Sons best friend has been accused of SA- Trigger warning

[Namechange44444]

Name change for this one.

My 19 year old sons best friend since he was 10 has been charged with SA against another girl in their friendship group at a house party. He blocked her in a room after getting her drunk and was pressuring her for things and kept grabbing at her and trying to slide his hand up her leg whilst telling her she knew she wanted to do it etc. She was upset and asking to leave and he wouldn't let her leave the room until the friend group including my son realised they were both missing and went to find them to check they were ok.

She came out in tears, told everyone what happened. My son took his best mate off and ended up punching him mid way through a chat as he apparently saw nothing wrong with what he'd done and was using derogatory language towards her...saying she was a slag etc.

My son and their other M/F friends have obviously rallied round the girl and she has a wonderful family who are looking after her.

My son told me and his father who doesn't live with us what had happened separately.

His father turned round and told him he should have stuck up for his mate (you can see why our relationship ended in this one sentence).

After a long string of things like this with his dad (that is already in counselling for) he's decided to cut contact with him. Plus his best mate and the friendship group has absolutely disbanded over the last week with people taking sides.

My son is very upset he's lost his best friend and finally decided to cut out his dad but he's also adamant its the right decision for both.

Any advice on how to handle this?

AIBU if I just let his relationship with his father dwindle out now?

He’s an adult, he seems to be handling it very well

You don’t need advice. You’ve raised a child who at the age of 19 has such confidence in his convictions he’s willing to walk away from relationships with men who don’t share them, so you know exactly what you’re doing. Just reinforce how proud of him you are and hold space for him to talk about how he’s feeling, even if that means grieving people despite them being awful humans.

I’m so impressed by your son’s actions. You’re doing the right thing too. x

Yes 🙌

I was nervous reading this because it could have gone so many ways, what a relief to see your son and his other friends are such good people.
The fact that when the girl and friend were missing from the group they they went looking for them says a lot, sounds like the friend had form.

Your son seems to be handling everything really well, not afraid to make hard decisions and has a strong sense of right and wrong.

The relationship with his dad - if it wasn't this it would have eventually been something else anyway, and sometimes it's better when it's such an obvious clear cut issue that helps soften the decision.

Your son sounds like an amazing guy.

I think he needs to navigate his relationship with his dad. He is 19, you should not get involved in that. If he wants no contact, that’s his choice. If he decides at some point he wants contact agsin, that’s also his choice. Just remain neutral. It’s not your decision to make.

as an aside, You might want to edit your post. There are a lot of details in it, which might be recognised by people involved (and frankly are not your place to publish online).

All I can say is I'm SO proud of your son, and I'm so proud of you for bringing him up so well. I have a toddler boy and you're inspiring me! Xx

Ps absolutely allowed to give his horrible dad a wide birth

You've raised a good man. Feel free to block his father, as you've no need for any contact with him, and just be available for when your son wants to talk.

His mate fully deserved the punch.

@Namechange44444
Your son is amazing.
He is absolutely doing the right thing.
However feel that the hardest part for him to come to terms with may be that he feels he is a poor judge of character.
His best friend of many years isn’t who he thought he was……that’s a very hard life lesson and one that you will probably have to talk through with him.
Good luck, you’ve raised an awesome young man.

Yeah I can definitely see why your Ex is an Ex. Men or rather any who don't see an issue or think people should stand up for sexual predators are every bit as bad. Thank God your Son has your morals and not his Father's.
I can't and wouldn't even want to imagine how terrified that poor Women was. I hope they give him at least 10 years. He'll probably only get 200 hours of community pay back though. 😠

Your son is a wonderful boy. You must be so proud of him for having a sense of right and wrong and the courage to act on it.

Ignore his despicable dad. He's an irrelevance. Do what you can to support your son to support the victim.

Even without this incident, it doesn't sound like the friendship would have lasted, given the friend's attitudes. The reality is that we all grow away from the people we were friends with in childhood. Try to help your son see this, and that he is definitely better off without this "friend" in his life.

What an awful situation to be in. What a wonderful son you have. He's knows what's right and is emotionally intelligent. He's an adult. Let him deal with his dad in his own way.

You ve raised a fabulous young man there. I’m sure you are proud of him. The rest of it is down to him as an adult.

Surprised by the people saying that he did the right thing punching him in the face. If the girl wanted to take this matter to the police, she may now feel she can't, as she might get the son into trouble. The ex friend could also threaten to go to the police about the son punching him (unprovoked from a violence point of view, since the girl had already got away from him) if she doesn't drop it / if she tells people etc. It might also be why some of the friends are siding with the ex friend as they feel he's had his punishment. Not saying he didn't deserve it or I wouldn't have been tempted to do the same. But that doesn't mean it was right

Well done to your son. Just keep reinforcing that he’s done the right thing and how proud of him you are and let him know that you’re there if he wants to talk about it. I wouldn’t blow it all up into a big deal though. He’s stuck to his values and that’s great. There will be many more of these situations to come in life and he will need to navigate them. Just have his back and be there to chat if he wants to.

Your son has the right opinion of his friend but please advise him not to hit anyone no matter what the circumstance.

Punches especially where alcohol are involved can kill and no what the circumstances, your son would have saved a manslaughter charge. It is more common than you think.

He is an adult so let him makes his own decision so about his father

You don't handle it. Your son is an adult and has made his own decisions. Bloody good decisions, furthermore!

@Namechange44444 - your son sounds like such a good man and you’ve done a good job being his mum!! He’s been very brave. We need more men like this who are prepared to cut friendships to standby women.

its a tricky time for him as he feels the sadness of his friend’s behaviour and cutting ties with his father and his equally poor behaviour.

All I can suggest is being there for him, really listening to him and letting him talk and get everything out.

It will pass and I hope his female friend is ok too x

What a lovely young man you have raised OP xx

Your son did the right thing and his dad’s a prick.

Support your son and reassure him. He’s an adult so he can manage his relationship with his dad and friends himself, but your support will still make a big difference at what must be a really difficult time for him.

Your son is an absolute credit to you.

well done. You’ve done a brilliant job raising him. Keep on doing whatever you’ve been doing the past 19 years and your son will be ok.

I’m so sorry your son is so upset.

You should be so proud of him.

He is old enough to make his own decisions, support him in whatever he wishes to do.

It’s upsetting but admirable for people to get rid of friends or even family that don’t align with their own morals and values.

Your son sounds a sensible and mature young man and you should tell him how proud you are of him.