Breakdown in friend group - who is right?

[Tornad]

I’m not either of these two people.

P, W and 3 others have been friend since school, almost 30 years. Now all getting married, having children, etc. Don’t live locally to one another but still close and see each other very regularly (almost always as a group or one-on-one - i.e. we would never meet up as a three or a four without everyone being invited).

W has always been high maintenance as a friend. She expects us to be there for her, get birthday presents, attend birthday events, etc. She also gives out the same energy. She will always organise gifts,I’ve heaven and earth to attend special moments and be on the end of the phone. So, she’s not a hypocrite or a taker. She just expects a lot from friendship in general.

P has always been more relaxed. Unreliable, late to things, forgets things, doesn’t respond for months at a time, didn’t hear her phone… but she’s really fun to be around. Witty, cool, energetic. But, since having her own kids, P has also become quite high maintenance. Everything is a drama, the world is ending every couple of weeks, everything revolves around her DS. She’s very “crunchy mum” and makes her opinions known on our parenting and nutrition. I’m hoping this will pass because I wouldn’t befriend her if I met her now.

Anyway. W is pregnant and being induced early. She hasn’t said but I assume this is for medical reasons. They don’t tend to induce early just for fun. The date for the induction is P’s birthday. P is furious about this. She thinks that W has done this on purpose to usurp her birthday. She has vowed to never speak to W again and says that it’s “the final straw”.

My initial thought is that P is being ridiculous but, the more I think about it, W has always made a big deal out of birthdays and now P won’t be W’s focus on her birthday, her DD/DS will be.

Who is right here?

P is being massively unreasonable! W doesn't get a liat of dates to choose for her induction!
She might not even have the baby on the same day she is being induced (I had mine the next day at night, 38hrs total, which I heard is quite common with inductions)...
Which means P still "doesn't have to share her birthday" .... I feel ridiculous just writing this, is she 5?

I’d have stopped being good friends with P a long time ago because she was t relaxed. Being late, not responding for months at a time is a shit friend. The constant dramas are something I can’t be coping with or other peoples children being the center of everything when I have my own children.
She also sounds like a judgy arsehole who can’t keep her mouth shut on other peoples parenting.

She is now being PATHETIC. My baby was induced a month early and could have died and if anyone had acted this way to me they’d have been cut off for good. Really failing to see what P adds to anyone. Why can her DS be the centre of everyone’s attention but W can’t prioritise her own child? And now they don’t induce early for no reason ffs!

The only thing I can say that I think you may have got wrong is to even give this matter any headspace/credence. It should be painfully obvious that P is out of line, and her antics should not be tolerated. The fact you need reassurance on this is a little odd tbh.

Thinking about it, P was supposed to be the laid back one and has only become high maintenance since she had a child. Is she OK? Is she suffering with PND by chance?

W is a very private person when it comes to negative things. She’s a big celebrator and cheerleader but simply doesn’t discuss negative things - she’s always been this way. I think she simply copes easier that way - so it’s not unusual that she hasn’t shared. We were absolute best friends and school and her dad passed away - and she just never spoke about it.

I would’ve reached out to her about it but, knowing her, she wouldn’t appreciate it and would’ve preferred that I didn’t raise it.

Genuine question, please don’t take offence. But how old are P and W?

38 and 39

OP, is it possible that P and the other friend now seemingly ignoring you have found out that W was able to choose her induction date and so she has done this deliberately? (Unlikely, I know, and as pps have pointed out, it still doesn't mean W will give birth on the date she's induced). Have you asked P why she thinks W has any control over her induction date?

DS was induced on my birthday ,induction was started 6.30am monday morning he arrived Wednesday night at 10.40.

Thank you.

I appreciate you giving an answer. I probably should have had more faith in my original opinion and not second-guessed myself. Having said that, I don’t think that second-guessing myself deserves the vitriol I’ve received on here. And I still can’t see anything W has done wrong.

I don’t know if P is suffering. She’s become extremely difficult in a lot of ways but I think it’s not entirely post-DC. She has been more judgmental over the few years leading up to that too. Her DS is 4 now so it would be a long time, but not impossible by a long stretch. She is definitely struggling in a lot of ways but I don’t know if this is related to that.

For people of this age you’d think that birthdays would be celebrated with their families first? Friends then would find another day to celebrate together and a fuss could be made of them?

Is P a narcissist? (I’m no way knowledgeable in the topic but from the sounds of it, it’s all about her… and she doesn’t care about you or W). It’s all over something trivial. You also said you wouldn’t be friends with her if you met her now.

Does she bring anything into your life except for drama? Does she genuinely let care about you or go out of her way for you?

W has done nothing wrong so posters can’t tell you she has. But good for her if she is prioritising her own baby and tbh it sounds like P is a user who was using her to sort her birthday all these years when she’s actually a twat herself. I’d be done with P and the one now ignoring you.

You are right to think P is wrong.

I actually feel very sorry for W. All this energy she put all these years for everyone, she was the life of the group it seems and now has to deal with this lunacy. I wouldn’t drop her and I hope people don’t mean that when they say stay away from the drama. For what is worth if P is a malignant narcissist she doesn’t care if she will be alone now from now on. She doesn’t like you anymore anyway if she has given you only a bit attention over the years and only took pride of herself and became more vocal or gained a personality through motherhood (in a maybe wrong way) with preaching and such. She probably was already ready to drop all of you. She just wanted to create some drone in her exiting the scene, throwing some poison like a spider who then is going to “die”. She probably knows there’s no coming back for the friendship group but she would enjoy if you and the other 3 drop W too, because “you wanted to stay out of the drama”.

Her main source of insecurities and self pitifulness was always probably W, maybe that’s why she wasn’t around much and in and out of the friendship. She can’t stand that W is truly caring. W is probably the glue that holds it together for very long time and P wanted to go down and take you with her (even if you distanced from her too).

I had a similar thing happened with a P in my life, her relationship with X, Y, Z, Omega ( as you and the other 3) was already stretched and she was full of complaints and demands. She then said and expressed a demand and expectation about me that was unreasonable. So the first two didn’t really turned her down and gave her some thought. Then one learned my side and turned her down and started to get unhinged. The 3rd knew from the start the whole story and stopped her. She literally said to her to “f off” and shut the phone on her. The 4th one showed in his own way his big disapproval of what she had complained about me and the way she had done it too (with passive aggressive messages) but she kind of scared of him and zipped it with him.

So many months later and I’m still hurt not only how she threw her poison (which only made her relationship with the others worse too) but mostly because the first person gave her some space even though what she had said and demanded was unhinged, and took me a lot of time to prove my point and even show the passive aggressive messages. It’s the person I always had a soft spot and being very generous with them but in turn they have a soft spot for the P in our lives. She doesn have a thing about the birthdays especially her children’s birthdays, in one occasion her behaviour became traumatic for anyone present (shouted and caused a scene).

I might take a wild guess here, but OP do you have a soft spot for P although she’s totally in the wrong and even have some sort of resentment towards W that doesn’t help you to be objective right now?

That was my first experience anyway in a similar drama.

It’s possible. I haven’t said with the backlash on this thread but my baby was induced early and I was given a choice of dates (albeit it was a choice between three consecutive days).

I would’ve thought that, if that were the case, she’d have said that in response to me saying that I don’t think she can choose when she has her baby. It would’ve been a slam-dunk response from her and would make more sense than silence.

And the woman thinking this is almost 40 years old? She needs to get a serious grip. Imagine going through life with this level of entitlement. Astounding.

P sounds absolutely batshit!

I’m sorry you went through that.

I have soft spots for both P and W. To be honest, P was more of the life of the group. She’s very witty, laughs a lot, high energy. She makes rooms fun to be in. W is an organiser. She made sure no one was forgotten and would do thoughtful, considered things. She would also be very demanding of those thoughtful things from others (i.e. she’d remember to buy a card if someone was starting a new job but would make clear that she’s expecting cards from us all if she started her new job). They both add huge joy to my life - but P has changed a lot in recent years and brings less joy now. W hasn’t changed a bit!

I don’t have any resentment towards either of them.

P is an absolute loon.

P is a total knob and you know that. However likely the induction will take a couple of days, which won’t give them the same birthday, but should give you all a bit of time to grow up.

So, it seems then that P is now blanking you simply because you gently gave her reasons why W has done nothing wrong and she's annoyed you don't agree with her. If I were you OP, I wouldn't get drawn into any further discussion with P about it unless she's given it some thought and realised she was being unreasonable. As for the other friend who also appears to be ignoring you, I would send her one last text along the lines of "Is everything OK? We were discussing the festival arrangements, but I haven't heard back from you." If you don't hear back then don't contact her again. Eventually what she's thinking will be revealed to you, one way or another, and then you can point out that you did nothing wrong and certainly nothing which warranted her blanking you.
ETA And keep supporting W as neither she or you have done anything wrong in this friendship group.

You’re all being absolutely ridiculous tbh. They have no choice on induction dates and the doctors are obviously doing it for the safety of the baby! Absolutely pathetic if they are falling out over it. And it is highly unlikely they will actually be born on the same day she’s induced

Wow! P is awful. So are some of the people posting on this thread it seems.

OP you have not gone mad, though I understand second guessing yourself in this situation. I’d drop P and throw my energy into supporting W. You haven’t said much about the other friend who’s ignoring you. I’d be careful of saying too much to any of this friend group about the situation at all. You could end up with P and W making up and the whole group deciding you’re the problem. People are weird. Ignore P. Stop chasing the other friend if they’re not responding. Try to stay in touch with the other 2 without commenting on the situation.

I know mumsnet hates jumping to diagnosing neurodivergence but P sounds like she might have adhd - chronically disorganised and is now having a bout of rejection sensitive dysphoria perhaps? Would also make sense of why she struggles to 'read the room' re parenting chat. It definitely sounds like she's struggling mentally since becoming a mum. This isn't an excuse though. I feel for W and I agree she needs you to keep standing up for her, that's it's fine for her to get induced in any date and her baby arriving safely is infinitely more important than a grown woman's birthday

To be fair to the OP I could see myself getting arsey and defensive if I felt like I was being attacked by some of the cunty replies the OP is getting and then being made out like I’m the one with the problem just because I’m getting pissed off with it.

I hope the baby is born on her birthday btw because this whole situation would piss me off

Your OP is written in an unclear way. You give both opinions -that you think P is wrong but also that now you are changing your mind and think P is right. It makes it hard to figure out how to vote.

Either way, P is bonkers and you are maybe a bit too inclined to give in to peer pressure? (Obviously hard to tell from posts on Mumsnet, but maybe something to consider). I hope W and baby are ok.