I’m so fed up of this was I unreasonable?

[giraffes2021]

I feel like I’m close for cutting contact.

Mother is hard work she is quite the conspiracy theorist and constantly going on about conspiracy’s etc so the relationship is strained as I struggle with some of her thoughts but I plod on I dont tend to argue with her or pull her up on it as it ends up in an argument. Stuff like my daughter shouldn’t play football, dinosaurs aren’t real, my son shouldn’t play with dolls houses, Beyoncé’s a demon, pinks transgender that sort of thing.

Anyway today she was moaning that she has stated ‘immigrants’ are taking the fruit off the trees on her street to sell and she’s fuming about it as they come over here take our money blah blah blah the usual stuff (not quite sure how she knows they are immigrants but anyway by the by) To which I said to her they are entitled to eat the fruit off the trees as they are human beings!!!

She then sent me a nasty voice note saying that she cannot stand people like me (exact words) that I piss her off I’m weak wiled and liberal. Anyway I didn’t reply as it was my children’s sports day, she turned up to sports day fair enough she was unsure if she was coming initially but I gave her the cold shoulder I was civil but I’m so fed up of her talking to me like rubbish. Anyway she left after 5 minutes saying it was too much for her too busy and then an hour later sent me a nasty message - saying if I ever disrespect her again she will take my skin off.

I’m so fed up of it I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship.

was I unreasonable to give her the cold shoulder? I did speak to her I was just very short with her.

If she's always been like that, or close to it, I'd have to go NC for my kids sake. I wouldn't want them to think Nana knows best or be frightened to speak. So (as they say on dragon's den) for that reason I'd be out.

If there's been a significant change I'd maybe consider if dementia is a possibility. If not I'd definitely loose contact..... it's a shame that there's no other family that can talk sense to her (eg a sibling of hers).
Good luck 👍

Cut her off. It is the only thing you can do with a nutter like that.

OP, you don't have to put up with this, she sounds vile! I'd go NC for your own and your family's sakes.

Cut my mum off last December, been so peaceful!

Christ?! As someone with the worst mother in the world, and I’m fed up spoilt brats going on about ‘going no contact’ with parents etc (because they watch too much TikTok…) but honestly she sounds like an old Bitch

She actually sounds unbalanced, almost deranged.

I know the word narcissist gets thrown around so much these days but look it up. I’m not saying she is a narcissist but she’s definitely bullying and abusing you, possibly trying to control you? She’s relying on your feeling guilty so you keep you in her life. If you do go no contact I’d bet any money she turns even more vile and abusive.

Oh OP she sounds like my mother. She wasn’t happy when she found out I was pregnant (she always said she couldn’t see me with children even when going through an op to remove an extremely large ovarian cyst) then she told my sister she didn’t want anything to do with my baby. When she finally got in touch with me I was about 8months gone and she denied ever saying it despite her being in loud speaker with my BiL present!! She doesn’t see me as her family just my dads side (they split when I was 2) and yet I’m the only one to go over to see her, to bring things from home she can’t get where she is, the only grandchild she has seen in years but I’m always the bad one. Disrespects me in front of my partner talks down about me to my baby son and constant nasty messages when I’m the one being nice. Now I keep it to bear minimum contact. We don’t need this negativity in our lives I suggest you do the same.
hope this helps you ❤️

It's probably fruit growing on bushes/trees at the side of the road. There are some along the path opposite where I live. I suppose technically they belong to the Council, but if they don't get picked, they just go rotten! I am always pleased to see people picking them, rather than them going to waste!

That’s what you took from this?

I think you have 3 clear choices. Carry on as you are, tiptoeing around her and knowing there will inevitably be blow ups where she is nasty and threatening. Let your children see this happening.
Or, cut her off completely. You will have to deal with a lot of difficult feelings but may have more peace in your life and your children will not be around a toxic influence.
Or give her fair warning. Something like - mother, your behaviour in telling me this (and give examples) is unacceptable and any repeat will lead to the me reducing our contact drastically. In addition, I need you to accept that we will disagree about things and to respect that, which means not saying things like (examples). Write it out and send it to her. She may explode, in fact she probably will, but sometimes its a wake up call. And if she does, you will be able to cut contact knowing you gave her fair warning.

Only you can decide what you want to do. I do hope you are ok, it sounds really stressful and toxic.

I think this is what I will do. i always feel on edge wondering if she’s going to kick off at some birthday or like Christmas she fell out with my sister and they will never speak again. I ultimately know what will happen she will get angry or defensive but I think it needs to be done and if she does then so be it at least I can say I have tried. I do feel bad that she will end up alone but I guess that’s not my fault.

She is very abusive. If this wasn’t your mum, if it was a friend speaking to you this way you wouldn’t think twice about cutting them out of your life.

I think you will be so much better off without her in your life.

Yeah they are council ones! Honestly if she was eating them and was annoyed that they had all been taken then fair enough hahaha but she isn’t !

I am glad it helped @giraffes2021 - yes, if she blows up and does not settle down, at least you know she has made a clear choice for herself and it is her responsibility, not yours. I am sorry, its miserable when this happens, but you must protect yourself and by extension your children.

FWIW, I had a quite difficult relationship with my step dad and sister before my mother died (which she enabled, unfortunately). Both would use me to dump their stress on, and could be quite insulting and nasty to me if I did or thought something different to them. After mum died, I set a clear limit with them both. Its lead to much reduced contact with sister, and its been much better for my MH. If she starts revving up, I walk away. To be honest, we could get to no contact and it would be alright, but as long as she is largely ok, it works. It would be nice if she did not have to make so much effort to be on her best behaviour around me, but hey, thats how it goes.

My step dad, having kicked off initially, had time to consider what I was saying and is much much better towards me - we have quite a nice relationship now. So it can work, but to be fair, I do think that is a rare outcome. But either way, speaking up for your own needs here is always going to be a good things. You deserve better.

Haven't seen my dm for best apart of 25 years.. Wasn't having her make my dc feel as shit as she made me. Even as an adult she questioned everything I did. . Been a very peaceful time.
I can definitely recommend it op.

Stop interacting before she starts abusing your children. Be unavailable for her. She may have the beginning of a mental health issue but that is not your problem.

She's not well.
It's not rational to believe the shit she believes and it's not normal to tell your daughter (or anyone else) that you'll take their skin off.
Realistically, there's nothing you can do about it except distance yourself and not expose your kids to it.

Im sorry you are being treated like this.my dad was like this to me all the time,until I just couldn’t take any more ,he ground me down so much,I cut contact with him many years ago for my own sanity.and felt a weight lifted from me.also my children got a happier mum.do what is best for you.take good care of your self xxx

I would say ill take your skin off if you ever speak to me like that again and unless you change ( which she won't) the relationships over i'd stay a million miles from her.. she sounds awful and a horrible bully.

I tell you what, there is nothing like a mother's love is there 😡

I would want to go NC if I had a parent like this. It sounds difficult with you being in the same locality but could be done if you tough it out.
How do you feel about her becoming frail and dependent? I think I would notify her GP you are available for any emergencies, to make decisions re future care etc but are otherwise NC. If you don't want that responsibility I wouldn't blame you.

She sounds utterly insufferable. YANBU.

This.

Because you’ve been conditioned and because you’re different. NC is the consequence of her behaviour. You’re not responsible for her being toxic and having no friends. This is also the consequence of her behaviour. She won’t agree with your reasoning for NC, obviously, so you have to be clear and confident as to why. You have to be able to hold firm. Yes, she gave birth to you, but you did not choose her. And you get to choose who you are influenced by, who you spend your energy on.

What you have posted here is exactly why!!!

Please go NC for you and your DCs sakes!!

Hugs!