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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons best friend has been accused of SA- Trigger warning

104 replies

Namechange44444 · 25/06/2025 09:26

Name change for this one.

My 19 year old sons best friend since he was 10 has been charged with SA against another girl in their friendship group at a house party. He blocked her in a room after getting her drunk and was pressuring her for things and kept grabbing at her and trying to slide his hand up her leg whilst telling her she knew she wanted to do it etc. She was upset and asking to leave and he wouldn't let her leave the room until the friend group including my son realised they were both missing and went to find them to check they were ok.

She came out in tears, told everyone what happened. My son took his best mate off and ended up punching him mid way through a chat as he apparently saw nothing wrong with what he'd done and was using derogatory language towards her...saying she was a slag etc.

My son and their other M/F friends have obviously rallied round the girl and she has a wonderful family who are looking after her.

My son told me and his father who doesn't live with us what had happened separately.

His father turned round and told him he should have stuck up for his mate (you can see why our relationship ended in this one sentence).

After a long string of things like this with his dad (that is already in counselling for) he's decided to cut contact with him. Plus his best mate and the friendship group has absolutely disbanded over the last week with people taking sides.

My son is very upset he's lost his best friend and finally decided to cut out his dad but he's also adamant its the right decision for both.

Any advice on how to handle this?

AIBU if I just let his relationship with his father dwindle out now?

OP posts:
titchy · 25/06/2025 09:30

Support your son obvs. He did the right thing, and it may seem crap now, but he’ll look back on this and be proud of himself.

Jellycatspyjamas · 25/06/2025 09:30

At 19 your son can manage his own relationship with his dad, I’d not be getting involved in that. I’d be there for your son when he needs to talk things through - it sounds like he’s very clear about what is and isn’t ok for him.

rumred · 25/06/2025 09:31

Sorry you're both going through this, similar happened to me as a young woman and I would have loved someone to stick up for me.
Your son sounds like a good human. I'd support him navigating the way through this and be proud he has such a strong moral compass. He'll get new friends, it's just going to be tough going for a while.

bigboykitty · 25/06/2025 09:31

You should be so proud of raising a son who knows right from wrong in spite of his inappropriate father. Your son is 19 so able to make that decision to cut contact. It sounds like it was only ever a matter of time until that happened. I would just focus on supporting his choices and being there for him at this time when his friendship group is so fragmented. What an amazing son you have raised.

somuchrubbish · 25/06/2025 09:33

Firstly well done on your for raising such an amazing son. Not condoning the punching (although get it) but absolutely good on him for calling his mate out on his shocking behaviour.

Secondly, I think if he wants to let his relationship with his father dwindle then that is his choice and you should allow him to make it. He is an adult and knows his own mind.

Of course your son will be upset about losing a close friend but its great that he can see that his friends behaviour was disgusting and now wants nothing to do with him.

I think just continue to support him the best you can. Allow him to talk and listen and let him know you are proud of him for making such good adult decisions.

HappierTimesAhead · 25/06/2025 09:34

I think you should feel really proud that,despite having a father like that, your son knows right from wrong and is willing to stand up to abusive behaviour.

Spirallingdownwards · 25/06/2025 09:34

You have raised your son well.

Indeed, well enough that he is prepared to cut contact with a best friend and a father who do not know how to behave appropriately. Good for him. I do hope that others in the friendship group have acknowledged his stance and are welcoming him in.

He is old enough to choose whether he wants a relationship with his father and if his father has an issue then that's very much on him that his behaviour has led to his son cutting him out.

FluffMagnet · 25/06/2025 09:35

Sorry, no advice, but what a man your son is. You should be proud.

RentalWoesNotFun · 25/06/2025 09:38

I bet the father would feel differently if it was HIS daughter in a room being attacked by that guy. Bet he’d be taking HER side and not the guys side then. Prick.

Wolfhat · 25/06/2025 09:38

Really, really, really recommend getting your son the comedy special 'X' by daniel sloss. He's a great comedian, risque, no bullshit comedy and this special deals with exactly what your son is going through. One of Daniel's close friends raped a female friend of his. He finds the black humour and the show makes you laugh out loud despite it all but talks about it in a emotionally intelligent and empathetic way. It was done with the full consent of the victim. I honestly think it's perfect thing for your son as he will be mourning the loss of the relationship but I think he will hugely relate.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/06/2025 09:38

I don't think there is much you can do other than telling your son he is proud of him, and that sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and feels shit and its OK to be upset about that.

Although he shouldn't have punched his friend, if the girl wasn't in any immediate danger its not 'self defence' or 'trying to break up a fight', it's assault (even if it does seem justified based on what a pig his friend was)

MrsEverest · 25/06/2025 09:39

We need more men like your son.

Comedycook · 25/06/2025 09:40

Sounds like you raised a great young man

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 25/06/2025 09:42

You’re already doing a great job of supporting your son. The fact he’s felt able to relay that all to you and share it with you AND his reaction to his mates lack of respect for the girl he was assaulting speaks volumes.

Parenting goals right there. I hope my sons grow up to be as mature OP.

Greenvases · 25/06/2025 09:45

Your husband is scum.
Support your son in his difficult decisions.

Find a recommended counsellor for him to offload to asap and insist he give it a go.

Sometimes boys push back at seeing someone but if they are sound and can connect with them, they are quite happy to go and have the support.

Its critical that they are good though.
In this instance a male counsellor might be the best support.

He's lucky to have you.

The friendships imploding is very difficult, but tell him to remain calm, respectful of differences and he could find he will be left with a few real friends that he has more in common with.

His ex friend is a time bomb that was clearly going to go off at some point, he's well out of it, though of course this is hugely painful for him.

SquishedMallow · 25/06/2025 09:45

Your son has good morals and acted correctly (that includes the punch for me )

His father sounds like a misogynistic prat. At 19 I hope your son will (sounds like he has) figured that out for himself.

I would imagine that 'friend' will soon end up isolated with values like that. He may get reported to the police and then he can deal with the consequences.

BlueandPinkSwan · 25/06/2025 10:03

Good for your son for defending standing up for the young woman, punching the twat in the mouth and now your ex needs a kick in the bollocks.
You should be proud of your son.

godmum56 · 25/06/2025 10:15

well done to your son (except he needs to be careful about punching people....it could get him into trouble) but.....he's 19....I am not sure why you should feel that you should be involved in managing his relationship with his deadbeat father.

Catsandcannedbeans · 25/06/2025 10:31

Good for you and your son. It’s a credit to you he turned out like that with a twat for a dad! Also good on him for punching him - sometimes violence is the answer.

There isn’t really anything you can do, I know it’s hard but he’s an adult now.

2024onwardsandup · 25/06/2025 10:33

Good on your son

K0OLA1D · 25/06/2025 10:34

His dad and his best mate both sound like pos. He's best off without them. Bloody good on him for sticking up for the girl.

Well-done op for raising your, what sounds like, amazing son

Imbusytodaysorry · 25/06/2025 10:35

Jellycatspyjamas · 25/06/2025 09:30

At 19 your son can manage his own relationship with his dad, I’d not be getting involved in that. I’d be there for your son when he needs to talk things through - it sounds like he’s very clear about what is and isn’t ok for him.

This ! Fat to old to be getting involved in this relationship with his father.

Op don't be leading him either way just support him. H is going to grieve his fiend
but who needs that type of friend anyway.

MedievalNun · 25/06/2025 10:38

Wow you have raised an amazing son.

As others have said, support him through the next few months - it could be messy as things settle with the friend group but I have a feeling he’ll have better friends at the end of it.

It’s also normal for him to grieve his relationship with his father; he’s likely to go through all elements of a bereavement and will need reassurance that this is ok.

Sending you a hug too.

Maray1967 · 25/06/2025 10:41

FluffMagnet · 25/06/2025 09:35

Sorry, no advice, but what a man your son is. You should be proud.

Yes, well said. I’d be proud if my DSs were in this situation and did the right thing - and if my DH said what your Ex said he would soon be an ex as well.

Vaxtable · 25/06/2025 10:48

Your son sounds great, sticking up as he has done for his female friend. He just needs to remember that it’s the actions of his now ex best friend and his father that have got them to this place where he doesn’t want anything to do with them

they won’t be any loss to him and he can hold his head up high knowing his actions were the right ones