To choose convenience over facilities for 3 month old starting nursery?

[safetyfirst1]

FTM here and really struggling with a nursery decision for my little one who’ll be starting at 3 months. Posting here for additional traffic.

I’m self-employed so have flexibility with work schedule.

Planning 3 full days at nursery (though realistically 6 hours/day average but have to pay for the full day as the half day hours don’t suit) plus one day with grandparents weekly. The third nursery day will likely be shorter (4 hours) or sometimes skipped entirely - paying for the flexibility to get life admin sorted when needed.

Nursery 1 - The Convenient Choice

5 minutes from home, directly on route to work
£64/day
Staff seem genuinely caring with babies
Good Ofsted rating
Downsides: Converted house that needs some TLC, the nursery is also only 2 years old, limited curriculum info

Nursery 2 - The Premium Choice

Beautiful, modern facilities
Daily app updates (photos, feeding, sleep times)
Comprehensive curriculum
£85/day (affordable for us but still more expensive)
Downside: 15- 20-minute detour each way = 60 minute total extra travel daily there and back for each day he attends.

Nursery 2 is objectively better, but that’s potentially 4 hours weekly just in extra driving. We’re planning to move him to the school nursery at 2 anyway, so this is temporary.

Part of me thinks the convenience will matter more day-to-day, especially in winter, but I’m worried I’m shortchanging him by not choosing the “better” option. Then again, he’s only 3 months - does curriculum really matter at that age?

Any parents dealt with similar decisions? What would you prioritise - convenience or facilities for such a young baby?

Also, are three half days plus one day with the grandparents too much at this age?

Thanks in advance! 💙

So. all babies that are in childcare in other countries from 3 or 4 months are all damaged???

And humans haven't changed in 20 years

Go for the one closer to home.

the he should hire an office. Rather than sending your 3 month old to nursery if it’s not an absolute financial necessity

I think you should go for the nursery with the best staff, can you ask about their staff turnover? I think that's quite important to know incase the staff are leaving all the time.
My understanding is that nurseries aren't bad for babies as long as they have high quality and caring staff. (Sorry I don't have any studies but I follow an interesting woman on FB called Elena Bridges who studies hunter gatherer societies and she talks about this). A nanny or childminder might be better for consistency though.

I know lots of adults who went to full time nursery from three months old and they are completely normal with good relationships with their parents.

I’d go for whichever has staff you feel better about. At 3 months they want cuddles. My DD went to a nursery that was rough around the edges, but the people were great. They did everything they should but toys were plastic and well used whereas the other nursery was pristine wooden toys and always very tidy. In the baby room DD spent most of her time being cuddled by her key person, who loved her dearly. It was that that she needed over toy/curriculum.

For me a matter of opinion. I don’t need to read research to know that for a very young baby:

Nanny in own home = staying in baby’s own familiar home environment, where they feel safe and secure. It can be calm and quiet when needed. They get to sleep in their own crib, on a schedule that works 100% for them. One cargiver will mean familiarity and a sense of security for the baby. Mum/Dad are often wfh and can pop in regularly to see the baby and offer comfort if needed. Nanny can take the baby out for nice long walks in their buggy.

Nursery = A very loud place for a baby to be in for a 6 hour spell. One Childcarere to 3 babies. They can’t be fed on demand or nap on demand - because one Childcarer has to look after 3 babies at the same time. They will often be left to cry hungry because no-one is free to feed them quickly. They will have to nap in a shared space with other babies waking up and crying. There will be different staff each day - so the person looks different, smells different, sounds different, holds them differently, does their routine differently…… which is confusing for a tiny baby and doesn’t make them feel safe/secure. Plus the turnover for staff in nurseries is really high, they might bond with one staff who then leaves after a couple of weeks/months.

For me a matter of opinion. I don’t need to read research

You could have stopped there tbh.

A nanny wouldn’t fall asleep while feeding though as they’re not sleep deprived…they’ll leave your house in the evening and go home and get a full night’s rest.

Sorry, but agree with pp, 3 months is too young for nursery. You can site all the ‘studies’ you want - at that age common sense is screaming that such a tiny baby needs to be with their mum.

Except this is a forum for people to give their opinions. And the Op specifically asked people for their opinions 🤷🏼‍♀️

Nursery one without doubt. The less time baby spends commuting the better. Curriculum and decoration are not priority at that age, but good hygiene is.

The biggest factor by far is the individual staff and their manner and what vibe you get. I work in childcare and I have to say our baby room leader is amazing and I would trust her with my newborn in a heartbeat. But that's because she is who she is. Ask to meet the individual who will have your baby and go with a gut feeling I think.

It's hard returning to work so soon, but it will be OK if baby in good hands. Best of luck

Unfortunately Mumsnet isn't the right place to get balanced opinions about putting a baby in childcare.

Option convenient.
You are still the main care givers. You get more time with your baby in the first option.

He gets less travel time. Babies and traffic jams don't mix well.

The care seems very good in both but a very small baby doesn't need state of the art programs. He needs warmth, small groups, healthy food, familiar faces and the space to move about inside and outside..

That’s your opinion!

You have a dilemma which many of us with DC who are now 20- 25 faced, when mat leave entitlements were far less generous. My own baby started nursery full time from 8 - 6 at 4.5 months old.

We picked the small local nursery initially which we later discovered was owned by someone we knew. As a tiny baby, cuddles were more important than a curriculum.

2 years later the nursery closed unexpectedly, so we had to find another one quickly. This time we chose a brand new purpose built nursery attached to the hospital where DH worked. Opening hours were longer in case of emergency, everything was designed from a toddler's perspective and they could provide care for inset day and holidays when DC started school. It was the right time for a change.

Do I regret going back to work so soon? Not for a moment & my DC has no concerns either & would probably do the same.

And it's based on having experience living both in the UK and in another country where women aren't demonised for returning to work when their babies are still small, and the babies aren't traumatised by it. It has made me realise that many women on Mumsnet who have no lived experience beyond what is normal in the UK have strong opinions which don't really stand up to scrutiny.

Go for convenience, you can always change later but the extra time you don't have to be on the road, can be spent doing lots of other stuff that is more beneficial.

Bowlbys attachment theory

Go with the one with the best vibe around the staff. Making things look pretty means nothing if there is a high staff turn over. All a baby room needs is caring, responsive staff. Stimulation comes from cuddles and nursery rhymes, stories and time outside. They don’t need lots of flash toys.

All nurseries will follow the EYFS and it doesn’t need a curriculum for this age group other than ensuring they are interacting with them at an age appropriate level.

Every Mum I knew in the 90s worked at least part time including my own so I guess it depends. That's the problem with MN everybody has an opinion based on the their own little bubble that they live in.

I’d not worry about the best curriculum at this age.

For me - at any age - it’d be down to which one has the best staff and which feels safer. I’d ask about safe sleeping, first aid training, nappy changing policy and staff ratios and turnover, as examples.

I got PND from sleep deprivation and feel I came close to not making it out, so I totally get it. However I don't see how going back to work at 3 months would have helped. For me it would have just added to the exhaustion and pressure, and there is no way I would have been able to operate well at work or even safely get there if driving.

If you have the funds look at night doulas, a morning nanny, or morning nursery place that DH or GP can take them, GPs doing some mornings, DH (he can take half days of annual leave or request flexible working if he doesn't already have this with WFH), or a mix so you can roll over and get some much needed sleep. Then once you're no longer suffering from sleep exhaustion and PND look at extending care and going back to work.

If you need to get back to work and not doing so is adding stress then I'd look at a nanny, there are live out ones, or nursery one. Nannies come with checks and references, DH will be home when WFH, and GPs can pop in. When baby is sleeping they are often expected to do light chores but you negotiate this.

OP - I think you need to approach your HV and ask for some support with these decisions/situations rather than posting various threads on MN that invariably end up with you defending your DH. You obviously love your baby and are keen to do the best for him but you lack proper support - and are understandably struggling.

Ok I got it. You think you are allowed your opinion on your lived experience. But I’m not allowed to have my opinion based on my extensive experience of decades of working in Childcare and my degree in Early Childhood Education. Do you not see the hypocrisy?

I mean this kindly - other people are allowed different opinions to you. And they are allowed to state them, just like you are. It’s ok to have different opinions. And it’s ok for people to give their differing opinions to an op who is asking for opinions.

If all that experience is in one country where the prevailing cultural view is that women should stay at home when their children are young, then it's not that extensive tbh.

I think it's really problematic that the UK has a culture where women are effectively told that they are bad mothers if they use childcare for a baby or toddler, but they aren't actually financially supported to do that. It leads to women dropping out of the workforce and taking years to get back in (if they get back in at all) and being financially dependent on a man or impoverished as a result.

Where I live, most women say, "Well, yes, I'd like to stay at home with my baby and not work, but I need to pay my bills." If you told them they should save money before going on maternity leave so they could afford not to earn money for six months to a year or even more, they'd look at you like you'd grown another head. But women in the UK are culturally conditioned to do exactly that.

Living in a country where women doing that hasn't been normalised, I can see with my own eyes that the children are no less happy and the bonds between children and their parents are no less strong.

I do think it’s important to say that not all opinions are equal - as I teach kids in class, if someone is presenting actual research or similar as evidence vs “my dad said this therefore it’s true” there is a big difference (depending on the dad’s job, of course!).

I’m not saying anyone is necessarily falling into the second category here, but it is important to take the presentation of researched information seriously, even if it makes you feel certain things. Nursery is always going to be a difficult topic to discuss as a lot of people don’t have the option to be at home or hire a nanny as an alternative. But that doesn’t mean that research can’t suggest there are better options than daycare for babies.