AIBU to refuse to pay for friend’s suitcase

[mummysmagicmedicine]

Hello everyone

Buckle up this may be a long one.
My friends and I are going on our annual long weekend abroad. We have known each other since we were teenagers and are now all 30’s and married with kids. There is 6 of us total.

My friend in question, let’s call her Mary. Mary has several holidays a year and eats out etc at least 3 nights a week. She has been like that since we were teenagers and would go clubbing more nights a week than not yet claims she can’t afford xyz. She’s always been financially impulsive like this but I also understand everyone’s financial situations and priorities are different. The reason I have mentioned this will be relevant towards the end of the post. Her travel plans to the airport have fallen through, neither her nor her DH drive so she can’t drive and she said she cannot afford a cab, refuses to get rail replacement or a bus or coach because she can’t do those, suggested she takes a travel sickness tablet but she said she can’t take those. She also has never suffered from travel sickness in all the time I’ve known her (since school) but I’m aware this can change. She doesn’t live locally to us any more but none of us live closer than an hour to each other but requested one of us drive to central London to pick her up the night before (a four hour round trip on a good day). Due to work and childcare commitments, none of us will be able to pick her up the night before anyway but none of us could house her either. I am the only one with spare rooms but we will be having large building works at the time so we won’t have any space for an extra person.

She says she can’t afford a hotel so can’t stay at the airport the night before. Back to the point, I was supposed to be sharing a suitcase with her, only going Friday to Monday so no point having a large checked bag to myself so we were going to share. Unfortunately as she doesn’t think she’ll be able to make the holiday now, she’s requested I pay her back the £50 for her half of the suitcase (I booked but she transferred) as she won’t be using the suitcase now if she won’t be coming and she’s already losing out money for cancelling her holiday. I am sympathetic because a few hundred pounds is a lot to lose but equally especially with our current renovations, I haven’t financially planned to lose an extra £50 when I won’t be using the whole suitcase anyway but she is demanding I pay her £50. I don’t want to lose a friendship over this, we’ve been close for ages, bridesmaids at each other’s weddings etc but equally especially with the holidays coming up and paying for childcare/ entertainment for the kids on top of our existing renovations I don’t want to lose £50.

For context, the remaining four in my group and work collegues etc think I shouldn’t have to pay Mary £50 because if she’s cancelling her holiday, that’s not to do with me as unfortunate as it is but I’m keen to hear an outsider’s POV.

YABU- I should pay Mary £50 because she’s not using the suitcase anymore

YANBU- don’t pay Mary £50

Thank you lovelies!

wow that Mary is a massive princess, isn't she? The list of perfectly normal things she won't do is getting longer and longer.

Why? The suitcase has already been paid for and no refund is possible.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but what would you be doing for luggage if you hadn’t gone halves on a checked case, OP?

If you would have had to pay the full £100 yourself, I would refund her money, annoying though her faffing and backtracking is. If you would have used a cheaper option I would refund her whatever leaves you no more out of pocket than that. Basically I’d aim to ensure my costs were no more or less than they would have been if she hadn’t booked.

She’s coming up with every excuse under the sun not to go - this is a her problem not yours.

Do not give her £50 - she’s paid for a non refundable service she’s choosing not to use.

Shes an absolute piss taker

Then she’s making the choice. The hold allowance she’s paid for is already a sunk cost, there is no recovering it from you or the airline.

YANBU. She agreed to split the case, you booked it, she bailed — not your fault. It’s annoying she’s out of pocket, but that’s not on you.

Beige xx

Would've been easier all round if Mary just flew from her "local" airport and met you at destination with her own case. A long weekend only needs a carry on size bag.

I would tell her that as she is bailing, then she needs to suck up the costs. Why should you be out of pocket for her inability to organise herself better.

She sounds like she us putting hurdles up so that she doesn't have to go on the holiday.

Thanks for assuming I’m privileged, but OP does say in her first post ‘only going Friday to Monday so no point having a large checked bag to myself so we were going to share.’ Was that not a clue?

I suggest that next time, OP takes the dog on holiday instead of Mary - he sounds less demanding!

Edited because I was asking why who has literal possession of the suitcase was relevant but can see now that people were confused over what buying a suitcase means in this context.

OP agree with everyone else - Mary sounds weird and a right pain, morally you are under no obligation to pay her back. Personally I would say "you not being able to afford to lose the £50 doesn't mean I can suddenly afford to pay an extra £50."

However you say you don't want to lose her as a friend so it all depends on whether her friendship is worth more than £50 to you. Could you ask the others if they could donate a tenner each and in exchange can use the extra space in your suitcase?

I suppose technically from her pov if she had booked the suitcase and you transferred her, she would have got some money back (or a voucher) from cancelling her flight albeit rarely all of it so you would then have had to buy your own suitcase -obviously that wouldn't have been fair on you either but she probably would have got some money back.

But she really is acting very oddly.

Why on earth can’t she take public transport?

It doesn’t sounds as if physically she can’t. TBH she sounds like a PITA - I wouldn’t pay her - it would seem her own choice not to go after all. Plus given all the eating out/clubbing, it doesn’t exactly sound as if she’s skint.

I think your friendship with Mary has run its course. She sounds pretty awful tbh.

Proper laughed out loud. 😂😂😂Brilliant.

OP, the thread has gone off on a tangent and you're probably no nearer in making a decision as to whether to pay Mary £50 but I hope the thread has given you a laugh!! 😂

No it’s not up to you to cover her lost expenses. Lots of people saying pay for the sake of the friendship but friendships are a two way thing so if one person pushes the boundary with an unreasonable expectation, why is it up to the other person to agree. Surely Mary should respect the friendship? It looks to me like Mary is not happy that things aren’t going her way. I’m curious if she has already cancelled her flight and hotel or if she is just threatening to. Or if she’s just not going to go, in which case I assume op will have a room to herself, why is Mary not expecting this back too? Is there a chance Mary is calling the groups bluff and expects op to sort out her transport and overnight rather than pay her £50. Either way have a look at that friendship op because it seems off. Good luck going forward, Mary sounds like hard work

and Mary has already paid. Sunk cost. It doesn't suddenly become unaffordable extra expense because she no loger wants to go.

All entirely irrelevant!

Staying at any of their houses entailed a 4 hour return trip to collect Princess Mary, which none of them can accomplish on a work Friday the night before they go away!

With Mary, living in the country’s best connected transport hub, apparently unable to get to the friend’s houses by public transport.

Surely as this Mary lives in central London she MUST be used to using public transport (particularly as her and partner dont drive!) I can't get my head round why she can't get herself to the airport?!
Shes a bit dumb to not pay travel insurance
Also I'm struggling with the logistics of sharing a suitcase with someone who lives hours away?? Do you literally meet at the airport open up all your cases and shove extra stuff in just before check in.

Next year see if you can minimise your own packing so you can get everything in to a carry on bag.

Haha at the idea that travel insurance would pay out on the basis that someone living in central London refuses to take public transport to the airport.

She's either a massive pain in the ass or she doesn't actually want to go anymore because who would put up all these barriers ??? No tube/train/ coach/ taxi - refuses to stay at a friends because they have a dog in the downstairs area / refuses to stay in a hotel or Airbnb alone (unsure how this came about as a solution if she's too skint to afford petrol for someone to pick her up)

This is really unfair, OP is saying both she and Mary can afford to attend something they both agreed to do and paid for in advance - what she isn't willing to do is pay for a negative (i.e. Mary's change of mind/a big suitcase she doesn't need).

Op hasn't said she literally couldn't afford the £50 in the sense that it would make the difference between feeding her kids that week or not, just that she doesn't want to lose it for something that has nothing to do with her - if Mary had booked her own individual suitcase nobody would be suggesting OP should refund her the cost if that.

Mary is being an ass.

On another note though, who's name is the bag checked under because if it's Mary's then you won't be able to take it unless the airline switches it to your name.

That is very much her problem then.

Mary is a spoilt overgrown child. We have similar in our group, a friendship group from teens.

Have I got this right?

Mary lives in Central London where she presumably spends all of her money on rent and socialising while you lot have been very boring moving to cheaper areas with space for the kids spending your money on boring things like mortgages, car insurance etc.

In her mind you have those things and she doesn't. She doesn't make the connection that you made sacrifices for the upfront costs of these things she just sees the situation as one where she is less fortunate and you should all pull together to solve any problem.

I don't think she wants to get out of the holiday. From her perspective; I can't believe none of them will pick me up, they all drive and I don't. How can they be refusing to put me up, they have big houses, we have a studio apartment. Why should I have to suck up the price of a hotel,, they should be pitching in, we are supposed to be going as a group and this isn't my fault. Well if they won't help I'll threaten not to go. Oh no that hasn't worked, I'll push it a bit more with the suitcase cost demands, no way am I going to be another 50 down when I'm not even going! She's going to have a suitcase all to herself now.

OP you've said you're a pushover and you've said your friends don't think you should pay. I suspect they are far more tired of Mary's entitled demands than you are. I would not pay. I might message and say "I'll see if I can get a refund and just take carry on. If they issue one I'll give you half." Send one email and leave it at that.

The absolute cheek of her expecting you guys to drive out and collect her.

Interestingly everyone got way less obliging towards the Mary in our group when we were in our 30s and money / spare time had to be more carefully budgeted. Mary simply got more outraged and vocal with her tantrums. This is what's going on here and you are all correct to not give in. The sad thing (in our group) is that as the years have gone on Mary gets included in less and I know she's hurt by this. I also didn't drive for years, was retraining so very short on money, had to rent but I never expected anyone else to parent me, these were my choices. If I couldn't manage it I didn't go.

Don't pay her.

Another option os deflecting responsibility entirely.

"Sorry, I only budgeted X because we were sharing cost. We cant cancel it either. Fingers crossed your insurance can cover it xx"