She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

You'll have to be pretty brutal, which is a shame because she has put herself into the position of having no life. You need to say 'You are not joining my hobbies, I will not drive you places or take you shopping. She will, as mine would, drive you absolutely nuts.

Agree. You have to say no. You're not taking her to your hobbies and being her taxi. Be very very clear and don't budge. Don't help with viewings, information or anything. If she moves, that's on her.

I don’t come from a backward culture if that’s what you’re inferring not so subtly. I come from one that respects family, especially parents. I would never treat my mother coldly. I owe her my life.

I would be singing the praises of that six bed house @OpenThatWindow ….surely also with

…a large garage for her car, which of course she is going to need to drive everywhere
…loads of storage for the food she will want to bulk buy to save her having to drive the long distances to the shops each week
…with loads of storage for tools and lawnmower, so that she can cut her lawns
… with plenty of rooms for her friends to come and stay so she won't be lonely whilst you are busy at work/doing your hobbies
… with plenty of rooms for if she needs a paid carer (as above)
… with plenty of rooms for her grandchildren to stay, whilst you are busy...

Might just make her think…

You CANNOT dictate where anyone moves to, much less your own mother! Also, moving to be near to her daughter is not “stealing your life” ffs.
Very, very strange reaction. She’s your mum not an acquaintance who’s copying you!

Say no?! OP doesn’t get to control who moves anywhere! Her DM doesn’t require OP’s permission ffs

If OP's Mum wants to come with her to everything she does, hobby's, shopping etc...then yeah OP gets to say no. Her Mum can move to the village, but the OP isn't under any obligation to take her to her hobby's and volunteer jobs. She gets to set boundaries.

The OP can say No to taking her shopping.
She can’t say No if her mum wants to join the same hobby than her. Or join the same volunteering organisation. And as the village is small, it’s likely that she would anyway?
And then what is the OP supposed to do? Ignore her? Stop her hobbies?

I don't want her to feel lonely or sad.

She clearly is already - where she is - and its of her own making but she hasnt joined the dots yet. This move will make you sad and lonely as she alienates you from all the community you have built up.

Just be clear in your head that this will not ever happen.

YOUR issue is not wanting her to feel lonely or sad - she has no issues impacting the feelings of others in a negative way. I am glad you can see her for what she is - but you must be resolute and if she falls out wuth you - then so be it.

YOU are vulnerable to inadvertently accomodating her (I assume) undiagnosed PD - because you are giving emotional credibilty to her demands and you are I suspect cowed by her volatility. You are mired in FOG (fear, obligation guilt) which means you take decisions to accomodate others well-being above your own. This is always the wrong decision of any 3 of those is the motivation. Your DM doesnt operate this way.

Her MH will decline - a move will accelerate this and her extreme and unhealthy paranoid obsessions will escalate with age. Sounds like she is well down that track. Read up on what happens to the MH of people with PDs in older age.

Focus your efforts on getting professional help to put in more distance from this emotional dangerous character. Have a read of these sites:

https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

https://outofthefog.website/

You need to review and renew your boundaries as your DM enters this chapter in her emotional state.

My grandmother did this to my mum, but without the personality issues. DGM always felt a bit resentful that she was always seen in the village as DM's mum rather than a person in her own right. Could you frame it like that, that she'll regret losing her own identity if she moves somewhere where you have deep roots and she doesn't?

She can tell her that she doesn't want her to move to her village and that if she does, she won't be visiting her or taking her with her to her hobbies or meet ups with her friends.

Of course, her mum can ignore her and move into her village anyway but OP is under no obligation to see her mum any more than she does now.

Her mum sounds like a horrible person who will drive all OP's friends away.

Agree - she wont be stealing Ops life - she wil be trashing it.

I suspect she is envious and wants what you have painstakingly built up - but thats not possible (as evidenced by her behaviours witnessed over a life time).

She is so entitled and unboundaried. She expects you to be at her beck and call, lift and carry her everywhere, then entertain and facilitate a social life for her. Then you will be her carer - managing all her appointments and needs and the maintainence of a ridiculous 6 bed house (suspect she will want you to move in at sometime to give her 24/7 attention) which no doubt has a substantial garden.

No. No. No. She has the skin of a rhino - be harsh and blunt and tell her No on rinse and repeat and then tell her you wont be engaing in any converstaion on this matter again and if she brings it up - you will end the phone call or walk calmly out the door.

DH and I encouraged my DM to move to the town where we live after DF died. But she has made her own friends, and until her health started to deteriorate has been pretty much independent. But being there for her was part of the reason we wanted her to move, rather than traipsing across the country which we had to do when DF was dying.

However, if she was like OP describes her DM we wouldn't have encouraged her to move!

Gosh, I would stress so much over this and everyone here who has advised just to tell her your issues, pretty bluntly are right.

You can explain in person if you want to, but my suggestion would be to email her. This also means that you have evidence of what was said. If she's as self interested as you say, she'll deny that you said what you said!

I have been reminded of a conversation I had with a friend (loose term - we've not spoken in years) about 6 years ago, when our DC were both in their final year of school. She said that when her DD marries, she and her DH will either buy land or a house next to them and build or build an annexe onto DDs house. I asked her "what if DD or SIL don't want that" and she looked at me in incredulity. Apparently she'd never thought about that issue, because it wasn't one...she WOULD be living next to her DD and family into her later life.
This person would tell me of her very LC/NC with her appalling parents (mainly mother) who was just awful and sadly, she was to all intents and purposes, doing exactly the same things to her DD also. She was well known at the school for basically trying to bully the teachers/Senior Team into doing what she wanted, would micromanage all things concerned with her DDs life, including trying to get me to get my DS to ask out her DD on a date....it was unreal sometimes. She was thoroughly unpleasant and I gave up the pretence after our DC left school.

If your mother is anything like this, you'll have to be crystal clear in what you mean and leave absolutely no wiggle room. Good luck!

Tell her not to rush into buying anything because you're actually thinking of moving yourself. Then in a few months say ah shame place you were looking at fell through, but it's made you think that you need to future plan for your own retirement and as much as you love living where you do it will be completely impractical when you're older, so you've decided you are definitely going to move within the next 3 years.

She won't want to move for a short term only to be alone in a different place without any transport options. Then if she asks in 3 years just say something like 'Yep we're looking into it' every so often throw in 'Went to view a house the other day but it's just not what we wanted.'

God yes have firm boundaries on this. I would not fancy my mother 24/7 it sounds like you would always be on call to her.. I would hate this

Did you read the part about the OPs mother expecting to join the same hobbies and volunteer at the same place?

OP you’re going to have to leave her to her own devices when she comes to look at this property - do not pick her up, have her to stay, ferry her to & from the viewing etc. That will be really hard but your work & family commitments come first & I think from the outset you need to be opposed to her plan. Problem is she sounds like the more you oppose her possibly the more entrenched she’ll become in her mindset. Do you think she has notions of you moving into (with your family) this 6 bed house?? Do not let her manipulate you with inheritance talk etc too. Of course she’s your mum & ordinarily you would be facilitating her in her wishes but this situation is very different. She’s intrusive & completely ignored boundaries & is expecting OP to provide a life, a social life & a reason for living & that’s completely unacceptable. Good luck OP this sounds like it’s going to be difficult.

Charming.

And be prepared to head off 'oh that's ok I will just move wherever you move' which was the answer I got to this one!

I can understand this. (I have similar in that our now adult DC with learning disabilities wants to come to everything I am a member of).

Can you research things she might do by herself- like pensioners groups and/or things you don't like doing?

Perhaps she could spend a few weeks with you to check out living in the area before committing to a house move. I'd make it very clear that she has to make her own place in the village and develop her own friendship. I would certainly not threaten to leave the area if she does move closer., seems a silly thing to do, especially as you are happy there. As she she's, you may find it easier to deal with things if she is closer. I cannot believe some of the comments here about avoiding caring responsibilities. When did we become this uncaring society, or is just on Mumsnet?

It's difficult for you with an active filled life. I see that you say your Mum can be rude and judgemental but is likely to be lonely. Perhaps you can impress upon her that if she does move, you will continue with your life. Perhaps you could suggest something that is more for her interests and offer to introduce her. Also meanwhile let your social groups know this might happen and tell them that she can be a challenge. People now know you well and will realise you are not like your mum. Good luck. We all grow old and need some compassion.

yeah, bollox to it being "her turn" absolutely bollox

This is the response I would give!! Not nasty or harsh but gets the point across.