I’m so fed up of this was I unreasonable?

[giraffes2021]

I feel like I’m close for cutting contact.

Mother is hard work she is quite the conspiracy theorist and constantly going on about conspiracy’s etc so the relationship is strained as I struggle with some of her thoughts but I plod on I dont tend to argue with her or pull her up on it as it ends up in an argument. Stuff like my daughter shouldn’t play football, dinosaurs aren’t real, my son shouldn’t play with dolls houses, Beyoncé’s a demon, pinks transgender that sort of thing.

Anyway today she was moaning that she has stated ‘immigrants’ are taking the fruit off the trees on her street to sell and she’s fuming about it as they come over here take our money blah blah blah the usual stuff (not quite sure how she knows they are immigrants but anyway by the by) To which I said to her they are entitled to eat the fruit off the trees as they are human beings!!!

She then sent me a nasty voice note saying that she cannot stand people like me (exact words) that I piss her off I’m weak wiled and liberal. Anyway I didn’t reply as it was my children’s sports day, she turned up to sports day fair enough she was unsure if she was coming initially but I gave her the cold shoulder I was civil but I’m so fed up of her talking to me like rubbish. Anyway she left after 5 minutes saying it was too much for her too busy and then an hour later sent me a nasty message - saying if I ever disrespect her again she will take my skin off.

I’m so fed up of it I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship.

was I unreasonable to give her the cold shoulder? I did speak to her I was just very short with her.

My father is like this, and I've got an uncle too. Amusingly they've fallen out with each other as my father loves Jewish folk (he fetishises them) and my uncle hates them!

Conspiracy nuts are often unwell people in my view. It's one thing to question official narratives, it's another to believe the queen is a lizard.

They can never keep quiet about it either and are incapable of reasonable debate. They think they are super special because they have this secret, and the rest of us are thick and dangerous for not seeing it. It's messed up and you're well within your right to put boundaries round contact.

My father also likes to send poison pen letters when called out in his bullshit. A classic was sending one to my brother who was getting divorced, telling him his children would be abused by paedophiles due to the divorce.

My life is a lot easier without such toxicity in it, I drew a no contact line years ago. That might not work with you, but I do encourage barriers, lord knows what she's telling your kids when out of earshot.

Ditch her.
If she is abusive to you, one day she will be abusive to your kids because she will see them as an extension of you.

I agree with PP that your children need to be protected from her toxicity as well as you.

I'd talk it over with your DH so you're getting emotional support and you're both on the same page. I don't doubt it'll be hard for you but for your kids sake it needs doing. She's poisonous.

My mum went anti immigrant in old age.
It's a real pain when they are separated from reality in old age.
Then again, my idiot friends who are, have no excuse.

She sounds toxic (and I do not say that lightly!) I would cut contact. What kind of influence will she be on the grandchildren😳 I am a grandmother and hold diametrically opposed views to hers she sounds awful sorry!

She’s already lost access to your sister, her own behaviour is about to see her cut off from the rest of her family. If she’s always been like this, and there’s been no sudden worrying change that might indicate dementia - then she has nobody to blame but herself. And it is not your responsibility to put up with her abuse, aggression and gaslighting just because she has nobody else. Protect your own kids if you can’t do it for yourself.

So stop phoning her, visiting her and telling her about your children's lives. You can control this, OP - it's very simple.

Omg the queen is a lizard or a hologram !! This is exactly my mother
calls me stupid constantly for not agreeing or people are thick.

theres no dementia not sure what early signs are but she’s only 55 she hasn’t worked for about 10 years funny really she moans about people coming over and claiming benefits when she is on benefits herself given that she couldn’t hold a job down with her mental health. It has got worse of the years and it is getting worse I do think maybe she has mental health issues but she would never admit or seek help.

I am laying low at the moment till I muster some energy to think about next steps.

Your right I have been conditioned the way she sees it is she’s my mother and she can do and say whatever she wants and I have to shut up and put up.

not long ago she told my children about my real dad (I haven’t seen him since I was 5 years old) he didn’t want anything to do with me and my step dad has always just been known as dad/ grandad kids too young to know any different.

anyway she took it upon herself to tell my children that my step dad wasn’t my real dad and that mummy’s real dad works in a butchers in the village we live in. I obviously went mental and said she had no right to do that but she was of the opinion it was her truth to share that information about who was the father of HER child meaning me. I should have cut her off then

Yes you should have OP.
That is so shocking.
How confusing for your children to be told this, for no other reason than she wants to.

So so toxic.
You cannot honestly believe someone is genuinely concerned for the well-being of children she would do that to?

I would add this as another reason in your text that you will not be seeing her.
She cannot be trusted to conduct herself appropriately, in the best interests of your children, they need protection from such behaviour.

You can do this OP.
Take your time.
Silence in the meantime.

I know 😞 that’s exactly what I said it doesn’t matter about her truth or my truth what mattered was what is best for my children. They are 5&7 they don’t understand stuff like that! Wondering why they have a grandad who they don’t see or thinking that their daddy might go away and not see them! She really is an idiot and selfish

They are still young, you can stop this now.

Remember when we know better, we do better.
Don't waste energy on guilt.
Focus on positive action.
That's all any mother can do.

Honestly, I bet she's on social media endlessly. What's her YouTube history like?

Not everyone who is a conspi nut has mental health issues, but lots of them do. Also they attract people who feel powerless and are all bitter about that. Your description is very similar to that of my father and uncle!

What's kinda ironic is this type of conspiracism functions very well as propaganda. You ain't going to be getting pissy with your local MP or campaigning for welfare reform if you think magical lizards are running the show.

Deep deep deep down it's fear based, but her fear isn't yours to treat. The harmful effects of her behaviours are within your domain.

Sincerely, good luck :-)

I think we might have located OP's mum...

I honestly hope that my children grow up and they love spending time with me and that they will want to be a mother like I was unfortunately that’s not the case with my mum. I dread spending time with her and she’s everything that I don’t want to be in a mother which is an awful thing to say and feel.

Have you posted about her beefore @giraffes2021 ?

The dad story seems familiar.

Most people advised you she was abusive on that thread and you should go NC for your kids. I can't believe she is still in your kids life if that was you!

Agreed.

OP, I really don’t think you’ll look back afterwards.

Why does she think they are hers? My neighbour used to take our apples to sell.
He was a funny old man though.

Why are you still in touch with her?

I am a similar age to your mother. She is behaving appallingly and to be quite frank, doesn’t appear to be full of knowledge about real issues.
Her behaviours and threats are appalling.
We are all entitled to our views, but it helps if they are backed by research.
It seems she gets hers from GB News. Does she sit watching it in her tin hat?
I have to say a few of my friends have started speaking like your mother. They sound 85, not 55, and that no disrespect to the friends of 85 I have who are much more measured.
Sadly, your mum has been reached by a cult-like set of beliefs. I hear it all - Mrs Macron is a man, Mrs Obama is a man, 9/11 was engineered by the Americans.
I understand that people have more conservative beliefs but when it gets into the realm of sheer fantasy, I shut down.
Take a break from her. She sounds exhausting!

For your children’s sake you need to not have her in your life. Your eldest is picking up this. You didn’t want your child to be exposed to a racist, homophonic comments. You want your children to know it’s acceptable to have a different opinion (unless it’s racist, homophonic etc). You don’t want your child exposed to your fear of upsetting your mum either. She’s been very abusive. You don’t need this and shouldn’t accept it. She’s not going to change so you need to change - and not accept this from her. The only way you can do that is to go no contact.

To have someone who can say “I’ll take your skin off”. That’s shocking for a parent to say that to their child.

You probably will feel guilty, but you’ve got to try to think of all the reasons why you need to go no contact. For your self esteem and for your children. Your mum thinks she can do and say what she likes. She’s not setting a good role model for her grandchildren. You’ll feel so much more positive about this when you don’t have her in your life. Try not to feel guilty. It’s not your fault she’s like this. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Good luck!

Oh OP, I remember your last thread about her telling your children about your real dad. Many of us agreed she was abusive back then, it really is time for you to take some action to protect yourself from her abuse. She has zero boundaries at best.

Please follow the Motherwound on Instagram. You will feel less alone in this. It will also help you set boundaries and feel NO guilt.
You sound like an amazing mother. Make sure you nip this now so it doesn’t get exposed to your kids too much.
And as to whether you’re unsure if it’s abusive…I thought the skin comment was a typo at first. Nobody and I mean NOBODY deserves to be spoken to like this, especially by your mother on your turf at your kids precious sports day.
Lay it out straight to her; the worst thing that can happen is she falls out with you which may well be a blessing in disguise with no guilt needed on your part. ❤️

Yes all of these too Michelle Obama is a man! I hear it everyday yes she watches that also.

Yeah unfortunately that was me.