Friend pissed off I didn’t eat all of the dinner she made me

[HattieD]

Can I ask if you think I was unreasonable? We (my husband and I) had a dinner at my friends (and her husbands) house on Saturday. They weren’t free in the day, so prior to this, we went to an event at a local pub. This was from 2-5, and they had a free BBQ which we had a bite to eat from.

We’d told our friends about the event and the free BBQ being an added bonus. Dinner was served about 6.30 (earlier than we’d usually eat but no issue) and our friend had made a lovely but substantial meal. I gave it a good go, and probably ate about 70% of it, with DH eating slightly more of his.

On Sunday, my friend messaged to say she thought it was rude we ate at the pub and that we left ‘so much’ of our dinner. I reiterated how much we enjoyed the food and said that it was a very generous portion.

I just think that if we hadn’t mentioned the BBQ, she’d have been none the wiser and probably wouldn’t have said anything about the decent amount of food we ate?

I actually think it was rude of her to mention it! You ate most of it. And I wouldn't have thought it would have been an issue mentioning the BBQ either because I would have classed that as lunch and then her dinner for, well dinner.

I can’t imagine serving dinner at 6.30 if I’d invited guests round, but as you said that you would usually expect to eat at the friends’ house at 7pm then I think it was very rude of you to have eaten in the pub beforehand.

well, thats' why I was describing trains, shops, schools.. places with people still working.

I am not making things up or pretending that everyone is doing what I do, but when people are still out and about, or just working, it's obvious they can't be in 2 places at once.

What evidence have you got that everyone is having diner at 5pm if you are the only one to be right?

and why are you so offended when I say that most people eat later anyway?😂

I think you both were quite rude and unreasonable.
I think it was rude of you to tell your friend that you'd been to a pub barbecue before going to hers, and also silly of you to eat a burger a couple of hours before going to hers.
Eating at half 6 when you've invited people for a meal seems very early to me but you knew you'd be eating early at hers so should have planned to be hungry for that time.
I'd never plate up for guests, I serve at the table and ask them what size portion they'd like.
I consider it really rude to make a comment on how much of a meal someone has eaten, unless they're a child. I wouldn't dream of criticising someone for not eating all of their dinner!

You don't feed primary age children until 8pm? And everyone you know is at the doctors every night at 6.30pm? Or is it that everyone you know works at a doctors surgery until 6.30pm? I'm not following.

Restaurants open for dinner from 5pm onwards which would make you think any time after that is a reasonable time. Personal choices are just that. Your life, your working hours or your child's after school clubs are your eating pattern, not all of the 'real world'.

People are hungry and eat at different times, have different shifts and different responsibilities. This was a dinner she ate most of and God forbid she had a burger in the afternoon.

Wow these replies are odd. How is it rude to eat lunch when you're going to round to someone's for dinner.

Then again a burger at 2.45 would have no impact on how much I ate at dinner and I wouldn't even think to mention it

Like bloody hell did you eat a burger in 2/3 bites! Even a kids burger is bigger than that.

You are unreasonable to tell your friend about the BBQ - the fact you mentioned it means it was more than your normal lunch which is fine just don’t bloody tell them when they been slaving away over a stove for you.

I wouldn’t go to someone’s for dinner and expect to eat straight away. Especially if people are drinking.
Id iust tell her you ate something small, if you’d eaten nothing you sfill can’t eat that much in one sitting.
It’s rude of her to comment. What if you hadn’t liked it and forced 70% of it down you did well.

he's a grown up, its his choice.

I can eat a mac burger (99p one) in three bites

It wasn’t about that you couldn’t finish it, it was that she perceived the situation as you decided to go to a late afternoon bbq before going to hers for dinner that was already planned, it is considered rude and I can see why she’s upset.

On one hand, I think it's normal to leave some food behind and while I prefer self-serve, if plating up I think it's more polite to give a bigger portion with the assumption they'll just stop when they're full. If someone finished it all I'd worry they were still hungry. So in that regard if 70% is a good estimate then I would think that reasonable.

I prefer not to be absolutely starving on arrival as I get hangry and struggle to enjoy the pre-dinner chat so I don't agree you should fast for most of the day.

However, I think you may have been rude if you were a lot less enthusiastic than you would normally have been because you weren't as hungry. I think it would be interesting to hear this story from your friend's side. I have noticed guest etiquette seems to have changed in recent years. E.g. much more often people decline drinks, biscuits etc. (And no not just at my house so it's not a 'me' thing - I see it at other people's too).

I recently hosted an extended family member and his early teens daughter. I knew him pretty well growing up but now only at a 'weddings and funeral' level. Upon arrival, they refused all refreshments and both of them just sipped from the single-use plastic water bottles they'd been nursing all day while travelling. They also kept their coats on. It was awkward and it felt like they were popping in for a minute to grab something rather than staying for the weekend.

Now obviously I don't want them to force themselves to eat something they don't want to, but there's something about the social ritual of putting the kettle on, getting the biscuits out etc or serving up a dinner that really helps with bonding. The host gets to make the guest feel welcome and the guest gets to show appreciation. Launching into a conversation comes much more naturally after popping a cuppa in front of someone, getting comfy and doing the "thank god we're here now . We thought we'd never get off the motorway" exchange.

We took the guests out for dinner (which we'd already agreed beforehand) and the daughter had nothing and the adult had a single side (imagine a single piece of garlic bread sized side). Eating our full meals felt uncomfortable. This is when they told us they'd stopped to get something to eat right before arriving at ours. That did feel rude.

So I don't know. 70% sounds reasonable but it really depends on your general demeanour while there. If you were visibly struggling to get it down, obviously disinterested, or just picked at bits of it, I'd be offended too.

Hungry guests tend to be better guests.

If l invite someone over for dinner, l plan a menu, spend money and really try and do a nice meal.
Would feel quite hurt if they chose to eat beforehand, and an insult to my hospitality.

eat what ever and how ever much you want. how dare she comment on the amount of food you ate? she is mos def not your friend.

That’s disgusting. You should consider that.

I think it’s very poor manners to invite someone to your home for a meal and then later send a message criticising them for anything they did or didn’t do during that meal.

The appropriate response would be to never invite them back - and, depending on their transgression, back away partially or completely.

I also think it’s very poor manners to eat before you arrive at a dinner party where the hosts have laboured to prepare a lovely meal for you and any other guests - therefore left you picking at your food

What a batshit thread, people getting all angsty cos the OP ate lunch then didn't eat all her dinner like a good girl

I'd of ate lunch at the BBQ too if it was all I'd be eating since breakfast, no way I'd be waiting until my tea. For me if a big portion of food is put in front of me it doesn't matter whether I was starving or not, I'd eat about the same. And a decent freind wouldn't make comment on it either

Oh and I get home from work just before 5 and I'll eat anywhere from 5.30 to around 7pm. 7.30 would be very late for me. Hope this doesn't offended anyone

Haha! Yeah fucking consider that you dirty pig! Think on your sins!

😂😂😂

Yes, I get that. Everything’s a choice. I just happen to feel that this particular choice is selfish and thoughtless. I’ve explained that I think there are just different attitudes to these things and your attitude is like his, clearly. There’s no point is arguing who is right because we have fundamentally different views.

Nope I could too, but this is MN where competitive under eating is practically law.

I normally have my lunch at 1pm ish and tea at 5pm ish. Same time difference really.

I’m with you OP, I think the only thing you did wrong was to tell her!!

YANBU because you used proper grammar!!! We (my husband and I) had a dinner…
So I am a little bit in love with you! I’m so sick of poor grammar (“me and DH went to a party”! Eurgh)

but I digress….

You can eat what you like. Not like you ate at 5pm. Your friend is being U

What if it's a massive portion, much more than you'd usually eat, and they didn't allow you to choose your portion size?

I think someone eating 70% of what someone has made for them is perfectly acceptable. No-one is required to clear their plates.

Tbh I hate when people plate up food for me and never feel I need to eat it all.
Your friend is mad and controling.

Even my toddlers can decide what they want from the tablle and how much of it.

😆😆😆