She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

Good point!

This - spell it out.

And add the bit about her views. ‘Most people here are remainers/provaxxers/antiTrump etc - you are not going to be made welcome if you spout your views like you normally do.’

Perhaps spell out exactly what you can do. ‘ I can take you shopping for an hour on Saturday morning and can call in for an hour on Wednesday evening. But that will be it. ‘

And if she goes ahead, you stick to it.

Tell her you are moving to St Kilda?

Yes my Beloved Mum & I were best friends but She would never impose on my friendships

Notwithstanding the socialising with you, shopping, hobbies, volunteering - you wfh but to your mother that means you're available all day every day. Which could end up making your job precarious.

Before she moves, if you think it's a real possibility, you're going to have to be very blunt with her. And if she doesn't like it, tough. You can't spend the next however many years focusing your life on her.

Said someone who clearly doesn't understand what it's like having a difficult mother

It’s really not

Those without nice normal parents understand this well. Those that have nice normal parents will go how lovely, she’s your mum, of course she wants to live close etc. Those of us that haven’t are filled with dread at the idea.

I would match the rudeness and steam rolling with the same. Like -
I would say-
Dear Mum or scratch that just :

Mum

I moved here to get away from you. You are loud and opinionated and rude - not to mention some questionable opinions that are not mine or the majority of the population or are just downright offensive.
I grew up with you and I have blossomed moving away from you and getting my own life. This is my life and my community. Not yours. The reason you are lonely is the way you are not the area. If you will come here it cause me stress by living close and muscling in on all my friendships etc
You don’t seem to care about offending people so I will say it how it is- I don’t want you here. Move 45 minutes away or an hour away or stay where you are - but not right here. To do so will upset me.

You will not be coming to my activities with me or my hobbies - you will not be welcome. We will not be shopping together. You will not be popping in. Understand it. It’s not happening.

Even saying this has upset me. Consider me - I made this life and I don’t want you living it in.

You sound like a teenager. You mom is old and lonely and obviously needs help. She brought you up. It's your time now as her daughter to help her.

You obviously can’t stop her from doing what she likes but you absolutely can and must make it perfectly clear that you’re not comfortable with it and as you are busy with work etc, don’t expect constant support etc.
I’d be heavily stressing the negatives.
Also, I think you said she’s 74. Why on earth would someone of that age, want a massive house?! Madness!

I’d absolutely hate this too.

I moved 120 miles to be closed to my mum a few years ago as she is in ill health.

We are “close” in that we speak every day (via email, she insists she can’t text / WhatsApp), and she is very involved with my kids.

But we do not get on, so we are careful to try and maintain boundaries. She also has a very difficult personality. She does not have much family left due to her personality (so, I, by association, also have very little family) so we do stick together and help each other out.

However, I moved to her area. Not the other way around. She does try to come to my hobbies etc. If she did I would very much try and keep a
distance from her.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to not like this. You will need to be blunt with her. It does sound like she is banking on you caring for her in later life.

So transactional.

You sound like someone who has no empathy for a person who has been brought up by a toxic nightmare.

We don't ask to be born and it's a parents' responsibility to take care of the children they chose to bring into the world.

It's not the responsibility of the children to take care of the parents, especially since these children already have plenty of responsibilities already, such as taking care of their own children and working full time.

Furthermore, OP's mum deliberately drives people away. Her loneliness is her own doing and now she wants to socially isolate her daughter too, so that she can claim all her attention for herself. She doesn't even respect the fact that OP works full time and is expecting OP and her husband to cater to her every whim. It's pathetic, but none of this is OP's fault or responsibility.

You are entitled to your opinion as we all are but I think, despite what else you have said, you may have nailed it for some posters with your last sentence.

I would wonder where I'd gone wrong if my DC were so callous and cold and uncaring.

But that's your choice. Lots of people whose mums were critical and nasty during their childhood would not want to help their mums in their old age and that's perfectly reasonable.

The unreasonable ones are the mothers who give their children a dreadful childhood but expect these same children to provide elderly care. If their children want to do it, that's fine. If they don't want to do it and would prefer to go no contact with their abusive mums, that's fine too.

It’s not. I would hate this too.

This would be my worst nightmare. I have no advice because I don't know how you stop her, but you have my sympathy.

I love my mum, she isn't difficult at all, but I would also hate it if she hijacked my life, friends and hobbies. And somewhere suitable for a young working person isn't always right for an older person who doesn't drive.
I would sympathise with her loneliness but say clearly that your village is not suitable for her at her age and your friends and hobbies are not going to suit her. Tell her that she has to make more effort to find her own friends and hobbies. Even offer to help her do that. Or to more to somewhere else perhaps nearer you but definitely not in your village.

You’re just going to have to bite the bullet and be honest, OP. I would hate this too, you’re definitely not being unreasonable!

I agree with the numerous other posters who have said that you need to be blunt and straight with her. The alternative is that she arrives and causes a huge amount of trouble, disruption and upset. You'll probably end up moving again yourself for a fresh start.

Start looking for something for her in the nearest town with decent facilities. Near enough for you to visit but not super close. Ideally bungalow or flat

You really need to find it in yourself to be assertive about this.
If she moves to your village it won't go well. You'll be under constant pressure to care for her.
You have to just tell her no.. tell her you can't stop her but you won't be associating with her and will potentially move away from the area if it gets too much for you.
You just have to straight up tell her this.
Of course she will be upset. But dealing with her upset now will be better than the years of misery her moving to your village will cause you.

Please don't move here Mum.
I don't want you to.
I've worked hard to make friends here and you will cause stress and arguments with them.
Sorry to be blunt! But you know what you're like.

You cannot stop her - but If she is as stubborn as you say, the more you protest, the more she will dig her heels in. Let her do whatever she wants and if she does move into the village - that’s your cue to start making plans to leave.