She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

I'm genuinely sorry I have offended you (and upset you.) I was just curious and nosey and inquisitive.

Many apologies.

Quoted my own post!

Try again.

I hope your mom drives and has a car bc that just sounds awful to me. I hope it doesn’t happen. Good luck

@FreeRider

I'm genuinely sorry I have offended you (and upset you.) I was just curious and nosey and inquisitive. Many apologies.

Apologies to @OpenThatWindow for somewhat hijacking your thread.

I know some posters have screeched 'but you can't stop her' and unfortunately, they are right. All you can do is make it clear to her that she's not going to become your sidekick and she will have to make a life of her own. Far easier said than done, I know.

Fucking hell! Truly awful your mother did that. The blood drained from my head when I read she took the other flat. It took me back to my own mother who was a piece of work and tried to swallow me whole.

Nothing but admiration for surviving it! Until you have had a mother like this you do not know the huge emotional, mental and physical toll it takes. 💐

Suggest she moves to the nearest town (half a hour away) as she will be isolated due to lack of pavements, difficult roads, poor public transport. Explain you’ll be busy all day with work and you won’t be taking her to your hobbies or friends outings as they are just for you. However you’d love her to move to the nearest town as you’d be able to see her weekly and there’s so many more activities for people her age. Research and give her details

OP, your feelings are understandable and valid. I would not want her living anywhere near my home. As others have said, be diplomatic, frank and very firm. She might be under the misguided belief that you want her living next door to you xx

Please don't do this. This indicates a poor boundary. She will smash through it.

Keep her well away.

She needs to stay where she is - she will have some networks she can pick up if she wants. She will have services etc that she is familiar with.

Given she hates driving how is she going to view this house?
I would start by having zero to do with facilitating this appointment.

I also wouldn’t meet her in your area again only in hers.

Dfod

What absolute nonsense.
The OP wasn't forced on her mother and has had her lifetime dealing with a negative mother.
Her mother is now attempting to force herself fully onto the OP.

No one made her have children 🙄. Plus children normally go off and have their OWN lives (hint, hint)

Of course, because it is compulsory in the UK for women to have children, even if they don't want them. If you really believe that, there is no hope for you.

OP's mum chose to have a child and therefore had a legal responsibility to care for her. OP didn't ask to be born so has no responsibility to care for her mum who sounds dreadful.

It's always the worst kind of mothers who seem to make these sorts of demands on their adult daughters (hardly ever on their sons). None of them seem to have enough self-awareness to understand that it's their own behaviour that makes their adult children so reluctant to provide any sort of help or care in their old age.

Oh wait, where's my teeny tiny little violin? 🙄

Does your mother behave in a similar way to the OP's?

Maybe you need to tell her that, if she moves to your village, you will put your house on the market and move away.

Couldn't you get her involved with your friends mums?

Maybe you should think about her and how she feels and think of all the years she spent looking after you and having your back. You sound a little entitled and whiny. She’s quite old now so sparing a little of your time for her would be a nice thing to do. Just lay down some boundaries.

I'm gathering you don't like your mum very much.
I'm curious, did she not look after you very well, or buy you nice clothes, or give you birthday parties .
Sounds very sad. I understand you not wanting your mum joining in your life every day ..but no.days ?
I find it very sad. Where's your dad ?
You have obviously no love for your mum,
What did she do wrong that you are doing differently with your children ? I assume you want to see your kids once they get older and have their own families.. or maybe you dont want your children in your life once they get older, move on with their partner..??

She’s your mother for goodness sake how would you feel? If one of your children turned round and said that about you when you in your Twilight years? I cared for my mum for over 10 years and she could be a lot of things which on a scale from awful to lovely she filled them all

i use to think she was stealing my life when I was having a bad day but actually we were very close and she enriched mine. Id do anything to have a day with her again, pestering me and annoying me with demands. Id love those times again careful what you wish for. They are a long time dead and parents can never be replaced.

Don't be ridiculous!

Jeez, if only your mum would have the decency to die quietly and not to trouble you with her loneliness, in case some of your new found friends took a slightly dimmer view of you! Well guess what the world doesn't revolve round you, and I’m sure your mother made plenty of sacrifices for you when you were younger.

Loneliness is a terrible problem for old people (particularly older women, given husbands will tend to die first). Maybe think how you’d feel if the situation was reversed?

Those people with normal to good relationships with their mother will have no comprehension of your reaction.
People with terrible to mildly controlling parents will understand your reaction.
I’m guessing you moved away because of your mother.
Write down the long-term pros and cons of each outcome. Talk it out with as many level headed people as you can and your decision will emerge.
It’s a tricky one. I’m afraid only you can make that decision because you (and no-one on here) will have to live with the consequences of either decision. Good luck x