She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

YADNBU. Your situation sounds like a nightmare, do whatever you need to do to stop this from happening including being as blunt and rude as she is!

IMO now is the time to bite the bullet. It’s been on the cards for long time. OP you will have to go to no communication NOW. Silence speaks louder than words.
No response I’ve read will deal with the problem that DM will not listen.
She has fixed opinions about everything and is determined to follow through.
She’ll buy this house. Leave her to find out that she’s totally on her own in dealing with what she’s done.
Otherwise OP will be eaten up with resentment and eventually hatred.

This makes me miss my mum. ❤️

Adding on to what I've already said: I think it's unfair to guilt OP about this situation, when it's clear that her mother is not a wonderful person. You're telling her to feel pity for mum based entirely on her advancing age, but that age is not making her a more likeable person. Someone who couldn't make friends throughout their life, and is now suffering the consequences of being unlikable and intolerant (going by the conspiracy theory/political followup observations by OP), just as an older person.

How did it go @OpenThatWindow ?

There’s clearly more of a back story to this. Where is the stealing coming from? She sounds like she’s lonely and wants to be with someone that knows her as she gets older. Is she independent i.e. mobile, healthy? If so I would make it clear that she needs her own place and space to do what she wants and she can still see you when you’re both free. You could be on hand to set her up etc and have clear boundaries and a definite no to joining you all the time!
For me the bigger issue is caring for her when she needs more support? Maybe now might be the time to consider long term plans and go from there?

I assume that OP will take some precautions to stop that happening to her, like being a loving parent to her children and not being a rude and judgemental pain in the arse. OP's mum is reaping what she has sown.

Why not suggest that she moves to the nearest town centre? Then she's still closer to you, to help ward off loneliness, but ultimately in a different community. If she doesn't drive much then this will also mean meeting up will be more on your terms. You can dress it up as her needing easier access to amenities as she gets older.

I would emphasise the negatives for her and explain that this doesn't work for you. Be firm in that your activities wouldn't suit her and neither would the location. You could also encourage her to join clubs in the area she currently lives in but be prepared to tell her the truth about why she doesn't have friends, it's her own fault and that won't change wherever she lives unless she does. At 74 that's unlikely to happen.

I completely understand.
At the same time, I also feel bad for the woman your mum boxed herself into.

Actually, being the beneficiary of a loving mother, I feel awful for you both.
We have such a small time on this world.
I’m happy you have your husband.
Sending love. ❤️

Maybe that's because the OP knows what her mother is like.

Well bully for you 🙄🙄

Another virtue signalling twerp. 🙄

Well I'm sure the OP is helped tremendously to hear how lovely YOUR mum is 🙄

Is it village-y enough you could dissuade the seller of the house from selling it to your mum?

If not, I'd try to sell her on the merits of a local town with footpaths, busses and maybe trains.

Also exaggerating your employer's rules for working from home / confidentially of work papers is worth a try.

Haha!

I do hope your chat goes OK, @OpenThatWindow.

In situations like these there needs to be mutual honesty, respect, empathy, sensitivity and willingness to compromise.

All you can do is approach it that way yourself. If your mother won’t, all you can do is set very clear boundaries, e.g. “I don’t want you to move to the same village or attend the same clubs as me”. Don’t stoop to her level.

If she rides roughshod over your feelings and needs, and moves there anyway and joins the clubs you’re in, you’ll have to distance yourself and explain to your friends what’s happened.

And what happened?

YANBU, I feel very sorry for you and I wish I knew how I could help you. Anyway, I would certainly inform your friends and neighbours about the arrival of your mother and that this makes you uneasy.

To the posters who think I'm a horrible daughter - I do understand why you'd think I'm being awful, but if you had my mother growing up, you'd feel the same.

You know you sometimes get a nightmare neighbour? A friend who turns out to be quite toxic? A difficult, bullying colleague? A horrible encounter with a stranger in a supermarket?

Some of those people have kids that grow up with their behaviour, and take the brunt of it for years and years.

I have hope!

I took the advice to really go to town on the negatives of the location, rather than trying to persuade her to not move here. I just felt if I was really honest, she'd get offended (not exactly without reason) and then be more stubborn.

I don't want her to feel unwanted, because I do have a heart, but I also really want to keep my life as it is.

There is a town about 50 minutes away that I think would really suit her - transport links, property values are affordable for her for a 2 bed bungalow, there seems to be lots for her to easily do, and I'd be happy to see her once a week.

She's still set on viewing this ridiculously unsuitable huge house, I've said I'll go too. I might "see" signs of subsidence or something...

Honestly I can't thank everyone enough for the support, it gave me a kick up the rear to confront her, albeit in a subtle way.

Hoping now I've planted the seed of this alternative location, she'll give it more thought.

Could you not be honest?

74 is not that old. She could easily have 15 years.

“Mum I love you and want you to be happy but I think you are a too rude and judgemental for it work living so close to each other.

Can I help you find somewhere you’d like elsewhere?”

If she decides she wants to go ahead with this property you should offer to book the survey for her and use ChatGPT to generate a terrible survey for an identical property and change the address etc - really put her off by talking about exposed asbestos, subsidence, Japanese knotweed and all the things nobody would want.

how awful for you - you imagine the potential scenarios because you know what’s she is capable of. Something similar has happened to me (not my mum but a family member) - the resulting havoc reflects right onto you -you haven’t done anything but the shame by association is awful . Difficult but Tell her now - sounds like you have a lovely life .. she will never change .

Sorry, was just speaking from my heart because she's not had the easiest life so have always felt extra protective.

Yes, sad not all Mums are the best and loving to their children despite their own difficulties.

I didn't mean to be insensitive, as I said, OP has her own reasons and justifiably so. Xx

Sounds a bit wishy-washy, OP. Are you sure that's enough? If/when your mum moves to your village, might it get bad enough that you have to move away and not divulge your new location to her? After all, once she destroys your life in the village, she might follow you again. Would using the nuclear option now rather than later actually be better? This would mean being absolutely blunt and honest, while refusing to help. Sounds like you're going to end up doing that eventually anyway.