Sons best friend has been accused of SA- Trigger warning

[Namechange44444]

Name change for this one.

My 19 year old sons best friend since he was 10 has been charged with SA against another girl in their friendship group at a house party. He blocked her in a room after getting her drunk and was pressuring her for things and kept grabbing at her and trying to slide his hand up her leg whilst telling her she knew she wanted to do it etc. She was upset and asking to leave and he wouldn't let her leave the room until the friend group including my son realised they were both missing and went to find them to check they were ok.

She came out in tears, told everyone what happened. My son took his best mate off and ended up punching him mid way through a chat as he apparently saw nothing wrong with what he'd done and was using derogatory language towards her...saying she was a slag etc.

My son and their other M/F friends have obviously rallied round the girl and she has a wonderful family who are looking after her.

My son told me and his father who doesn't live with us what had happened separately.

His father turned round and told him he should have stuck up for his mate (you can see why our relationship ended in this one sentence).

After a long string of things like this with his dad (that is already in counselling for) he's decided to cut contact with him. Plus his best mate and the friendship group has absolutely disbanded over the last week with people taking sides.

My son is very upset he's lost his best friend and finally decided to cut out his dad but he's also adamant its the right decision for both.

Any advice on how to handle this?

AIBU if I just let his relationship with his father dwindle out now?

People are judged by the company they keep and your son (and you) should be proud that he has done what is right and stayed true to his values.

It's a shame his father can't see this, but that is a reflection on him, not on your son.

Congratulations for raising a really decent young man! I would be very proud of him for doing the right thing. It takes men like him to help end sexual violence.

Your son is 19; he is old enough to decide if he wants to have contact with his father or not. personally and would not say it to him. He's better off without him to be honest.
I do not thinking punching him was the best idea. I hope it does not have repercussions for him, but I applaud him and the friends who have shunned this boy. they are showing they are real men
In the room, you can say too much drink, but that is not to say it is an excuse. There is not a reason to behave like this, but it shows, with what he said, what kind of boy he is.
better keep away from him now he has shown his true colors.

👏👏👏
Well done to your son 😀👍
He did the right thing, and should take pride in that. Stuff the 'friend' and the 'father'.

Don't assume that. I was raped at 17 and my dad actually said 'well at least he didn't hit you with a hammer, you could have been hurt'

What a wonderful man your son is, my advice ? A big hug and let him know how proud you are of him and that you will always be there.

Your son should be proud of himself and yes, dwindle the relationship with his Dad. He sounds a terrible person and ceasing contact is further supporting your son.

He will get new friends. Good people do.

Agree with this.
Actually very similar happened to me twice as a teenager, I wish a friend had stuck up for at the time.

Well done your son.

i cannot fathom why you would even question his decision to drop contact with his Dad.

He is an adult with a 100% sound moral compass
To try and facilitate, encourage or support any ongoing relationship would undermine your Ds’s clarity and bravery, and frankly, be a betrayal of women.

IF he decides to have communication with his Dad it’s up to him and in his terms.

Stay out of it.

I hope your Ds still has friendship and support from the friends who are supporting the poor girl.

Just keep telling him he did the right thing , ask him to reflect… does he actually feel the punch was the right tactic, and if not just think through how to control that impetus in future. (Because it could get him into trouble / badly hurt). But that it’s times like these that show people for who they are, and you are proud of him, and hope he can build things with the friends who are supporting the girl.

This this this.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to congratulate you on bringing up a brilliant son. As the mum of daughters it reassures me that there are good people in this world!

@Namechange44444 sorry but I am just shocked that any of the friends are supporting the abuser! well done to your son for being on the side of the girl victim. he needs to stay friends with all the ones who are supporting her. that group is the best one for morals. as for his dad! well the least said is best but he sounds like a bit of a male chauvinist bully!! If your son want to cut him out of his life then I would support that because honestly, no one should support an abuser of any kind!

Please tell you son how proud of him you are , I'm a stranger and I'm proud of him 💙 this hits close to home for me and I'm so glad that young woman had some wonderful friends around her including your son to help her when she needed them , he did the right thing at the tine and he's doing the right thing cutting his dad off , he knows his own mind let him lead his own way on this one just support him as he navigates his feelings 🙏

Tell your son that through his actions, he has demonstrated that he is no longer a Boy, but a Man.

I wish more men were like your son. You’ve done so well by him and should be exceptionally proud this is the man he is choosing to be

What a horrible situation. I don’t have any advice but Lucy Faithfull Foundation do provide support to people who are the ‘hidden victims’ of sexual abuse - families and friends of perpetrators. https://www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/picking-up-the-pieces-supporting-the-secondary-victims-of-online-child-sexual-abuse/

Your son should be proud of himself for what he did (maybe not the punch…) but it’s going to be a tough time for him. Any other time, he would have had his friend to talk to about breaking off contact with his dad and it sounds like he’d have liked to have his dad’s support for breaking off contact with his friend. He has very quickly lost two of the people he would normally rely on for support.

Try to help him find someone/ somewhere to get support - a family member that he trusts, counsellor, etc in case he would prefer to talk it through “man to man”. I’m sure you’ll do your best to be there for him, but sometimes boys might not feel comfortable talking to their mum.

Quite the stretch you performed there...

Tbf your son sounds like he’s got it all under control.

Well done OP for bringing up a thoughtful, kind son , who despite having some dodgy genes from his dad has overcome them ( with the help of your excellent parenting) and understands how we should all look out for the more vulnerable among us, whether they are male or female and whatever form that vulnerability takes.

It sounds as though he has enough good thoughtful friends so the gap left by his bullying misogynist ‘friend’ will soon close over.

I’m not surprised.
They were all behind tge girl when it happened.
But after? I suspect the boy started the ‘oh poor me…’ victim playbook, he was drunk, didn’t realise etc…. So they felt it’s now ok to support him because he is clearly so remorseful (see judges who tell a man yes they raped this woman but they have a bright future in front of them so no prison etc etc. They’re not the only ones 😢)

Well done to your son. If only men were like him!
What a scum bag his dad is. His best mate also. He's going to be gutted to loose his best mate, but he knows knows he's an awful person.

If he wants to let his relationship with his dad stop, that's up to him. He's an adult. But it doesn't sound like he's be missing much anyway.

@Namechange44444 your ds is 19yo. Whether he wants to see his dad or not is up to him. Please don’t make him feel guilty about cutting contact. It’s clearly a really important subject to him. He has his own (very good btw!!) principles and is sticking with them. His integrity is amazing. Just support him!

As for the friend. It’s always heartbreaking when someone you were really close to turns out to be a twat. And it will be even harder if the friendship is disintegrating too.
Just listen to him, remind him you have his back regardless and that it’s a shame but if it’s against his principles, then it is. It’s better to know now. Plus I imagine he is off to Uni in September? He’ll make new friends etc… too.

(Id Akso have a word, maybe not just now but when things have calmed down a bit, about him punching the guy. What other things could he have fine? Etc….)

Your son sounds like a great person but yes, losing his best friend and his father in the same day is going to be really hard for him. But you're obviously there for him and he's already in counselling so he will be ok.

I would talk to him about the punch though. Not because I think it was morally wrong to punch his friend but because he could so easily have been the one in trouble, not the friend. Single punches can seriously wound or even kill, just by landing in the wrong place. There would have been no hard evidence of the sexual assault (and we all know how often rapists get away with their actions) but your son's physical assault or, God forbid, manslaughter, would have been evident and could have ruined his life. Unusual, sure. Most punches are just punches. But it happens and could have been avoided by just telling him what he thought of him (as he did) then walking away.