I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

Very helpful :). You'll both laugh when you look back at that. Some people are 'not so good' in an emergency.

I hope it has helped you to talk about it on here, Strugglings.

Take a deep breath and have a couple of important conversations soon.

I also probably think we have not hid as well as we may have thought we did because in her words

“ well the pregnancy is a shock, the how you did not so much “ 😂😂

Oh no don’t worry I could hear her tone and she is general dark sense of humour in akward situations that makes me laugh

OP, let yourself be happy.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and on what sounds like a lovely relationship!

I think it's perfectly legitimate to explain to people that, after everything you've been through, you just wanted to keep the relationship private until it was established. Not having to deal with other people's opinions and involvement has given you both the space you need to blossom a strong relationship. Obviously having an unexpected baby has catapulted things forwards a bit! People will understand, if they have your best interests in mind. If anyone feels put out that you didn't tell them sooner, just say that you didn't want to put them in an awkward position of having to keep a secret before you told certain others.

The main thing I'd be worried about is that that's your late husbands best mate. Surely he would have known how abusive the relationship was. And if they were such close mates, they may well share the same values.
2 years or not, you were vulnerable due to suddenly becoming a widow and being a victim of abuse. Your new partner is your knight in shining armour who knows enough about you and the kids to swoop in and get his feet under the table. And now you're pregnant, another vulnerability. Plus you are a home owner. He's fallen on his feet.

He is also a home owner.

when the relationship went down hill it was not entirely obvious to anyone - however when it became abundantly clear that his behaviour had become some what erratic and progressed including to his friends there was many attempts at helping him and interventions by all including his close friends and family.

I think having a people-pleasing abortion will be the biggest mistake of your life.

Abortion is entirely your choice but I don't think you're making that decision from a sound place and you need urgent, non-judgemental support and counselling so that you can make the right decision for you.

I should add DH was not a bad man - he went from a career driven but family man to a different person who was all of a sudden an addict, depressed and it was a shock to everyone.

Thought that would be the case 🤣.

Reminds me when at work two colleagues were clearly seeing eachother but didn't want to admit it. For MONTHS he would turn up and 2 minutes later she would stroll in because they would come in the same car then she would hide for a couple of mins so they didn't arrive together. We would also see them out holding hands etc on weekends. We used to joke about it between ourselves and had a sweepstake going on when they would tell us.

Eventually at an after works drink she worked up the courage to tell us. Stood up all nervous and said she had something to say. Obviously we all started laughing and said we'd known ages, showed her pictures from the 'spotted in the wild whatsapp' and told her who won the sweepstake. She couldn't believe it was the worst kept secret in history. They're married with 2 kids now.

Just want to add as well for assumption
he has his own house that he owns and is far more financially well of than me
he does not need my money ( I don’t need his either )

Personally I thought we was nailing it !

You’ve not been stupid.

Can you take a little time to think things through - it seems you may be having a knee jerk reaction here.

You deserve happiness - in whatever form that may take. And you deserve to give yourself time to think without berating yourself.

For me it’s a simple yes/no question- do you want another child?

Other people’s opinions are just noise.

This makes you happy, & your kids happy.
PIL may be delighted for you all.
You tell them all the soothing stuff about how your H will always be remembered (etc etc)
Even if they dont like it, just tell them life must move on, BF couldnt be a better fit…..
Please look forward , & enjoy your new life & baby😊

Why is it 'not ideal'?

Honestly, if you want the baby, you should have it. It sounds as though your new partner is lovely. I don't want to be harsh, but your in-laws need you more than you need them. You have let them become part of your family, visiting as often as they like. Surely, even if they are upset (which they probably will be) they will realise that they need to accept it if they want to remain part of your family with lots of access to their grandchildren.

Do you want another baby? Would you just like to enjoy the new relationship and life being good after everything you have been through? Absolutely go for it if you want of course.

Im so sorry that happened to you. You deserve to be happy and it’s time now to stop letting him control you

She is talking about her late DH's parents, not her new partner. They are the overbearing ones.

This sounds more like the after effects of being in a very controlling and abusive relationship OP.
Where you are hyper vigilant and looking to appease even though he has gone, it’s time to put yourself first and enjoy life 💐
Please seek counselling for this, it’s 2 years on and aborting a wanted child from a loving relationship is a bit of an abnormal response, sorry I do mean that kindly. Congrats on your pregnancy btw. I would matter of factly state the situation when the time is right with the pregnancy and not be drawn into any ‘please explain yourself’ conversations.

I totally get it, truly.

Addiction is a monster that possesses the person we know and love. It's NOT them at the end. The man you fell in love with would want you to move on and be happy, honestly. The person who the addiction destroyed was not him.

Addiction destroyed his life. Please, please don't let it ruin yours too. You can beat it - for you, your love, and your late husband.

Go for it ! Carpet Diem!

I think everyone has already given you great advice but I didn’t want to comment and not respond. I just want to say you deserve a second chance at happiness. People will judge, but you only get one shot at this life..do what makes your heart happy. I’m wishing you all the luck with whatever you decide to do!

Just want to add one other thing @Strugglingsoul19 - I posted earlier saying this could me the start of a wonderful period of your life. I still think this!!
It’s could to see your later posts slightly more humerous and hopeful ❤️

when you tell your ex’ family - a large part of any upset could be worry on their part about still seeing their GC - who are their last link to their DS.

When you get to the point of telling them, and setting boundaries - it may be good to really reassure them they will have good access too. Talk through with them what that looks like for them.
In their minds they will be worried whether they will see their GC if you move on. Perhaps longer more boundary driven visits could work out xx