DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

How would you feel if he eventually left you for a younger woman in, say, ten years' time?
This happened to someone I know — her DH was a successful business owner, they were high school sweethearts, had two DC, glamorous holidays, the whole “true love” story. But he cheated. Repeatedly. Flings with employees, that sort of thing. She always forgave him.
Then, once the DC were off at uni, he left her for the latest one — 20 years younger, obviously. Even then, my friend didn’t want to call time on it. She’d spent so long turning a blind eye to his affairs that it didn’t occur to her that he might decide he was done — that he didn’t want her to ignore it this time, because he was ready to upgrade to the next semi-permanent model.

Just saying…don't waste your loyalty on someone who has been shown to be disloyal: cheating is the opposite of being loyal and faithful.

If you decide to stay, it's your decision but at least go into it with your eyes open. He's had a fling before and you forgave him. Now it's happened again and if you forgive him, you must know that there's a fair possibility of it happening again. Some women turn a blind eye to their husband's infidelity for financial security and to keep their family together. If that's something you feel you can do, then by all means stay and hope that he doesn't meet someone he'll take off with.

It's honestly completely personal. I really don't believe there's a standard benchmark. You need to find out where you are in all of this, what you really feel and want and act on that. I recommend reading State of Affairs by super-therapist Esther Perel and using some of your husband's nice big wage to see a therapist regularly to ensure you're in touch with all your feelings about this, then act accordingly in whatever way aligns with that.

Many is the woman that has looked the other way through their own choice.
The wife of a colleague of my husband told me years ago at a do after she had had a few drinks, when she had 3 teens, that she knew with the amount of travelling he was doing that it was a possibility.
She told him indirectly that if he ever brought any gossip or embarrassment to her and her children's door, that their marriage wouldn't survive it.

This is what I wanted to say, but the above is more eloquently put.

OP, its bad enough that the cheating happened, but he actually tells you about it, thereby rubbing your nose in it, and ((having had both done to me) the latter is just as bad. You don’t get the ‘luxury’ of being blissfully ignorant

Make sure your contraception is bullet proof, get an sti test, line up your paperwork and see a solicitor. Once you know where you stand financially - you may be better off than you think- have a talk with him about what actions (not just words) you expect from him in this relationship - if you want to continue. Personally I'd get out as he's a serial cheat driven by his d* and a liar.

What does any of that have to do with being a good father?

Respect

You don't need to respect your spouse to be a good parent to your kids.

This is what leapt out for me too.

He obviously goes for younger women, you were younger than the woman he was with when he met you, 15 years to him, woman he cheated with is 23 years younger than him (boak).

It’s very likely he will decide he wants another younger one (or wants to carry on with the one he just had)and he’s proved that he can get younger women.

I wouldn’t humiliate myself by giving him the choice/control tbh. He doesn’t respect you at all. Especially not setting that example to my impressionable teen girls.

Rather be on my own with a lower income and my self esteem intact, and find someone who’s not a cheating sleaze and who has the respect for me I deserve.

You will probably find someone younger than him yourself!

You mention an ultimatum but don’t say what that would be.

If it’s not shagging other women I wouldn’t bother as it’s not going to happen.

I think it’s clear you’ll stay, you can outsource the sex bit so you don’t have to worry about doing it again, you can carry on enjoying the money and lifestyle, supported in your creative venture, no one has to move out, you know what he’s like, what he’s always been like 🤷‍♀️

He might trade you in for a more permanent younger model in future so I’d consider what that looks like. But for now you’re both getting what you want so carry on as you are.

Hmmm. A friend of mine stayed with her DH after he had an affair. Similar reasons, her kids were young - he was a high earner, they had a very comfortable life, and he promised never to do it again.

I don't think he was unfaithful again in truth, but 15 years on and she's honest that her marriage never really recovered, and the resentment got much worse over time. She's planning to leave him now she's in her early 50s...but obviously the chances of building a life with someone new get slimmer the older we get. You are still young OP, do you really want to be simmering with resentment as you look after an old man who cheated on you?

Personally, I would get out now.

But you were in your 20s when you got with him. Some men are like that.

He is a serial cheater.

I might be wrong, but it sounds like you enjoy your lifestyle and that’s why you are still with him, even though you know what he is doing is not okay.

My worry would be that you are setting a really bad example for your 3 daughters.

He had an affair with you, and has had 2 (that you know of) since you've been married. Of course he will do it again because he knows you won't leave him.

If you stay with him you need to be prepared for this to happen again.

As the saying goes, when a man marries his mistress there is a job vacancy

Oh OP. I’m so sorry you’re putting up with this! He met you as the result of an affair, already cheated when your children were small (this one would be unforgivable for me!) and now this. And he’s blaming the other woman; assuming she’s single, he’s the one who massively, hugely crossed the line.

I know it’s hard in a marriage with children but do you truly think he won’t do this again? You don’t mention how he’s been since - grovelling, disgusted with himself? What are his promises to you now? I agree with others that he’s just finding his fun wherever he likes as his wife lets him get away with it.
I’m so sorry to hear of the miscarriage too and totally normal to be off sex for a while, how dare he let that be an excuse to cheat. If one of your daughter’s husbands did that in the future, what would you say to her?

One final thought - you’re a few years from the joys of perimenopause which for me meant my libido disappeared. There are things you can do of course, but my DH was extremely understanding. I can’t see yours offering the same grace.

You lose them how you got them springs to mind.

I just wanted to add, that the woman he slept with (the 29 year old!), is very likely to be vulnerable in some way - insecure, looking for love. She's not going to have slept with your husband because she can't do any better. Any 29 year old with her head screwed on, and totally confident and full of self-belief isn't going to sleep with a married 52 year old colleague (boss?). He really isn't that attractive. He sounds like a sleezebag.

You most certainly do. If children witness their father being disrespectful towards their mother, it sets them up for all kinds of issues.

They haven't witnessed anything. He had sex at a conference. They never need to know unless one of the parents tells them.

Omg you can't blame yourself for grieving your miscarriage that somehow you deserve to be cheated on for that!
Why because you haven't been fun or sexual enough the past few months?!

Marriage is in sickness and in health forsaking all others. This man has shat all over his marriage vows to you, has done it before and likely will do it again.

If you still think you'll be happier with him than without him then carry on as you are, but if this makes you feel awful then you might well be happier single or with a faithful man that respects you and his vows.

Sounds like he prefers women in their 20’s. I
can see why you are considering staying but if you do I think you may have to accept this will happen periodically. He is unlikely to change but you may be secure in your position as the mother of his daughters. I think the ultimatum Id be thinking about is is around legal protections for the future if he does leave you for someone else.

Why didn't you leave him when you found out that you had actually been the OW? I don't think you will leave him for this, which is fine, but it will rot away your self esteem.

Would you want your daughters to be in a marriage like yours?

I agree with this @Tallscandi - there’s also the old adage “lose them how you found them” . What you will now have to decide is if you value financial and familial security enough to turn a blind eye to these sporadic indiscretions. I suspect, even if you were at it 5 times a week he’s the kind of man who values the thrill of the chase over stability hence repeatedly going after younger women. I’m sorry for you if that’s not what you want and need or even can live with. It wouldn’t be for me but that’s what you will have to grapple with. Good luck

Oh come on!!

Is the only purpose of marriage to have sex on tap?