I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

Does this sound okay ( changed names )

hi Lily
hope you are all well and you managed to finish the garden the other day.
I wanted to let you know that Josh and I are in a relationship. It is now serious enough for me to tell people about it. I know the children may mention it so I thought it was best placed coming from me to prevent any confusion.
I Understand previous concerns regarding any future relationships and Oliver but he will always remain the priority along side Kate and Millie.

have a nice evening

Sarah

I wouldn't use the last part about son (I assume he's Oliver) being a priority.

Could you say something along the lines of how Josh also loved Oliver and has so many wonderful stories of their friendship, he's truly someone who will help you keep Olivers memory alive for your girls?

Oliver not real name is my step son - sorry should have said that

I assumed Oliver was OP’s son and the two girl names were SDC

*edit, see it’s DSS

No the girls are mine Oliver is stepson. :)

Oliver ( not real name ) will be the number 1 issue well what they will use as an issue.

I sent it anyway
has been read but no reply yet.

Do you have custody of Oliver? I can’t see how they can really make it an issue, it might be a surprise but there’s nothing they can really complain about.

Yes he remains with me here but he is not treated any differently actually his probably the one that has me wrapped around his little finger 😂

Well, you’re clearly caring and capable and have provided him and his sisters with a stable home and family, in the face of terrible circumstances.

Good luck! You deserve happiness.

You are so kind to look after your stepson so well even after your husband passed away ❤️

His been with me since before he could walk his mine whatever everyone’s opinions on step mums are ❤️

We’d have to disagree then. I’m not sure how old the OP is, but I said about them having a baby together later on if that’s an option (and that’s what they’d want). I just think when their relationship is newly out in the open, it would be nice for them to enjoy that and have the existing children get used to all of that without throwing a new baby into the mix as well. It sounds like they could all be really happy as things currently are, so just my opinion, it would be a questionable choice to potentially disrupt that with a new baby when the situation is so new and could potentially be fractious. It would be good for the existing children to get used to the new situation first and they might be more comfortable and accepting if it’s not the bombshell of their dad’s best mate and their godfather now being with their mum, coupled with BAM! a baby to change things even further.

Oliver is lucky to have you. Is his mum in the picture at all?
You deserve happiness. I hope the WhatsApp is just being digested.
Do you know how far along you are?

I understand what you're saying, but I don't think we can ever take that we'll be able to conceive again for granted, so I don't think aborting a child you both want because the timing isn't perfect is the right thing to do.

It could become a massive regret, even if they do go on to have another baby.

But yes we can agree to disagree :)

In and out over the years but not consistently.

he calls me mum ( his choice ) but knows I’m not.

he is however the centre of most arguments between me and DH familiy. Not his fault of course.

My youngest has no idea about anything that has happened.. my eldest is very aware as older but she is a very good egg and has been amazing. It may sound like they have a really hard life but obviously there has been a traumatic event but on a day to day basis they are enjoying life now and they lead a fairly normal one considering. At first I wasn’t sure if that was going to be possible !

Do you have it all legalised in terms of residence

Yes, he legally is to remain with me.

I wish you nothing but happiness op, you have done nothing wrong. Well done on having the courage to send the text, at least you afforded them the opportunity to come to terms with it themselves. I hope it all works out for you

Be brave once again OP and step Forward x

They replied “ ok, we will obviously need to discuss this further is regarding accommodation arrangements if needed in the future “

How old is SS? How did you end up as his legal guardian? What do they they think they are going to do? Ask the court to remove him from your care because you have a boyfriend?

They will get used to this and things will be fine I’m sure, but even if they think they can interfere they have no legal right to

yes it was done via the courts
I would not mind but I also have their other grandchild in the house so I don’t see why it’s any different.

I would reply with that then - do not be a walkover, regardless of their (and your) loss you are not a doormat

If it was me I would say something like:
"Glad you got back to me - There isn't really anything else to discuss, DSS is happy in his (legal) home with us as part of our growing family. No further "accommodation arrangements" will be needed. Do feel free to offer your congratulations at any point."

I'm not very nice though so my advice is usually terrible

No you don’t OP, he is legally your child and another baby doesn’t change that. I think you need to clearly say that it is all fine and whereas you respect their role as grandparents that is it