She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

I had to have this conversation with my Mum. She wanted to move 150 miles to my (very small) village.

I said no straight off the bat. A couple of miles away in the next town (with better facilities and a better chance of a social life for her), fine, but not on my doorstep. It felt totally intrusive.

Be on board with the house viewing, show enthusiasm and some willingness.

Then mention the distance to the hospital, the pavements, the need to drive etc - steer her to change her mind.

Tell her your job now requires you to be in the office/you can’t have visitors at home if you’re working. Your hobbies don’t allow for mums to join, you can say what you need to say gently but make sure you do otherwise it’ll be awful.

This. My mother is the same generation as the op’s mother and will only listen and agree with the male members of the family. The females don’t count.

Say you’re planning on moving…..I’d be moving to Australia if this happened!!!

Wow this thread has developed quite a few facets.

I am a firm believer in everyone making early self-reliant appropriate plans for their old age ie finding suitable accommodation in places with access to essential facilities and services. That way family and friends can still help you out, but their assistance will be the icing on the cake on top of all the basics being in place.

I have too many relatives and friends whose lives are being made an absolute misery by parents who refuse to move from houses which are too big, have stairs etc, refuse to contemplate hiring carers/gardeners/cleaners etc and guilt their children to take over all the responsibility for doing everything. I'm not saying that we shouldn't help aged parents with chores but there does need to be some sort of balance so people can retain their own lives and sanity.

My parents upped sticks and moved a long way away when I was in my early 20s. Around 30 years later we (I and DH), and my parents both moved and they ended up being about 30 miles away from us. I found this difficult even though I didn't have a bad relationship with them. The adjustment to regular rather than occasional visiting and having them drop in unannounced drove me nuts for a while.

When my dad became terminally ill I and DH did help with gardening (as well as all sorts of other stuff) but after he died I insisted mum got someone in to help because it wasn't sustainable for us long term to manage her very large garden. We do drive her around to appointments/visits, take her shopping/to lunch, do small diy/gardening tasks, take stuff to the tip for her, help with paperwork etc.

The main problem is mum is very lonely. But this is something I can only fix so far without moving in/seeing her every other day which just wouldn't work at all for me. As I am self employed I take my mum to some work events near her (and stay over with her). Works really well for us both, she gets a weekend out chatting to lots of people and browsing round nice venues and artwork, and I don't have to do so much driving to do, plus can nip to the loo without worrying about losing a sale/having stuff pinched.

The OP's situation sounds upsetting. Managing a difficult parent is tough enough, especially at very close proximity, but barging into all areas of your life would be a hard no for me. I would suggest having a frank conversation with her face to face to ask her why she is considering moving right next to you and joining all your activities. And then try to manage her expectations about living in a very rural location, plus stress your limited available time to be with her or the unreasonableness and downsides of trying to share all your social life and hobbies. You could suggest a nearby town (or towns) and list out all the amenities/advantages there. If she still insists on moving to the village I'd pre-warn close friends that she is a bit of a nightmare. You might have a difficult couple of months but it sounds like she'll burn bridges all on her own and drop out of most things anyway. Or maybe she'll make a friend or two who share her views and be happy doing some stuff away from you.

Do you have to include her in on everything you do if she does move closer to you? Do you feel like she walks all over you? If so you need to be stronger and tell her she won't be coming to everything you do. You're not beholdent to her and nor should you be a walkover/bullied/pushed into including her. If she moves close, keep her to being with her or visiting her one day a week. Hopefully she can't drive so she can't just appear. Also, don't tell her where you go or where you do said hobbies. Sorry, but you need to grow a bit of a back bone.

Being rude doesn't help, that's for sure.

I'm so sorry for you, my narc mother attempted this shit back in the mid 90s (I was mid 20s at the time, she was late 50s).

Like your mother, she thought she could glom on to my life...even to the point she thought we could live together - Six months previously I'd moved 13 thousand fucking miles to get away from her, from one side of the planet to the other...it just wasn't going to happen! Unfortunately she followed me...

She wouldn't take NO for a fucking answer and even moved into the same block of flats...on the same sodding floor. I'd just started dating my ex husband at the time and I made damn sure to be so busy I just wasn't available for her most of the time. After 18 long months she finally saw sense and went back to Australia - she was receiving a disability pension from there and it was being decimated due to the poor exchange rate/and her non-residency. 30 years later and I'm still thankful for that every day!

A major difference is that I have two brothers, but of course my mother is a major misogynist and as the only girl I was expected to be her main emotional support.

I'd tell your mother that due to your/your husband's employment there is a good chance you will have to move in the 'near' future.

No it isn't. It's a perfectly valid and proportionate reaction for someone who has a difficult mother and who values their space and privacy.

OP you just need to tell your mother no. Say she can move nearer if she likes, you'll visit weekly or whatever, but there's no way you are going to. become responsible for ferrying her everywhere and providing her with company and entertainment on tap.

My mother moved nearer to me recently for similar reasons, but not so near that it's suffocating and she's pretty low maintenance. I'm too busy with work to see her all the time anyway so I see her for a cuppa every 7 days or so and that's it. I'm there for emergencies but there is no expectation that she will piggy back onto my life. I made it clear that she needs to work on making her own social life. I'm not there to provide it for her.

It’s one thing for mum to move nearby but not to your village and definitely not encroaching on your friends and hobbies. You need to have a frank discussion asap explaining why this wouldn’t work for you, nip this one in the bud!

You do know that it doesn't actually work like that? OP's mum chose to have a child so it was her legal responsibility to look after her. OP has no such responsibility to look after her mum.

If her mum had been a kind and loving parent and a decent human being, OP would probably be much less horrified about her mum's proposal but if OP's mum was a decent human being, she would probably have friends and other people to socialise with and help her and wouldn't need to move.

She is reaping what she has sown.

Ps …..the we could be moving soon ourselves is a good excuse to use.

You're going to have to come down harshly on her and stick to it. sounds cruel, is kinder in the long run.

"Mum, I don't want you to come and live near to me."

"Just to be clear, I won't be taking on facilitating your life if you move to be near to me. I'm sorry mum but it's just not how I want to live my life. I can't stop you from moving anywhere you like but if you move to live near me I will NOT be taking you shopping, running you to do the doctors, taking you to my social life or facilitating your life in any way. Starting with the fact that you will need to facilitate your own accommodation and transport when you view houses.

"Mum it is insane for you to live here at your time of life. The nearest hospital is a 35 minute drive away and you hate driving, and I am not going to be your taxi service when you start needing that sort of thing. You need to live somewhere less isolated, on a good bus route, somewhere I can visit you but you aren't relying on me. How about (insert names of a few towns up to 45 mins away)"

op, this will ruin your life

You have to be blunt.

You have to say 'I moved here because I didn't want to live so close to you. If you move here I will move away again.

This sounds awful and tricky

Could you gently steer her towards a flat in some sort of retired complex, near to buy not in your village or preferably the closest town.

Sell it as lots of new friends to make, hobbies to have, no maintenance, little chores, lots of amenities, she won't have to drive and she'll have you nearby

"Mum it is insane for you to live here at your time of life. The nearest hospital is a 35 minute drive away and you hate driving, and I am not going to be your taxi service when you start needing that sort of thing. You need to live somewhere less isolated, on a good bus route, somewhere I can visit you but you aren't relying on me. How about (insert names of a few towns up to 45 mins away)"

This is really your best bet.

Memorise it and repeat as necessary every single time she mentions it.

Do you not go out to work, OpenThatWindow?

Have a good talk to your mother and tell her you don't want her invading your space, if she moves near to you. you will obviously see more of her and perhaps go shopping with her sometimes but she'll have to make her own friends and carve out her own life.

OP says that she works from home and her mum wouldn't respect that and would expect her to run errands for her during her working hours.

"It won't be fine mum, because it's not what I want. You moving here does not work for me"

Will she be upset and/or offended? Oh yes. But what's the alternative?

You're bound to feel a bit guilty and selfish - but quite frankly your mum is being the selfish one here.

Yes, you're right. I have now re-read her posts.

Op has to set boundaries, work time is work time, she is not available. Don't give mother a key.

Mum is putting forward a very difficult proposal. However it hasn't happened yet, it may not. Let's hope. A frank talk is necessary.

That sounds sensible.

Have you posted about this before? It's very familiar

Sounds like she’s looking for a carer…

why not tell her your office has given you a promotion that you need to be physically present for and so you and DH are moving

put your house up for sale … this will delay her , and it could always fall through /be delayed by a few months (time & time again)

I suggest this as I don’t think she sounds the type to listen to a straightforward no!

let this charade carry on for a few years and she may give up…

can you suggest she looks for a property near your HQ and then just never move yourself?

I had to have this conversation with my Mum. She wanted to move 150 miles to my (very small) village.
I said no straight off the bat. A couple of miles away in the next town (with better facilities and a better chance of a social life for her), fine, but not on my doorstep. It felt totally intrusive.

Same here. My mum moved out of a tiny village where she needed to drive to absolutely everything, to a nice market town within walking distance of amenities (not that she ever walks, but she could if she had to and that's the main thing.) There is plenty going on socially for retired people if she wants to make the effort to join them, but if she doesn't and she's bored/lonely then she only has herself to blame. She's about 15 mins from me by car and that's close enough for me.

Being stuck somewhere too rural is no fun when you can no longer drive and are not comfortable walking somewhere where there are no proper pavements etc.