Sons best friend has been accused of SA- Trigger warning

[Namechange44444]

Name change for this one.

My 19 year old sons best friend since he was 10 has been charged with SA against another girl in their friendship group at a house party. He blocked her in a room after getting her drunk and was pressuring her for things and kept grabbing at her and trying to slide his hand up her leg whilst telling her she knew she wanted to do it etc. She was upset and asking to leave and he wouldn't let her leave the room until the friend group including my son realised they were both missing and went to find them to check they were ok.

She came out in tears, told everyone what happened. My son took his best mate off and ended up punching him mid way through a chat as he apparently saw nothing wrong with what he'd done and was using derogatory language towards her...saying she was a slag etc.

My son and their other M/F friends have obviously rallied round the girl and she has a wonderful family who are looking after her.

My son told me and his father who doesn't live with us what had happened separately.

His father turned round and told him he should have stuck up for his mate (you can see why our relationship ended in this one sentence).

After a long string of things like this with his dad (that is already in counselling for) he's decided to cut contact with him. Plus his best mate and the friendship group has absolutely disbanded over the last week with people taking sides.

My son is very upset he's lost his best friend and finally decided to cut out his dad but he's also adamant its the right decision for both.

Any advice on how to handle this?

AIBU if I just let his relationship with his father dwindle out now?

What a wonderful son you have, brave, principled and moral. Well done to him and well done to you for raising him. As for his dad, your son can really see him for who he is and is old enough to make his own decisions about how he deals with the relationship.

Hello @Namechange44444 besides my son cutting his dad out purely because he’s a prick, I could have written something very similar a couple of years back now.
My Ds and a long time friend of his were at a house party and his ex friend was touching girls, calling them delightful names and being on the cusp of assault with one girl in particular
DS took friend aside and told him knock it off, friend didn’t and got thrown out by all the lads. (My son got punched by this friend but was okay thankfully) anyway it destroyed the friendship group but worked out in favour for most the kids actually, they all made new friends and the new groups seemed to suit them more and the core friends still stay in touch for occasions, the just don’t hang out daily anymore.
The boy who was verging on assaulting a young girl now deals drugs and his father is trying to get him to join the army to get him back on track. But ultimately for the kids who were wanting to ensure nobody was sexually harassed and were on the right side, their lives are going great. Sometimes kids are in a friendship rut and need a reason to explore other friendship avenues. My son actually is going on his first lads holiday soon with his new friends and they’ve been to festivals together already, things his old friends wouldn’t have wanted to do.
DS and her are good friends now and even though she was alright, she is quite anxious about being out alone to do her steps so DS or one of the other lads depending who is free goes over to hers to go for a walk with her. Im obviously proud the lads are doing this but it devastates me even at 18 women are scared of walking alone even just of an evening.

Where does it say he punched him in the face?

Oh op if only all boys and men had the moral compass of your lovely ds.

I don’t have a son but if I did I would hope that I managed to instil in him the excellent ways your ds has.

It probably wasn’t the best idea to punch his friend but he did it out of frustration.
I hope it has knocked some sense into him but I fear not as unfortunately this sort of behaviour runs deep.

Your ds is well away from him and he realises this, he’s doing the right thing by end by ending the friendship.

Your ds is an awesome young man that you must be very proud of.
Be proud of yourself also.

As for the relationship with his father he seems to know his own mind. He’s just realised how misogynistic his father is and all credit to him, has decided he doesn’t want a relationship with him and that’s completely his choice.
I hope he gets through this soon and I’m sure he will with your support.
All the best op. Thinking of you both 🫂

A man like that would probably ask his daughter what she was wearing, how she’d been dancing and what she’d been saying.

If my ex was an amazing person and son was being a bit unreasonable I would try and encourage son to maintain relationship. However in this case it is complete opposite, I would support son in his decision.

I don't really see what there is for you to handle? Your son has handled the situation. All you need to do is support your son and tell him how proud you are of him for cutting ties with these two awful misogynists. And maybe remind him to check in on his female friend who was put in that horrendous situation- she must be feeling very shaken at the moment.

It's good that your son respects women. You have obviously brought him up well. It's not nice to have negative people in your life and he's mature enough to make the decision not to see his father. If in time his father sees the error of his ways, perhaps their relationship can be repaired, but for now it sounds as if they need a long break from each other.

Scary that this guy who almost assaulted someone and is now a drug dealer could end up in the army where he will have the power to do more damage to people.

Your son was fantastic and I be very proud of him but you are right he has lost two significant people in his life (even if they are ah). Just keep telling him how proud you are of him. The only thing is to caution him not to punch next time as it could cause him getting charged. I do not blame him for punching the lad but it could have serious consequences for your lovely son.

@RawGarlic I genuinely couldn’t agree more. He was such a sweet kid, nice family, now he is just a wild little bastard. I fear the army will just fuck him up more and as you say, he’ll do more damage.
I remember him even just 5 years ago and if you’d have said that he would become a danger to women who dealt ketamin to kids I’d have never believed you.

My son is very upset he's lost his best friend and finally decided to cut out his dad but he's also adamant its the right decision for both.

As he is 19 I think you would be unreasonable to intervene in his relationship with his father, whatever the cause of his decision to cut him out. But I can understand why you might be in two minds, you’ve been doing that for a long time. Be proud of him for seeing his father for what he is and be proud of yourself for raising a man who not only has clear views on what is right and wrong but also has the courage to act and follow through on those views.

l imagine it is seeing your son upset that is causing you to question whether you should intervene. That’s understandable but I think this is one of those occasions where you can’t ease your child’s upset. He is bound to feel a sense of loss, maybe even shock. It’s a normal reaction when people we care about do something so appalling that it ends the relationship. It’s similar to bereavement but is sometimes accompanied by a misplaced sense of shame that they hadn’t seen it coming. Hopefully, your son doesn’t feel the latter.
It’s also a credit to you that he knows he can talk to you about this. Just keep listening and supporting his decision.

Well done for bringing up such a good young man which won’t have been easy with a dad that had that sort of attitude.
If he wants to cut ties with his dad I would say it is reasonable and support him in his decision.

Terrifying...

You should be immensely proud of your DS…..you’ve raised a true gentleman and he has given up so much based on his decision to do the right thing.

Your son sounds like a great young man!! Support him with his decisions (the right ones by the sounds of it!)
As for advice for him, confide in people he trusts regarding him cutting out his father (you, friends, cousins etc) if it is bothering him. As for the friendship group breaking down into “sides” he just needs to play it out as it is. True colours have clearly come to light, so he can use it as an opportunity to “weed out” the wrong type of people.

Good for your son. I'm old school and pretty relaxed about a good lad punching a knob like that. If a few more good lads dealt out a lesson like that to their "friends" maybe girls would feel safer.

On another angle - the sex assault guy calling the girl "a slag". What the f*ck does he think his action makes him? A male slag, that's what, if there is such a thing as a slag (which there isn't). Just like the grooming gangs calling their victims slags when they are huge slags themselves. When are we going to call time on this outrageous double standard? Pretty much everyone never calls these 'men' out for what they are.

My sons friend crossed a line with a girl and ds couldn't get past it. They was friends since 8.

It's good your son has a strong boundary. I'd respect all his wishes and just step back and support him in his choices.

OP, your son sounds like a good young man.

Your son will soon have better friends op, he has a credit to himself and to you, and will be respected and admired by his peers.

I agree 100%, the friend behaved appallingly. Was he drunk?

There's nothing to handle. Your son has proved himself as a fine young man with morals and you should be so proud of him as I am sure you are. Good on him for sticking up for the girl, hope she isn't too traumatised and she gets over this quickly.
I echo pp- he can make his own decisions re his Dad now. Say nothing to him about his Dad. Just be there as an ear when he wants to talk.

You must be so proud of him, well done on raising a very good man.

Very proud of the DS. Proud of the punch as well. Hopefully it was a good one.

I’m so impressed by your son, OP. A similar situation (but worse) happened in my friend group when I was in my early 20s and all the men bar my boyfriend tried to gloss over it and eventually sided with the twat who carried out the attack. Well done to your son for having a backbone and a strong sense of wrong and right. And screw your ex!