She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

It's not all people with mothers like yours though. Some posts appear to be coming from people who say their parents are 'a bit difficult' and 'a bit demanding.. Some elderly parents are, it goes with the territory. Being with my mother was no picnc, she was critical and moany, and nothing anyone ever did was right. And she was quite harsh to me sometimes when I was growing up. But I would never have abandoned her in her old age (or my father) like some posters on here would do with their elderly parents. Because they were 'a bit difficult' and 'a bit demanding.'

People saying they CBA with them and won't do anything for them - and writing to them with a big list telling them they're on their own, and they will be doing fuck-all for them ever is quite shocking to me.

Guess we are all different.

Tell her how you feel
do not help facilite viewing houses etc
If she wants to go and view a house she’ll have to book a taxi or something

Ah no, OP, what a dilema.

Well I guess the best way to tackle this would be to have a frank conversation, preferably with a witness!

Of course she can move wherever she likes, you can't stop her, but you can make it perfectly clear that she will find it even more isolating in your village.

You may have to explain that her views - of which she is entitled no matter how vile and stupid they are - will not be appreciated in the village as it his home to kind, tolerant , friendly people.

You can reiterate that the reason she hasn't any friends at the moment is due to
her being judgemental and rude, and that won't change in your village.

Explain that you will be too busy to be her carer and shopper, and that your hobbies and classes are your space; and that you would have to stop going if she attended as well.

In short, be quite clear in that she is your mum and you appreciate that, but your views and personalities clash and you would be concerned about long term damage to that relationship if you were together in a small village.

You could finish by saying that if she did move to the village, you would have to seriously consider moving away which would make you very resentful, as you know this move wouldn't work for her or your relationship.

Honestly, I'm thinking if my father pulled this stunt, and how horrifying that would be for me and my family.

@Zov , maybe if people hadn’t put up with your mother being critical and moany, she would’ve got the message and been nicer. You want children who love you? Be loving to them. I can’t understand why we enable people like that-because they are the only mother you’ll ever have? I’d have told her to act like one.

If she can afford a six bedroom house then surely she can also afford to 'buy in' whatever services she is expecting you to provide? Shopping delivered, gardener, cleaner etc? Maybe you can say that to her. 'You're going to spend a fortune on getting people in to help, Mum, and there aren't many people willing to travel out to our village. I won't have time to help, so you might find it tricky going.' Lay out your expectations early.

I understand the wanting to keep a relationship with your difficult mum, I had similar with mine but fortunately she stayed a decent three hundred odd miles away.

On reflection I agree with this too. My mother wasn’t easy and said some hurtful things to me over the years (including telling me that I ought to “have more guts” when I was struggling with infertility) but I could not have turned my back especially as she ended up with dementia. That said I’ve always lived in the area I grew up in, if I’d moved away and she threatened to follow me I’m sure I wouldn’t have liked the idea.

I had the same with a friend a long time ago. We had children that did the same hobby, but she travelled an hour to come to the facility near to our house. She decided to move closer (purely for the hobby as her house, family and their jobs/schools were based where they lived). She kept enthusing about all the things we could do together when she moved. I had to have an incredibly awkward conversation about how my time outside the hobby was very limited and she should move if she wanted to but not to spend more time with us.

Ideally she could move to the nearest town to you with a hospital etc. About 25 mins away ideal with a property that would work as she gets older. A cool retirement village with hairdressers and hobbies on site would be ideal as she would have access to a social life and if she goes when more able she will be very established by the time she needs help.
Whatever she does you need to decide what you are prepared to do and communicate it with her. E. G. Mum to help with your planning and expectations of what life would be like if you were nearer I would not really be available in the week but would either take you out or visit for a couple of hours every weekend and I am happy to organise an online shop to be delivered. In the future I would try and help with medical appointments if I can but if you need personal care or a lot of home help I won't be able to do that.

My Mother mentally abused me since I was old enough to understand, she made it clear she never wanted me. I tried to win her love all my life because I never felt good enough and took her in after my Father died when I was fairly young. She made my life an absolute misery for years and was still taking pleasure in hurting me on her death bed, nothing was ever good enough or me. 10 years later, I've still not recovered.

Some of us are speaking from bitter experience. It never ends with giving them a lift, some expect us to become a nurse companion and still find us wanting.

However, those who said if their own adult children were ' so callous, cold and uncaring' they'd wonder where they went wrong are unlikely to ever experience their adult kids not wanting to help them.

You really need to emphasise the driving, distance to GP, hospital, shops, etc.

My parents finally moved from a rural location after a health issue that necessitated long, weekly, round trips to hospital. They were already late 70s and should have done it years ago.

I'd feel the same way about my mum, but I wish they were nearer me (just enough for me to help out occasionally) because they're so far that it's an overnight visit really, which is a different kind of problem. I'd find it easier to pop in for an hour once a week than have to schlep for a weekend.

It really is a total nightmare living rurally if you develop significant health issues. Reduced mobility in old age is pretty normal but much more of an issue on hills/cobbles/fewer buses.

A nearish town would be a much more sensible option.

Tell her she can buy your house as you are moving to the other side of the country for (any reason).

I would say to her that you hope she isn't moving to be near you because you and DH are seriously looking at moving in the foreseeable future. Suggest that the reasons for this are lack of facilities nearby, lack of transport, lack of pavements, etc - all the things that will be an issue for her.

This move can always be in the future, but 'going to happen'. You might even name a place that you think will work for her (and you!), but not too close, as somewhere you're looking at.

Oh no. This won't work at all. Sorry op I'm not sure how to get this sorted.

Coming from an ethnic background, I really can't understand this. If my mother wanted to be near me, I'd be more than happy and relieved to know I can help her as she gets older. But different cultures, different sense of responsibility I guess.

Unfortunately , I would ithink this expectation can sometimes lead to people being abused by their parents, or elderly people being abused by their children.

Family relationships are not always good, regardless of the background.

Have a bloody great row with her.

If she moves to be near you, and you go for coffee a couple of times a week, you’ve improved her quality of life without really changing your own. I think there’s a happy compromise to be had, but stealing your life feels like a stretch.
That said, ofc I don’t know the history of your relationship with her.

And different mothers. Would you want someone ‘rude and judgemental’ coming along to all of your hobbies, your volunteering activities, your shopping trips, your outings with friends etc? Because that’s the situation the OP is describing.

Awful boundaries

she’s not stealing your life but encroaching on it without invitation and permission

just tell her “I’m grown up now I can do things on my own!”

if your stomach is turning it’s because this is a gross infringement on personal boundaries

sound like she has a fantasy about life and no self awareness

In some cultures parents control their children to the extent of deciding who they marry, won't accept them being gay, etc. Men control their wives' lives - what they wear, when and where they go out, who they speak to etc. But different cultures I suppose.

Haven't read the full thread, no time.

Two choices: you can tell her that you will see her once a week if she moves to your village and that will be it, but you're not going to look after her or introduce her to your friends and you're certainly not going to live with her. (I'm presuming the 6-bed house would be so that you could all live together.)

Or you lie and warn her that your DP's been offered a fantastic job somewhere else (much nearer to where she's living now?) and to hold off moving to your village because you may not be there much longer. I think you can probably drag that one out for 18 months or so, by which time she'll probably have set her sights on something else.

Are there any good over-60s housing developments within a few miles? I know someone whose lonely and difficult mother (a bit like yours, all drama and upset) moved to one and seems to have fitted in well and is no longer as dependent on my friend for support.

Good luck.

Exactly..that’s why we have moved away from extended family set ups in my culture as soon as we could

While she is in the area looking at the house, you could find, or suggest she finds, a retirement village or apartments to look at, as an alternative to a 6 bed house. Obviously a retirement village not too close to you! and near hospital, shops and bus routes etc. It could give her the chance to meet like-minded individuals and ensure that there are facilites to suit her age.

It would indeed be a nightmare to have her tagging along on all your activities, that is not going to work.

Having read your updates - what on earth, and how is a 74 year old who pisses everyone off in need or going to run a 6 bed house

I like the idea you tell her DH work is relocating him

in seriousness though - you’ve got to tell her - I had a mum that didn’t have her own personality either and used to hang on others - it’s sound like this - you need firm boundaries and NO