I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

"Glad you got back to me - There isn't really anything else to discuss, DSS is happy in his (legal) home with us as part of our growing family. No further "accommodation arrangements" will be needed."

Is very good. And I do think you should immediately put a stop to this nonsense, in the interest of your poor (S)S, who should not even get a hint of having to go because of a new sibling. How horrifying.

Don't think the sassy last sentence will do much good though on a personal level I appreciate it.

They have no idea about the new sibling. This is just based on me telling them in a relationship.

I think you might be surprised by the family’s response OP. It sounds like your new partner was a great friend of your husband’s. Please don’t make a decision like this based on what they might or might not think.

@Strugglingsoul19 yes missed that sorry - amend the phrasing to miss out the baby news!

"Glad you got back to me - There isn't really anything else to discuss, DSS is happy in his (legal) home with us as part of our family. No further "accommodation arrangements" will be needed."

And then I would change the subject to something innocuous like the garden, or the end of school term

@Zezet I can't help myself with the sass sometimes then I wonder why I have no mates 😅

There is always an issue though

• They do not like my work hours ( which in my opinion are better for a family
• They do not like my choice in schools
• They do not like my routines

do not get me wrong I think they focus on DSS but it’s the same for my children the difference is they are mine so they don’t highlight it as much and use DSS as a way to highlight their concerns.

Concerns which you can safely ignore.

They don't have any power over you. You're your Step-sons legal guardian, they're unlikely to be able to do anything about that. When they whinge, just tell them thats not something you're willing to discuss. If that damages their relationship with your family, then thats on them, not you.

@Strugglingsoul19

In the nicest possible way none of these things are any of their business and you need to let them know that.

If they can't respect how you choose to raise your children - ones you birthed and ones who you haven't - then you need to seriously manage how much time they spend with them. Regardless of your incredibly tragic shared loss.

Have you adopted your DSS? Would that make any difference to them? Not sure if it is even possible in your situation so please tell me to shove off if i'm barking up the wrong tree.

"Thanks for getting back to me. There is no need, 'oliver' will always have a place with me in my home."

What's their problem? Do they think he should be with his mum or them? Is it over-attachement to oldest grandchild maybe because they see him as so 'disadvantaged' by lack of mum's involvement and loss of dad?

it is a very complicated process, the most crucial thing at the time was to sort out immediately where he was living. Now that process is over I can look in to applying to court for adoption BUT it is not a process that is easy when there is a parent with PR .it can of course be determined by court if permission is not needed.

My guess is that they feel they have a legitimate means to control you, as he’s not biologically yours but is their grandson, whereas your children your relationship trump theirs.

I imagine they might feel vulnerable to losing their connection with their grandkids after losing their son, and so feel like they can use this as a way to keep you close. Totally guessing though. Either way you have taken such a positive step by coming out about your relationship and I hope as you start to move forward you stand up for yourself with your ILS, put in some boundaries. They don’t get to control the relationship with the grandkids, you do.

@Strugglingsoul19 I would find the in laws also very controlling and would have to get them to back off quite a bit. It doesn't matter what they want in the grand scheme of things. You are the guardian/parent and they need to shut up about your choices.

Oh OP. I have only read all of your posts but you sound like a wonderful mum and a lovely person. You deserve to be happy! Please do not let your ex in laws dictate things to you. You are already doing what is best for your step son as well as for your family. I’m so glad for you that you found such a wonderful man! You deserve to live this life xx

Anyone that cares about you would surely be happy for you? It sounds like this relationship is happy and functioning. As I get older I care less and less what others think of me. Don’t let the opinions of ppl who should only want your happiness to stop you having this baby

OP, life is too short to worry about what other people have to say. Are you happy? If yes, then go for it! Even if they grumble at first, people come around. All the best x

With them.

And please also lean on your partner with this. He sounds like a good decent man. You have done nothing wronging embarking on a new relationship. If you are going to tell your in-laws have him there with you for support and love when you do it. If they make a fuss you two can have a pre arranged plan about shutting your in-laws down and asking them to leave.
Then he can support you if you are upset.
Remember you have the power here. Your I laws have no 'rights‘ in the Uk to see you or have contact with the grandchildren. That is legally totally your decision. You have the power here!

You love him, he loves you and your kids - do you intend to hide this love for the rest of your life? The baby just looks like a sign to start living your life properly again and to fully let love in.
So keep the baby, don't care what others think, and start living fully!

I know the house and who financed it will also be a problem going forward - I wonder if this is what they mean by accomadation ?

@Strugglingsoul19 I assumed it would be a tricky process, from what you have said - and let me know if I am wrong - your exILs feel that they are the "real" family of DSS because of biology and therefore feel that they should have more say than you do. Irrespective of the fact you raised him from babyhood and are by all intents and purposes his mother.

I would definitely respond saying that there is nothing else to discuss that you are DSS legal guardian, and his home is with you.

Then, if it is something that you and DSS want look into the adoption route as I think it would make them realise you are his "real" family and he isn't going to be dropped for a new boyfriend or baby if that is there concern.

Because your DH purchased it? Or did they help? Again, even if they gave DH money, unless there’s something legal in writing, the house went to you and that’s the end of it. Nothing to do with them.

I should add the house we are living in is a new house.

the old house was in both our names and with both equal in terms of deposit although mortgage payments towards the end was mainly me.
with insurance money the first thing I wanted to do was get out that house. It was what was needed.
I sold house when insurance money came through and bought a new house and became mortgage free.

And why do you think they would feel able to have in put on that? What would their problem be?

They believed at the time and were quite vocal
about it that they believed any money that came to me should be put aside for the children when they were older.
they all have trust funds and equal ones at that, I still pay in to them and actually can pay in more now because I don’t have mortgage payments. Also now the house is there for the children to.

I also can’t see why they would have any input into your living arrangements. Just shut them down if they start

@Strugglingsoul19 again, they are bonkers. You and late husband both contributed to the house you had together and with you paying more towards the end. Do they think that the children don't need somewhere to currently live? Madness.

Edited for typo