I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

OP I'm sorry if I'm being intrusive but did your DH commit suicide? It's just that I've been there and wonder if you're carrying misplaced and unwarranted guilt as I did for too many years.

Either way you've mourned a more than decent interval, you should seize any chance of happiness that comes along. The marriage vows are Till death do us part, not Till I die.

I agree with other PP, it’s been two years, if people don’t like it tough luck. Talk to him, make a decision together, ignoring the views of everyone outside your kids. Then if you decide to keep it or even if you think you should terminate but agree you want to be together, then just tell people. You don’t have to keep him a secret any more: you’re not doing anything wrong

My apologies. I thought you meant him. Thank you for clarifying.

However, don’t let him in for a long time. Don’t marry as you own your house.

Keep firmer boundaries with ex in-laws.

Good luck with sharing the news. You’ll be fine. But most of all: congratulations on your pregnancy and all the best for a wonderful future for you, your partner and all your children.

You can't hide your relationship forever and if you happy with this man, i can't imagine you want to. 2 years is a perfectly reasonable time to move on to a new relationship, my Mum did after we lost my Dad, she was a fairly young widow and no one expected her to be alone forever, not even my Dad's family. As my brother and i both moved out close to my Dads death (me just before him just after) she was desperately lonely. This baby is no ones decisions but you and your new partner, Don't give it up to please the former in-laws, if you and he want this a baby, let your relationship come out, own it and be happy, you deserve it.

Yes, I had made plans to start separating and he threatened like so many times before and I didn’t reply to the voicemail.

OP, if you’re the poster I think you are - your late partner was quite severely abusive and his parents are overbearing and controlling.

Please, please do NOT let the opinion of these people affect your decision to have a baby with your new partner. It is quite literally none of their business who you have a relationship with. It is bad enough that you’ve been made to feel you’ve had to keep your new relationship secret - it would be a total bloody tragedy if you terminated a pregnancy you wanted to go through with just because your other kids’ grandparents didn’t approve. Seriously.

Why are you letting them control you like this? To be horribly blunt: their son is dead, and you are entirely at liberty to have a relationship with anyone you wish. It’s irrelevant that he was a friend of your late partner. There is no betrayal here, because your late partner is no longer alive to be betrayed. That might sound harsh, but it’s entirely true.

If you are who I think you are, your late partner’s parents are not good people and are intrusive and weird and seem to think they have some kind of say in the decisions you make for your children. Here’s the thing: they don’t. If a parent dies, the grandparents do not get to step into his place and act as if they have the same rights he would have done if he were still alive. That just is not how this works. You really, REALLY need to start putting some boundaries in place with them and frankly, if they step back as a result, that will be a good thing.

Nobody - nobody at all - should have a termination for any other reason other than that she wants one. If you don’t want a termination, do not have one - least of all because two people who happen to be your kids’ grandparents might be pissed off. They’re awful, awful people if they are.

Don'tTouchRoach: "Nobody - nobody at all - should have a termination for any other reason other than that she wants one. If you don’t want a termination, do not have one - least of all because two people who happen to be your kids’ grandparents might be pissed off. They’re awful, awful people if they are."
........
Wise words.

Op, if you do decide to carry on with the pregnancy, don't allow yourself to be pushed into marriage. Take one step at a time.

'They' ? Is there more than one, don't you mean him/he?

Now I have read this, he sounds a bit much and needs to slow down. You are being overwhelmed.

Think carefully before making any decision that will impact the lives of you and your children.

I think OP was talking about her ex in laws here, not the boyfriend

I could be wrong. It's a bit confusing because at the end I think OP is talking about her boyfriend and her late husband again.

They come around when they want, they ring daily.
they request information about schooling / medical stuff and seem to be an extension of our home.
they need dates for every sports day, plays and the rest of it.

If “they” are your late partners family, it’s time to put some clear boundaries in place. They don’t get to step in where he left a space. It’s your family and who is involved in what is also your decision to make.

Yes sorry
my brain is not functioning very well

the inlaws are the ones that pop around when they want and expect open contact.

So your late dp was abusive and now you're letting his family control your life. It's ridiculous for an outsider but I understand It's not so clear when you're in the middle of it

You have the right to move on, be happy and have more children if that's what you want. Don't ever let anyone else make that decsion for you. You are free @Strugglingsoul19 but you live as if you're not. Please talk to your partner about this and see a therapist urgently because you need to let go of these misplaced feelings of guilt. ❤️

Don't worry ❤️

I hope this thread has helped you.

Oh @Strugglingsoul19 - this could be a lovely happy ending for you ❤️
Im sorry for the loss of your ex but it sounds like it was tricky and unhappy relationship. If you allow his family and how you think he may feel to affect what you do - he is still controlling you even though he’s gone.

You have a wonderful partner who loves your children and sounds like he’s also financially independent - as are you. So it’s a relationship built out of love and regard for eachother not dependence, coercion or financial bullying.

Please find a way to put boundaries in place with your ex’ family. Assuming they’re not dangerous and just annoying - discuss visitation times with them but it sounds to me like you have the promise of some lovely times ahead and I hope you can work it through and start telling yourself you deserve to be happy. xx

Sorry just to clarify when I was talking about wanting open access to the children, pooping around uninvited and needing all dates for school and things I was referring the in-laws.

in terms of current relationship he is a good man I have known him over a decade ( we are mid 30s ) he has not shown me any reason to be concerned. He is not over bearing and we see eachother currently around two nights a week and one day time when I am off work and kids are at school.

he was around a lot when it first occurred because I needed someone and he was there helping me move ( we couldn’t stay in our original house ) getting the house together etc this is when it initially happened … paint brushes, wine and emotions 😂

he has never demanded anything of me though and even though I have probably been a nightmare at times about being worried he has never been anything but supportive about it.

In hindsight being open from the start probably would have made this situation a little less akward even our friendship group is going to be confused when a baby has appeared in the mix out of no where.

Do you want to be with him and have this baby?

because the rest can be worked through

Ok so im getting a bit calmer ( I did only just find out ) so may have come as a bit of a shock to me to.
I think firstly the 2 of us need to sit down and talk properly and make sure we are 100 percent on the same page about what it is we want.

then I need to have an open conversation with the families which sounds ridiculous I’m aware.

Your in-laws do not ‘need’ school dates or medical info about your children. They are not your children’s guardians. They are simply grandparents. They don’t get to assume the parental rights of their late son. They are controlling, intrusive and strange.

Frankly, your pregnancy with your new partner should be the thing that prompts you to take a major step back from your previous partners’ parents, not the thing that prompts you to abort a baby you want to keep.

then I need to have an open conversation with the families which sounds ridiculous I’m aware

In the circumstances that you're in, I am not sure I'd open with 'having a conversation'. I think perhaps I would write them a letter, making it clear that although it was a surprise to you both, you are very happy and committed to the relationship.

(I do agree with a previous poster that perhaps start with the relationship and save the pregnancy for later.)

In all of it though, remember that you are giving them information, kindly - you are NOT asking for their permission/approval.

I have told my bestfriend who after the initial shock said she would be around after work and bring wine for her not me … then went and said didn’t ever think at your wedding you would be having a baby with the best man 😂 no I mean I guess I didn’t !

Well congratulations then 🍾

It's all good OP, all good. Live your life.

You're an adult, it doesn't need to be an open conversation because they don't get a say!

You can just tell them you're dating and that be it. Really you've just let his family get away with way too much for way too long. With or without the relationship and baby you need to nip it in the bud. That you're doing it now may mean they think baby and relationship is reason but you'd have been within reason to do it long ago!

Boundaries are ok. Of course you can share lists of school events with them if they want to go, but they need to arrange to come over rather than turning up, they don't get to demand medical information. If they have a key change the locks.