To not want to eat Chinese - help me to see if I’m being unreasonable

[Watermoves]

My partners favourite take away is Chinese. I’m not keen, I’m vegetarian (raised this way) and just find its bland and boring. I have eaten Chinese but I don’t really like it.

Therefore we often have Indian, Mexican, pizza etc if we have a takeaway all of which he also really likes. I often offer to get him a Chinese or suggest he gets one if I’m working late etc but he always says no.

it come to a head tonight as he wanted a Chinese take away and I didn’t fancy it but suggested I would get something else. He said it’s not the same eating a takeaway alone. I kinda get that, but I would have got myself an Indian. (We would be eating at the table together just different food)

He basically said I should suck it up and eat the Chinese food every so often for him? My rationale is that I shouldn’t have to eat what I don’t want or like?

who is being unreasonable?

Suspect he just wants her to eat it once in a while without huffing and puffing and deliberately spoiling the experience for him.

That's so weird, why do you have to like the same as him?

Your solution of two different take aways seems fine to me.

Or find a new Chinese that does a good vegan curry.

That’s Japanese, and not very many vegetarian dishes there.

OP: stick to your guns if your local Chinese is poor. But keep an eye out for better places… tofu and seitan came from China, and vegetarian food is very much more normalised there. The ‘Chinese’ food we get here is very often sanitised /processed versions of the punchy fresh flavours that are actually eaten in China.

I agree with him that it is much nicer to share a takeaway like Chinese or Indian. You get to try a wider range of different dishes.

HE gets to try a wider range of dishes. OP gets to eat something she doesn’t want!

Why can’t he just order an extra dish or two and save the rest for the next day? And for those who say that would be too expensive, surely it’s false economy to order takeaway the OP doesn’t like, just so they’re both eating the same thing, when she could cook something for herself for much less - or for a couple of quid extra on delivery fees, she could have Indian and enjoy it? Plus OP’s husband could still try extra dishes; they just wouldn’t be Chinese dishes.

I would avoid anything with tofu.
But surely other choices? Egg fried rice with bean sprouts and water chestnuts for crunch maybe?
Hot and spicy soup?

I do understand what he means about it being a shared experience.

Why though? Why is a takeaway only a special experience if you’re sharing it with a spouse - and in this case, forcing it on a spouse who doesn’t like it?

It’s a takeaway. They’re not actually walking the Great Wall together to reach the bloody restaurant.

You know what would spoil a culinary experience more than a bit of huffing and puffing (did OP mention huffing or puffing, not sure?)

Watching someone I like eating something they don't like, for my benefit. Where's the enjoyment in that? There are many ways round this, but OP eating food she doesn't like for her husband's enjoyment isn't one of them, surely.

Can I ask why you do 90% of the cooking? And why you never cook meat/fish for partner? Did the always cooking veggie thing arise before you partnered up? I mean I know this is going off track and nothing to do with him exopecting you to eat chinese takeaway but I know that the never cooking meat thing can be an issue in veggie with non veggie relationships and maybe its a bit of a power struggle "I always have to eat what you want, why do you never want to eat what i want?"

What compromises is he making?

They order takeaways that he likes, he just doesn’t want to. He can order Chinese whilst the OP orders Mexican - the social part of eating is sitting down and eating together. The OP isn’t going to be sharing his dishes of chicken balls or lamb biriani whether they have the same meals or different.

He is whining about compromising “all the time” is because the OP is cooking the bulk of his food for him. She is even willing to compromise by adding meat to his dishes.

He could do more of the cooking if he isn’t happy with it.

I think the point is that if you're a Vegetarian, you're going to cook food that doesn't contain meat products, whether or not you've got a partner. Her partner is free to swing in and cook more, or as she's said, add meat to his meals. He chooses not to.

This is not a power struggle, why would it be, and the answer to the "I always have to eat what you want, why do you never want to eat what I want?" is that, OP is a Vegetarian who doesn't like Chinese takeaways.

It's really not that deep.

How does he cope if they go for a pub meal with friends and some are ordering pizzas, some burgers, some a salad etc.? Does he sit there sadly, bottom lip quivering, murmuring “But I wanted all of us to have a burger 😢😢”?

@LadyLucyWellsshe is a veggie

Not only that, he wants them to be excited about having a burger

He still has the hump this morning as he is now mourning the loss of a chicken ball 🙄 he isn’t usually odd and has kind of got on his high horse of ‘I compromise what I eat all the time for you’ mainly because I do 90% of the cooking and I cook vegetarian food. But I never mind if he wants to add meat to a dish I make or cook something else.

Tell the lazy arse to cook his own meat.

I don't understand why you can't both have different takeaways. But also I don't understand why the Chinese restaurant you use only has bland chinese food. Good Chinese food isn't bland.

But yet again, no one is stopping OP’s husband having Chinese. He can have it as often as he likes. The issue is he’s trying to force the OP into having it with him - and wants her to be pleased about it!

Why can’t he just order enough for two days to make it worth it the cost? Why does OP have to eat it too? And more importantly, why does his enjoyment depend on her NOT enjoying her food?

We don't know how the housework is shared out. If the partner could cook but doesn't, its one thing, if the way that the househild runs means that the partner realistically couldn't cook often that's different....and all vegetarians aren't the same. Some will cook meat/fish for others but not eat it themselves, some can't bring themselves to touch it and refuse to cook it. I could imagine too that "vegetarian food with meat added" would not be the same as a meat/fish meal.

Do they do curries, OP?

i have mushroom curry from our Chinese and it’s delicious,

Think I’m one of the minority on here but I am siding more with your partner on this one. You’ve said Chinese is his favourite and yet he hardly ever has it because you don’t like it which is respectful of your wishes. You also do most of the cooking and obviously only cook vegetarian food.

I think a compromise is fair and you should just have a Chinese every so often. How would you feel if he refused or kicked up a fuss everytime you wanted to eat an Indian/your favourite takeaway?

Part of being in a relationship is about compromising with each other. Yes he could get a Chinese and you could get a Indian, yes he could cook his own meat at dinner time, but I wouldn’t want to eat or cook a completely separate meal from my husband every single night.

My best friend is vegetarian but she still cooks meat for her husband in a seperate pan, she just doesn’t put it on her plate.

Or you could just choose what you want in the first place?

I think a compromise is fair and you should just have a Chinese every so often. How would you feel if he refused or kicked up a fuss everytime you wanted to eat an Indian/your favourite takeaway?

Well given that the OP said in her opening post that she was happy to order Indian while he ordered Chinese, surely she’d be equally happy to do the same in reverse? The answer was there in plain sight if you’d just read the OP.

For us sitting down for a takeaway together is a thing we do as a couple. Complicating that with ordering from different place and food arriving at different times, meaning someone's food needs taking out of containers and left heating in the oven (drying out) so we could actually eat together would irritate me and take some of the pleasure from getting a takeaway away.

But knowing your partner hated the meal wouldn’t take the pleasure away?

Well it’s her preference. If she doesn’t like the taste, she doesn’t like the taste.

Let's presume he would find a way to eat if she moved out or went on holiday.