they weren’t doing childcare so mums could be. I remember my mums brother, he was the only one child free at the time travelling by overnight coach across country to look after me and my little brother when my older brother was rushed to hospital. Between him and my Dads brothers they sorted out transport to get my parents to and from hospital, it was the 70s and hardly anyone drove. It was also my first holy communion, one of my uncles gave up his one and only day off to get my mum and dad to the church before taking us all back to be with my brother. My skinhead 22 yo uncle tried to do my hair but it was fixed by my much older uncle who had 3 DDs older than me and was a wiz at up dos when I got to the church.

I’ve actually rolled my eyes in hospitals when they automatically assume I will be the one staying with my child. Most A& E trips ( there has been a few) have been done by DH. When one of my DDs was really unwell and was in and out of hospital for months DH (our sole earner, in a very important job) took 2 weeks off work to drive her all over the country to see specialists. This is what good Dads do, not fuck off to a music festival.

I can’t imagine what this is saying to your poor DD. I hope she gets the help she needs OP, you too and I hope you are able to move on from this fucking looser twat!

If he is autistic like you keep mentioning, black and white thinking etc you’ve said “go if you want” he’s taken that literally and gone.
You can’t really be mad.

I think it’s absolutely shocking that a father would fuck off to Glastonbury while his tormented daughter is ill in hospital. Mind-blowing lack of emotional support for her and you. Just. WOW. Wow. His head is so far up his arse it’s unreal.
When I was briefly in hospital with a totally lesser thing as a teen, both parents were there to visit and my dad, worried sick, bought me a big daft teddy. That’s what I consider a normal fatherly response. It would not have crossed his mind for one second to go to a sodding festival.

(The poor mite, I hope she responds to any interventions).

Have you read anything about the psychology of eating disorders?

There are some theories that children’s eating disorders are related to marital discord comes primarily from systemic and psychodynamic family approaches, particularly the work of Salvador Minuchin. In these models, the child’s eating disorder is seen as a symptom of wider family dysfunction, especially unresolved conflict between parents. Often, the child becomes the “identified patient,” unconsciously drawing attention away from parental discord and creating a point of unity—however temporary—for the family. This dynamic can involve enmeshment, triangulation, or the child taking on a caregiving or peacekeeping role. Psychodynamically, the eating disorder may serve as a defence against overwhelming anxiety or emotional chaos in the family, allowing the child to exert control or communicate distress nonverbally. Attachment theory also supports this, suggesting that children exposed to emotionally unavailable or conflicted parenting may develop disordered eating as a self-regulatory strategy. In all models, the eating disorder reflects not just individual pathology but a response to relational tensions within the family system.

Sorry, but he’s a selfish piece of shit. Just as a comparison, when I went into hospital last year my partner did everything he could for me and my child.