She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

Poor woman. Her daughter is moaning online about her moving to be close to her. Jesus Christ.

The OP said she’s ‘very judgemental and rude’. Maybe if she wants people to enjoy spending time with her, she could try being not judgemental and rude? I wouldn’t expect my kids to want me living near them if I was judgemental and rude to them.

I cannot believe some of the comments here about avoiding caring responsibilities. When did we become this uncaring society, or is just on Mumsnet?

I can assume that the OPs mother likely avoided her own caring responsibilities towards her own child - and thats probably being generous - by the way she has behaved throughout her life offending and falling oout with everyone in her path. The OP will have had a lifetime of stress and shame dealing with that and is likely to have been a target at times as well. OP has done well to forge a good marriage, move away from the drama to build a calm and joyous life for herself despite the shoking behaviour of her mother.

"My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude.

So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

Honestly I feel a bit unwell at the idea of her offending everyone I've worked hard to befriend! She 100% will.

She's an anti vaxxer, loves Trump, believes conspiracy theories, says awful rude things and gives unsolicited 'advice' - she has a history of forming quick intense friendships and then blowing up and falling out.

Instead she's chosen to fall out with everyone."

The OP owes this emotionally dysfunctional and nasty character nothing - she needs to protect her friends and neighbours from this path of destruction and preserve the calm and peaceful life she has built for herself.

I moved 13 thousand fucking miles away to get away from my narc mother after she drove me to attempt suicide. When I started seeing a psychiatrist after trying to kill myself, all my mother cared about was if I was going to 'bad mouth' her to him.

'Poor woman' my fucking arse. Not every mother is some sort of fucking saint. My mother followed me, and I still thank my lucky stars every day, 30 years later, that money issues forced to fuck off back to our home country after 18 months. I'm the one that is still being treated for C-PTSD.

"I cannot believe some of the comments here about avoiding caring responsibilities. When did we become this uncaring society, or is just on Mumsnet?"

It applies to parents who were very uncaring. Most of us would care for our elderly and do our best for them but nobody wants to have to look after someone who made your life Hell as a youngster.

So you are just completely ignoring the many reasons why OP has said she doesn't want her mum to move to her village?

She's not a sweet loveable old lady who has been a great mum to OP.

YANBU—I'd feel the same. You've grafted to build a life that’s yours, and now she’s trying to slot herself into every bit of it like it’s a package deal.
You’re not wrong for wanting space. Just because she’s lonely doesn’t mean your world has to become hers. Set some boundaries now, or you’ll end up resenting her—and rightly so.

Just catching up with the thread after a busy day- again thank you for all the advice to assert myself! I'll be meeting her tomorrow for a chat.

I'm going to be really honest with her. I don't want her to feel unwanted, she's still my mother, but I just don't think it's the right place for her to live. At all. As well as wanting to keep my lovely life, I've worked hard and invested in it.

To those saying how awful I am - if you met my mother, you'd understand...

I understand! Sounds very similar to my mother.

OP - I would also tell a small lie and say that you have talked about moving because it's so isolated... Nothing is certain but as well as being completely unsuitable for her, she may find herself alone.

Just anything to nip it in the bud.

I understand the conflict of loving a difficult mother.

@FreeRider

I'm so sorry for you, my narc mother attempted this shit back in the mid 90s (I was mid 20s at the time, she was late 50s).

Like your mother, she thought she could glom on to my life...even to the point she thought we could live together - Six months previously I'd moved 13 thousand fucking miles to get away from her, from one side of the planet to the other...it just wasn't going to happen! Unfortunately she followed me...

She wouldn't take NO for a fucking answer and even moved into the same block of flats...on the same sodding floor

@FreeRider

I moved 13 thousand fucking miles away to get away from my narc mother after she drove me to attempt suicide. When I started seeing a psychiatrist after trying to kill myself, all my mother cared about was if I was going to 'bad mouth' her to him.

'Poor woman' my fucking arse. Not every mother is some sort of fucking saint. My mother followed me,

Serious question, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles and that you have (had) a dreadful mother, but if your 'narc' mother was so bad that you had to move '13 thousand fucking miles' to get away from her, why did you let her know where you were? Why did you give her your address? Also, how did she manage to just slot herself into (I presume) New Zealand or Australia? They're not the easiest countries to emigrate to. Even if it's not one of these 2, most countries don't make it easy to emigrate to!

There are so many hoops to jump through, and things you need before you can get into Australia, and be accepted as a citizen. (And NZ is similar.) Being under 45 is important if you want to work there, you must have a clean bill of health, you must have a profession or skill to offer, and you need qualifications. You also need proof you have some decent savings to take.

And if you are over 45, (or in your 50s, 60s, or older,) you need to demonstrate that you have a very high income in order to support yourself. You can get in easier as someone older if you have adult children living there, but they have to champion your cause and want you there. You clearly didn't want her there. How did she just 'follow you?' And how did she manage to get into a flat on the exact same floor on your block of flats?!

@Zov I moved from Oz to UK. Both myself and my mother have dual nationality.

She was with me when I looked at my flat, met my landlady...I looked at two flats on the same floor. She rang my landlady afterwards, without telling me, and took the other flat.

you stole her life when you were younger.

Fair enough. Why did you tell your mother where you live/your address though? That's the bit that's baffling me, seeing as you moved to Oz to get away from her.

Her mum chose to give birth to her, presumably.

@Zov Because at the time I didn't want to go no contact, and this was before the internet/email was widespread, so letters/phone calls were the only way to keep in touch. I moved to where my younger brother had moved to (also to get away from our mother) and if I hadn't told her he would have.

FOG I expect. You say it as though it’s some sort of ‘gotcha’, but as you can see just from this thread women are conditioned to appease/care for their mothers even when they’re shit. I do the same. It’s hard to push back on, especially when people say things like ‘she gave up her life for you when you were young’. If you’re not in the situation, you won’t understand. That’s fine.

A useful example of the kind of attitude that leads to adult children deciding to distance themselves from the parents.

Exactly that - fear, obligation and guilt. I was only just 25, was recovering from a suicide attempt and didn't want to lose one of the 3 members of my family that was left. I just wanted some fucking distance from her and believe me, moving countries was the only way I thought I would get it.

Her decision to view a 6 bedroom house certainly paints a picture!

Hi, mum!

@zov I'd also like to add to my reply to your judgemental, inaccurate pile of shite, that I've fully accepted that I won't be able to live back in Australia until my mother dies. She's 84 this year and is in full ultra right wing misogynistic, racist sexist perfect health. This is a woman who recently, when told that a woman we both know was beaten up by her husband, asked 'what did she do to deserve it?' So yeah, I won't apologize for the fact that I don't want to be within 13,000 miles of her...

I understand. Sorry to have been so intrusive and nosey. I was just curious and puzzed that's all. I apologise if I spoke out of turn.

The fuck you on about?! That's some twisted shit! Yeah, parenting is hard, but thinking your children "steal" your life is wrong on so many levels!

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this, but at the same time it's good for me to know that I'm not the only one. I too moved to the other side of the world, and am not going back!