I’m so fed up of this was I unreasonable?

[giraffes2021]

I feel like I’m close for cutting contact.

Mother is hard work she is quite the conspiracy theorist and constantly going on about conspiracy’s etc so the relationship is strained as I struggle with some of her thoughts but I plod on I dont tend to argue with her or pull her up on it as it ends up in an argument. Stuff like my daughter shouldn’t play football, dinosaurs aren’t real, my son shouldn’t play with dolls houses, Beyoncé’s a demon, pinks transgender that sort of thing.

Anyway today she was moaning that she has stated ‘immigrants’ are taking the fruit off the trees on her street to sell and she’s fuming about it as they come over here take our money blah blah blah the usual stuff (not quite sure how she knows they are immigrants but anyway by the by) To which I said to her they are entitled to eat the fruit off the trees as they are human beings!!!

She then sent me a nasty voice note saying that she cannot stand people like me (exact words) that I piss her off I’m weak wiled and liberal. Anyway I didn’t reply as it was my children’s sports day, she turned up to sports day fair enough she was unsure if she was coming initially but I gave her the cold shoulder I was civil but I’m so fed up of her talking to me like rubbish. Anyway she left after 5 minutes saying it was too much for her too busy and then an hour later sent me a nasty message - saying if I ever disrespect her again she will take my skin off.

I’m so fed up of it I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship.

was I unreasonable to give her the cold shoulder? I did speak to her I was just very short with her.

I mean she does sound abusive? Is there any benefit to having her in your life?

Well.... she needs to fuck off doesn't she.
No one would blame you if you never darkened her door again op, what a nasty woman.

Has she always been like this? If so, I'd be cutting contact, too much toxicity and drama, no fks given

She sounds awful. Definitely not unreasonable to cut her off
It is abusive for sure

That must be really difficult OP, hugs xx

This is exactly what my partner just said

Sorry, just to clarify, this is your mother?

It’s getting worse and worse tbh and she hasn’t really got anyone else except me no surprises there like I just feel guilty

Yeah

She sounds like my DP’s Mum, We haven’t seen her since last March, it’s been wonderful.

I know there are two sides to every story and this is just a snapshot of recent events, but goodness me she sounds vile and abusive.

I would be seriously questioning whether having her in your life is worth the stress (suggested answer: it is not). So sorry you are having to go through this.

I think you feel like you are in an abusive relationship because you are op. Saying she will take your skin off; even if it’s an empty threat, is seriously unpleasant. But more importantly, she is not owning her behaviour or allowing you to express any feelings you may have about it.

Unless she is developing Alzheimer’s or something similar, although it doesn’t sound like this is a significant behaviour change, then I think you are within your rights to go low contact. Apart from anything else, I wouldn’t want her to express those sorts of views in front of my dc. What is she like as a grandparent otherwise?

She is allowed to hold the views she does. And you are allowed to politely express that you disagree. But the problem here is that she is angry with you for not conforming to hers. Unless you were very superior or condescending when expressing your disagreement, you are allowed to hold different views to her and be your own person. And if she loved you properly; she would be proud of you for being an individual with different perspectives to her, and try and see your side of things and reach a compromise.

Up until the end bit, I would probably just have ignored, but that's past the line. If you see her again, please turn up in a t shirt saying weak willed liberal.

She said she would 'take your skin off'? Well you wouldn't be able to survive that would you? So that to me sounds like a threat to kill someone. That's an offence under s.16 of the Crimes Against the Person Act 1861. So tell her if she makes threats like that again, you'll report it to the police.

[I mean they probably wouldn't treat it as a TTK but she doesn't know that].

Life is precious and too short to waste any of it on someone who has no compunction about treating you in such a contemptuous and hostile manner.

She sounds absolutely awful. 'Take your skin off'?! Who does she think she is, some character from a low rent 90s British gangster film?!

Threats like that are illegal. I would honestly not bother to speak to her again. I mean what's the point? She keeps saying poisonous things about your parenting and is racist, homophobic, you name it. Not a suitable role model for your children at all.

You sound great though. I'm so glad you are standing up to her and her nasty views.

I think people do become “more themselves” as they get older, like a distilled version of their former personality. And if your mother was always difficult then this will probably become more marked with age. That’s not an ageist comment btw bc fantastic older people tend to become even more fantastic!

I would text her back and say ^threats of assault are illegal, I’m now blocking you and don’t want to see you again ^

It was bad enough before I got to the end then it gets even worse with that last text. If someone said they'd take my skin off that would be definitely be the end of the relationship for me.

Tell her that you are cutting contact with her now and no longer wish to see her because of her dreadful behaviour, which you don't want affecting the children. Then follow through by blocking her on every platform on your phone, social media, WhatsApp etc.

Don't keep it going "for the children" or anything. No need, and she will abuse them too eventually, if she hasn't begun already. They don't need an abuser in their lives even if she is their grandparent.

Id be telling her if she ever makes another threat like that the police will be hearing about it.

Go to the police with those messages and threats.

You ARE in an abusive relationship.
Send her a message to not come near you, your home, and your children again.
That you will involve the police.

That is proof she's been told.
Call the police and report her.
Get a video bell for your home.

Let this be the last day.
Do not respond to any messages.

Tell her you're moving abroad. To what ever country steals the fruit!!

This made me laugh!!

Block her. Why did you tell her when sports day was ? She sounds dreadful.

Exactly this, she just gets angry about any difference of opinion and you cannot be right she has to be right. She would never ever say to me I’m sorry love I took that too far or something like that it’s very much I am your mother and I will talk to you as I wish. I have said to her that she talks to me like a child and I’m not allowed to have my opinion and she said she does talk to me like a child because I’m her child.

the kids pick up on the bad vibes my oldest is starting to pick up she’s 7 she said the other day why does nana always talk about the news and stuff she doesn’t interact with the children she’s very much of the opinion children should be seen and not heard.

now that I have my own children and I realise I would never treat them this way the more I realise that it’s not right.

It isn’t a human right to take other people’s fruit you know!