She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

"Just tell her"
"Don't let her"
"Say no".

You can tell who's never had the misfortune to deal with someone like this! My friend's mother went to great lengths to find out when & where my friend's hobby events were happening - and turned up at them all, being OTT and embarrassing my mate no end, as you can't exactly tell your mother to fuck off and never come back in front of everyone else.

My old Uncle emigrated to the other side of the world and his abusive mother followed him. So he moved to a different town and she moved next door. Ended up moving in with him when she got older and basically terrorised him and his wife. He had heart attacks and she was banned from the hospital room for making him worse. Don’t accept this shit op.

Yes quite. It's not so much different cultures. Lots of western people do have very close relationships with elders/parents and care for them for many years.

This is about relationships. If OP has not had a positive relationship with her mother over many years then there isn't any obligation to care for her. Destructive people have only themselves up blame if they end up alone in the world.

I wouldn't like this.. your making a new life for a reason...you may have to explain this to your mum ..she can move where she likes but let it be known she will have to make her own life there as you are starting a new life for yourself...
I'm late 60s would never consider doing this ..everyone has a right to choose to their own life

She is viewing a house next week that's come up for sale in the village - a huge bloody 6 bed place.

Buy it before she can!

This is probably what I would do.

You are definitely not being unreasonable to be unhappy about her move. I'd be trying my best to put her off.

I would suggest she looks at over 55 places maybe 15 miles away in a town with facilities and just be really factual - ‘look mum you clearly need company and I’m not going to be able to offer that as I’m working so can’t just pop out shopping ( with nowhere to shop nearby) - you are also vulnerable here with distance from facilities - let’s have a look together at a few things that are closer so I can see you a little more, but will give you more company and the facilities you need’ .

Two choices - one, be passive, gently push back and hope she doesn’t do it. Two, be absolutely clear you don’t want her to move to where you live. Risk the relationship and hope she doesn’t move.

tricky OP, but this sounds awful and I think you need to try and stop her.

Is your mum near to where you were before you moved here (100 miles away)
What about suggesting she moves closer but maybe not quite to the tiny village you're in as you don't think it would suit her. Is there a larger town near by, within 10 miles or something so she can be closer to you and you could maybe spend a big more time with her so she wouldn't feel so lonely but without her totally encroaching on your life

@OpenThatWindow Could you tell her it’s not ideal timing as you and DH have been discussing the possibility of moving away from the area, but it’s early days?

Yes. Knock it on the head, op.

You can’t really prevent her.
If she does I’d just tell people in advance what she’s like/ be upfront, give examples.

I don’t think she wants to teal your life I think she wants to join you - have you told her how much you love it by any chance? Perhaps you need to start saying you hate it! 😆

If you really don’t want to be her carer you need to tell her this now. Don’t let her move not knowing you don’t want to be a carer (she may not need care as such).
No doubt you’ll be doing her food shop though.

Why on earth does she need a six bed house?! A bungalow or flat would be better surely.

I think you just need to pull up your big girl pants and tell her no.

When my mil started relying on me more and more, I got fed up one day and said to her “This isn’t easy for me. I have my own home, kids and I work. How much did you do for your mother in law??”
I knew the answer was “nothing” but she was just quiet. I help out if I need to, dh sees hers couple of times a week to check in and she has dinner with us at least once a week.
She’s not horrible but very needy which makes her very self centred.
I’m not going to invite her shopping with me every time I go, or take her with us every time we go out somewhere (I do sometimes) and I feel no guilt about it at all. She had a good life living it how she wanted and she doesn’t appreciate how good she has it now.

It is sexism but it's also true with the older generation. I can tell my 81 he old dm something till I'm blue in the face but then when my brother says it or I tell my dm my dh said it, she listens.

I don't think it's an abnormal reaction, it sounds a perfectly reasonable reaction to me.

You're probably going to have to be straight and honest with her if she's very determined.

Or as she's so judgemental, is there something you could tell her that would put her off the location?

I imagine you are a very kind person that finds it hard to put up boundaries (I used to be like that), and I have a MIL that sounds just like your mother.

As others have said, your mother is free to make her own choice about where she lives, but you need to be upfront with her re: your hobbies and life. That's your space, and you will make some space for your mother but it will be outside of your volunteering, etc.

It is hard at first and your mother will likely be shocked, but the more you start to convey your feelings and needs, the easier it will become. You can lead with love and compassion. You can be the person your mother finds it hard to be. When people are so judgemental, it is usually because they are insecure and / or have never had someone stand up to them. Well, that is just my take anyhow.

Good luck. You are not in the wrong here. You do you.

It might be useful to have her closer but not too close. If she is moving house she needs to future proof her life by buying a bungalow or a ground floor flat within walking distance of a grocery shop and sources of friends her own age (a church, a WI etc). I’d be very clear to her that you’d encourage a move closer but far enough away that she creates her own social life.

I think you will have to be really blunt and deal with the fallout OR don't say anything and then you will have to make teh decision to be blunt or a doormat at that point

Even if the OP actively wanted to help care for her mother, it is a bad idea for her to move to a rural area where her independence will be curtailed by lack of public transport and other facilities.

It makes perfect sense. OP has no right to dictate where her mother does or doesn't buy a house, she's a grown woman for goodness sake. OP can give her opinion on the matter, and advise against it, but ultimately it's her mother's decision.

OP has no obligation to spend time with her once she moves though - it's not like she's planning on moving into OP's house is she?

That’s because you had maybe a difficult but not intolerable mother (or father).
Thats clearly not the case of the OP and many other posters.

I think the 6 bedroom bungalow is a strategic move in that direction.

I had a visceral reaction to what you wrote in your OP: I have just moved out of a village location just as you describe (not because of my mother!), and I know exactly what it is like. I would feel like a slug with salt poured on it if my mother (also like yours) said she was going to move to the village to do all the things. I would tell her that if she does that you would move. And then follow through. If there is somewhere reasonably close that is more sensible for her to move to (e.g. local market town) that has activities, gp surgery, shops she could walk to and whatnot, suggest that she moves there, but tell her that if she does buy a house in the village you will be moving out. I know that sounds extreme and will cause upset, but it's honestly what I would do.

A friend of mine had her DF move to her village (a different one, but close by) and honestly it has been painful to see. To be fair, most of the people in the village were able to see straight away what kind of person her DF was and not judge her for it, but still.

That's just speculation though. She could just be loaded and want a big posh house, who knows?

Her mother can't force OP to live with her, just like OP can't force her mother NOT to move to 'her' village.

My DH told his parents if they moved closer than an hour to us, then he’d have to take steps to protect himself and his family.

Sounds extreme - and if you’ve not experienced parents (or other family members) who seem fine on the surface but somehow view your existence as nothing more than an accessory to enhance their life, how can it be explained in a way you’d understand? Every so often I catch someone’s eye at a party when parents come up and clock they understand!

My DH had some counselling sessions once his parents pushed him one step too far (when we had kids) and knew he’d never be free of them if he didn’t change something. Very useful.

I knew someone at the same time who didn’t feel able to take a similar route to my DH and her parents have been living in the same extremely rural tiny village for years now. She hates every day.