She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

could you suggest that she moves to the nearest town where there are more amenities, buses etc?

This is a nice way of dealing with it without being over blunt to begin with.
I had the same situation with one of my parents, and it would have potentially been very difficult. I was able to find a house they liked that was 15 mins away, and introduce them to different hobbies - eg dancing, which I didn't do.
I do feel for you op, hope you can work something out. You are not being unreasonable.

Double post sorry

I had the same thing except she didn’t tell me…she told my brother! It too, is not going to happen. Solidarity - just remain firm!

It's so difficult to tell your mother you don't want her but if you want your own life, it has to be done. My DM was obsessed with controlling everything. I moved country to escape, living in a rural setting with no neighbours. She told me she'd come to live with us and bring her disabled husband. (Both in wheelchairs) I had to say straight out, 'No.' I hated doing it but I'd have hated the consequences of knuckling down even more. Don't give way.

YANBU. You'll hear from a lot of people with lovely close relationships with their lovely mums, but they aren't considering your situation, only theirs.

My mum sounds similar to yours: actually she's nice enough, but very judgemental, very opinionated (and yes, we all are, but you learn when to share that opinion and when not to!) and has burned every friendship bridge she's had. We are very different personalities. I do love her, she's my mum, but that doesn't mean I want her moving next door and steamrolling all of the relationships I've developed over the years. She's had enough of ruining her own friendships; she doesn't need to burn through mine, as well.

If she isn't getting out and volunteering/ socialising/ whatever now, where she is, she isn't going to do it when she lives next door to you. She will just sit and loudly judge what/how/whom you do anything with, and you will resent every minute of it.

If she does make this move, you'll have to find a way to limit things. As in, a weekly dinner or outings (or monthly!) but be clear you have a routine and she needs to have her own.

Easier said than done, I know. good luck.

What? No it’s not

View the same houses as her under a pseudonym and outbid her?

In all seriousness, you are just going to have to tell her.
The worst that can happen?
It will blow up massively and she will stop talking to you..
This possibly doesn't sound like too bad a thing?

Unless she would blow up and you and theb still move out of spite/control?

I think your comment seems strong and a bit abnormal.

Can’t you just tell her no. Or advise that she’s on her own?

Have your family gone NC with you and years later you still dont know why?

My mother was very difficult but when she needed it I was there. I would not have wanted her to live with me but if that had been necessary then there would have been some ground rules set. She brought you up and was there for you. It is pretty obvious that she is feeling her age and wants to have some security in what life she has left - at 74 every day you open your eyes is a bonus.

I couldn’t do this to my mum!

It's a shame you feel this way and you have your reasons. In this situation I would be delighted for my Mum to be nearer so I could help her but she's a very easy going, kind and wonderful person. Xxx

But the same but my parents are wanting to do the same move country to be close to me after moving away from near me 17 years ago . I’m actually a bit sick thinking about it because my parents are super judgemental and we have ill end up arguing all the time . I feel for you

If you've never had an overbearing, controlling mother who tries to insert themselves in every single aspect of your life, and doesn't like you having priavy or secrets, then no, you won't understand.

New fear unlocked.

I think people with loving, unselfish mums will never get how draining and awful this situation would be for those of us who are exhausted just by their mum’s phone calls.

Is she going to view the house before she buys it? If she's still at that stage, don't facilitate her getting to the viewing. Be busy, uncontactable whatever needs to happen. She can experience what it's really like getting to and from the village.

I understand that this mother is difficult and I think the op should be honest with her mother. But reading this comment made me really sad, do you hate the woman who gave birth to you so much. There is no love, no understanding or compassion. One day you too will be an elderly women maybe widowed with the children you loved and cared for barely acknowledging you. Busy with their families, contemptuous of you. Just v sad. Ps I live with my daughter and grandchildren and have great relationships with my sons.

@OpenThatWindow I can understand why someone would want their children to care of them, but she is prioritising her own needs & wants above your own by saying she's going to join social activities with you. She's relying on you to be her social lubricant because as you say, she can't get on with people, and she'll happily damage your hard won social life in the process. You're going to have to give her a very hard no on that OP.

I wonder if, like some domineering parents, she wants the best of both worlds with you. As in, she wants to pretend that you're somehow equals and that it's normal that she's part of your social group, as if she were just another person your age, whilst expecting to also benefit from and retain parental privileges.

All that will be to her benefit but will cost you a lot. It's not healthy or reasonable for a parent to enmesh themselves in their child's personal life like this, and it's a red flag for a domineering character.

And if your mother is reading this, have a very hard think. It's understandable you'd want someone there for you for certain things, or if you can't drive yourself to the hospital and such, but you have to put in an effort to create your own emotional life and not suck your daughter of hers. That kind of expectation is deeply unhealthy.

Oh this sounds very stressful. Could you look for the nearest retirement flats with some level of community activity involved? That’s an easy drive from you but in a town / bigger village with pavements? Just explain to her with love all the ways that both of you would hate her being in your village, be really honest. She’s far too old to be buying a 6 bedroom house, that’s ridiculous.

You need to be honest and tell her that you have your own life and friends there, and that she needs to build her own life.
This means if she moves closer she won't be welcome shaddowing you.
She has told you her intentions, which means she knows there may be resistance.
Personally, if you haven't already done so, I would also tell her that you find her judgemental and rude, and other people will too, and that she needs to be more accepting if she wants a life which is not lonely and empty.

You need to talk to her frankly. That you will be able to spend some time with her, but it is not going to be ok for her to join in your hobbies as you need time and places that are just for you. So if she feels she can manage to build a life for herself understanding she will be doing it for herself and you will have limited time for her, that is up to her. But she needs to think carefully about what she is doing at her time of life.

Wow, this why I love how some of the other nationalities look after their elders. No matter what they'll make sure they are still part of the family. Worrying about how she'll make you look is just an excuse! Life won't always be this way for you OP, one day when your DH will pass, your friends fade away and your hobbies will be something you once did and karma will come back to bite you, will you be lonely and wishing you had someone to talk to....I actually hope so.