WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

He need to seriously step up and start taking an interest in his daughter’s health on his return. Even if he didn’t realise how serious EDs are, just a normal level of care and concern for her health rather than his fun and entertainment would have seen him stay at home and be there for each other. Autism doesn’t give people a free pass to avoid parenting their child.

Feeling for you and your DD with her being so dreadfully ill with such a dangerous condition. I am stuck on your use of the word miffed, which I think of as meaning mildly annoyed. I, as most others here, would be raging angry, miffed doesn't come close to it.
They should be offering family therapy when a child is suffering from anorexia. I hope they do and that it helps you all work through this and you can make decisions that are right for you and DD.

My DH is autistic (diagnosed) and he would be there in this situation. No way would he be going anywhere by choice.

If your DH is autistic, there is a high correlation between autism and ED, so something to keep in mind when this crisis has passed.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging
Firstly, by leaving it up to him you basically gave him a free pass to go, because you basically said I'm fine for you to go.
Secondly, they are checking your daughter's obs at the weekend, she's not been admitted to hospital therefore she must be stable. If she was at risk, they would have kept her.
Thirdly, you make reference to autistic traits. Some people with autism struggle with showing empathy. Either that or maybe he genuinely can't deal with his daughter having an eating disorder so the easiest thing to do, is go away for a few days because then he doesn't have to think about.
I do think you are being somewhat unreasonable as you've not seen the bigger picture.

I’d be past giving a fuck how autistic minds work. Others on this thread have said their autistic partners would be at the hospital every day.she only said to go because he asked, and now she should be divorcing him. Choices have consequences.

Hi @Hopetheportaloosareminging sorry to hear your DD is finding it difficult at the moment with her ED.
My DS has ARFID and although more steady at the moment, the checks, tests, possible admittance to hospital (the worry of it all and logistics of family life) is never easy. You must be exhausted!

As a slight aside, do you know if your area has an outpatient ED clinic that supports her ED type? Ours does and so we were able to go there weekly/every other week when DS had to get bloods done and have obs done. It was so much less stressful than going to the hospital each time.

Hope your DD is ok and her obs are better on Saturday when the nurse comes.

As for your DH, he sounds very much like mine - unless you spell it out exactly, he will take things literally. You said he could go (albeit in a jokey way) so he maybe thinks you didn’t mind.

Or... you could read the fucking thread.

I already posted two comments in this thread and more thoughts came into my mind hours later.

OP, I just want to gently say — you are going through hell right now, and it’s completely understandable that you’re hurt, shocked, and angry. Your partner disappearing to Glastonbury while your daughter is unwell in hospital? Yeah. That’s a huge emotional punch in the gut.
But… right now, your daughter needs you more than ever. And you need to protect your energy as much as possible so you can get through this very intense, emotionally draining time. Hospital visits, obs checks, uncertainty — it’s a lot. Please be kind to yourself.
As for your DH — there is definitely a conversation that needs to happen. Maybe even a big one, depending on how things unfold. But you don’t have to tackle that right now. That talk can wait until your daughter is more stable and you have the capacity to actually process what you need from him, without it coming from a place of sheer exhaustion or crisis mode.
Maybe jot down what you’re feeling in the meantime — what hurt, what support you expected, what you need moving forward. That way, when things settle a bit, you’ll be able to clearly express what’s been building up.
But for now? Focus on your girl. Get through this patch. Let people around you help where they can (even if it's just someone bringing over food or watching your DS for an hour).
You’re clearly a loving and devoted mum. Just make sure you don’t burn yourself out trying to carry it all — because your wellbeing matters too.

I do think it's worth considering the possibility that your DH does have difficulties around emotional processing or empathy, especially if he shows clear autistic traits. Autism can absolutely impact how a person interprets social cues, prioritises actions, or responds to others' distress — not out of malice or selfishness, but because their internal logic works differently.
On the point of empathy and possible autism traits — fair enough that may affect how he processes situations, but it doesn’t absolve someone from basic communication or presence. Autistic or not, if your partner and child are dealing with a medical emergency, and you go radio silent and physically absent, it’s going to feel like abandonment. Even if the intention wasn’t malicious.
That said… understanding a reason is not the same as excusing the impact.
Your daughter is 12 and in crisis. You are exhausted, scared, and probably emotionally running on fumes. In that moment, you needed your partner — not necessarily to solve everything, but to show up. To be there. And he wasn’t. Whether that’s because he literally couldn’t grasp the emotional weight of the situation, or because he was overwhelmed and shut down, or even just laser-focused on his plans… the result is the same for you: you felt alone, unsupported, and dismissed.
You said “go if you want” — and I think too many of us would recognise that tone. It’s the “I shouldn’t have to tell you not to go, because surely you get that this is serious” tone. That he didn’t get it may well be down to neurodivergence. But that still leaves you holding all the emotional and practical weight — again.
If he is autistic, then maybe it’s time for a really honest conversation about how to make the emotional labour in your family more sustainable — especially during crises. Because the solution can’t be “you always have to carry the weight because he doesn’t mean harm.”
You deserve support.
Your daughter deserves both parents engaged and available.
So no, you're not being unreasonable. You’re asking for the bare minimum of partnership during an incredibly tough time — and that’s okay.

Yes you said he could go if he wanted , but that wasn't a free pass to be a bad parent.

Agree with @Fratolish this and leaving you to get a taxi home last year is completely unforgivable.

"Unspoken expectations lead to unmet resentments" - if have said that I needed him to be there for DD and myself...

Its the other way around, surely? Unmet expectations lead to unspoken but real resentments.

Oh eating disorder! I wondered what ED was. Only thing I could think of was erectile dysfunction and obvs it's not that!

My ex was like this, so selfish it sometimes resembled narcissism but not quite, because it didn't have malice and intentionality, it was a complete lack of consideration for others.

I was late diagnosed ADHD and didn't consider my ex had autism till my son was diagnosed, and a woman who nannied for my 2 kids after school commented that my son was very similar to his father and the penny dropped for me.

There is a very common relationship combination of hyper empathetic ADHD women partnering with autistic men that lack empathy, and our empathy leads us to make all sorts of excuses on their behalf for their inconsiderate behaviour.

Only you can know if the relationship is worth it for you, what does he do that is good and improves your life versus how much he drains you.

I was a shell of my former self by the time my relationship ended due to the compromises or 'accommodations' I was making for my ex, I wasn't looking after myself. I am so much happier alone.

Is you daughter diagnosed neurodivergent? If not, you should look into it, there is a high prevalence of neurodiversity in people with eating disorders and not taking that into account in her treatment will mean the treatment is not as likely to be successful.

My late husband was autistic. He could be empathetic AND completely oblivious. I remember being sick one time and worried about it. He lay on the bed with me and read for a day and a half. When I later commented that I could have been in real trouble he said if I'd passed out he would have acted but I was still conscious so nothing to worry about.
He was a great husband in fact, just not always terribly aware. Took very good care of the cats (we don't have kids).

Black and white thinking doesnt just apply to some (note - some, not all) people with ASD's, it applies to fucking selfish bellends too. In my family we have both, one group cant help how they react, the other most definitely can.

He has an uncurable case of selfishness, not ASD. His black and white thinking is about him v everyone else. He will always put himself first, not because he CANT put anyone else first, the OP said he improved massively when it became clear she was about to leave, but because HE DOESNT WANT TO. He did what was needed at the time to stop her leaving and making his life harder. He wanted his life easy, so he did the bare minimum to keep that status quo. But then a big real life thing happened to someone who wasnt him and who needed him, at the same time as something that he really wanted to do. So he did what he wanted to do.

Selfish cunts will always be selfish cunts. They may hide it for a while but it creeps back out again eventually.

I think ThisTicklishFatball gives great advice.

It sounds like you tuned out to protect yourself some time ago and the fact that doing that doesn’t really protect you has sadly come home to roost. It must be heartbreaking. But you didn’t give him permission to go. He’s a grown man and your permission isn’t required. You told him to do what he wanted to in the situation. And he did what he wanted. It’s a very clear form of communication, whatever his reason for doing it and it seems like it’s not a one off.

So look after yourself. Don’t take responsibility for his actions. And when you have the capacity, decide what you want regarding your relationship and take whatever action you need to.

All my best to you and your DD. It’s such a scary illness, I hope she sees improvement soon.

My guess is that they don’t have joint bank accounts but I really hope they do. If so, why don’t you trawl through the accounts a bit for the tickets @Hopetheportaloosareminging

What a lovely caring family you sound..It was moving to read this.

If you know one person with autism that's it, you know one person with autism.

There are sensory seeking profiles and some autistic people will love festivals.

Leave him. He sounds nasty anyway. Maybe having a nicer atmosphere at home will help her.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.

This is the problem I think.

If he is autistic or he has traits or just thinks 'in straight lines', in his head he asked you if it was OK to go and you said, 'yes'.

He doesn't hear the sarcasm or the humour or see the body language.

'Yes' in his head means yes, go, have fun, see you soon.

@spicedapplestew following with interest here, I didnt realise there was a correlation with autism and eating disorders. My ex autistic DP was very particular with food/controlled about his physique. It was almost like an obsession. He wasn't anorexic so I didnt think much about it but was regimental.

As someone who's partner flew to Germany when one of our children was ill, who did a 6 hour drive with me to fetch a child in crisis, who moved in for 4 days with an independent sick child, I can't relate to these actions, sorry.

Why does the realisation of autism only manifest after marriage and the birth of children. Is it not there before. Or, just maybe, it's just an excuse. Does it make any difference. You live with it or you don't. Or it is easier if you have a reason for bad behaviour.

This is really shocking OP, I’m so sorry. Have you had any contact with him overnight?