DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

he is honestly a great father

No, he’s honestly not. He’s cheated on the mother of his children more than once, and has shagged someone young enough to be his daughter.

Raise your bar, OP.

He is not a good father. Don't buy in to that bullshit. Good father's don't shag around and cheat and hurt the mother and break up the family.
He's a walking talking cliche, not a special charismatic unicorn.
Get out before your self esteem is utterly destroyed. Love very often isn't enough unfortunately.

He WILL do it again op! Men like this never change! If you can live like that then stay with him.

He cheated on his previous girlfriend with you. That in itself should have been enough for you to stop the relationship then. He then went on and cheated on you, the mother of his children. You should have left him. Now he did it again with someone young enough to be his daughter. Three strikes. What are you expecting? He is a a serial cheat and doesn't respect you. I would be looking for a better role model for my daughters. You are showing them how men should treat them. How will you feel when one of your daughters is in this situation and says well mom put up with it.

He is a cheater and won't change. I don't understand the whole he is such a great husband and father but cheated. No, he isn't a good husband or father. A good husband and father puts his wife and family above his need to get his dick wet. OP, you are young and deserve better than this creepy old man. And I say this as a 50 year old woman who would divorce my DH of 25 years if he did any of the above. Life is too short to be with a cheating liar

Why do women set the bar so low and insist these men are so lovely?

He’s not lovely he’s a liar and a cheat and if I were you rather than working on your marriage I’d work on my self esteem and leave. Don’t make your kids the excuse to stay.

It's never as easy as forgiving or turning a blind eye or accepting his cheating. It will honestly destroy you from the inside out. Instead of pissing about with a hobby/job, get a very good therapist and a very good lawyer and claw back your self worth and your life.

By the sounds of it he provides a nice life for your family and you get on really well. He will continue to provide a nice life, because he will have to, when you divorce him. And who knows, you may even continue to get on really well. But there’s no respect here OP, you’re the mother of his children. He’s done that to you and to them and for what? A temporary ego boost, to be the big guy in the office, to show everyone he’s ’still got it?’
You’re young and attractive, and life is short. Get out there and find the love that everyone deserves.

What? An older man fucked a younger woman at a conference?

Good luck tracking them down!

He’s cheated multiple times already, he will
continue to do this. I had one of these, it absolutely destroyed my confidence, self worth, and made me paranoid and miserable.
Only you can decide whether you can accept this for the rest of your life.

Not my area of law so happy to be corrected but I'm not sure post nups have legal effect in the UK (if that's where OP is) and even if they do, I can't see a "penalty clause" about cheating having any force.

You don't want to leave him, because to do so would upend your creative life and lifestyle for your children. Divorcing is far too scary and it would mean you having to work. You say how attractive this man is, but frankly I think this charisma he supposedly has has been honed to get all the women to fancy him. Imagine any man aged 52 shagging a 29 year old is gross anyway, but with a wife at home with three small children? Reprehensible.
So, know he will do this again. Weigh up if you want to keep your lifestyle or if you want to brave the outside world again. Just imagine if in five years' time, he does it again?
He sounds insufferable and loves himself. He's disrespected you, everyone in his work knows and is gossiping, while you're at home. I think you need to take your rose-tinted glasses off and see him for what he is.
And by the way, divorce could be the most empowering thing you ever do.

The fact that he slept with someone young enough to be his daughter would be enough for me.

OP , kindly , no one here is really going to tell you to stay and it will all work out. That’s because you will have three types of people :

• those damaged by cheating where it didn’t work out or they didn’t stay
• those who have not been through it so their instant thought is - leave
• those who have been through it and stayed .

The third one is where I am. Honestly , I’m sorry , but I cannot tell you it will all be ok. I stayed , I worked through it , my relationship is happy , I feel very loved and where I want to be , but can I say it’s all worked out ok ? No. It’s been 5 years . He has tried so hard and our relationship is very good now. But , I am not the same person and I never will be. I don’t want to leave and I accept my fate because I love him and can’t imagine life without him …. But I don’t trust him 100%. I never thought he would do it and he did so how can I ever feel that secure again? I trust and believe he loves me but if someone said he had done something , I couldn’t honestly say “ he would never “ . I get jealous , paranoid . It’s got easier - so yes , I would say if he’s willing to work at it then there is a chance and I absolutely would not say he doesn’t love you if he cheats - I know my husband loves me , I believe it and I feel it … but , I do think men can go and have sex with someone else and it’s not about not loving their partner. I believe they can seperate it .

If you both want it to work I’m sure you can but speaking from experience - please don’t think you can go back to how you were . I don’t mean you and him - me and my husband went back to how we were in the beginning in terms of how close we are , the honeymoon phase etc and it’s stayed like that.

But , I am not the same and I never will be .

Sorry, but he's utterly grim. You describe him as your best friend but he's had two affairs that you know of, and the women he's choosing are getting younger.

Up to you if you think the lifestyle is worth it, but he's just going to keep doing it. It's going to be lonely for you when the kids leave home and he's onto women younger than they are...

I can understand and sympathise with everything you’re saying op - you love him despite what he’s done and you like your life 🤷‍♀️ sometimes the thought of divorcing and the upheaval that entails is exhausting.

But you’ll probably never be able trust him and I think that would drive me mad. I don’t think I could live with knowing my dh shagged someone else, not at this stage in my life. But only you can decide what you’re willing to tolerate.

I wanted to comment on your post bc I had an affair a few years ago and my dh forgave me so I have some experience of infidelity and the problems it causes. I had wanted to end things between us - I think it was a cry for help as I was so unhappy but I chose to do it and that’s on me. I will say that dh hasn’t been an angel over the years though. I found him up to no good in the past although he always denied actually doing anything but i just didn’t trust him after that. But when he found out he begged me to stay and has subsequently changed so much - he’s become the husband I always wanted him to be. He’s also older and has calmed down a lot. He’s the same age as your dh and I can’t imagine him even having the energy to cheat nowadays.

You can work through these things if you’re both willing to change and deal with the relationships issues. That may mean you having to have sex with him and working on that side of your relationship. And he would have a ton of work to do to get you to begin to trust him again.
Personally, one of the reasons I had an affair was bc I felt so unseen/unheard by my dh - I felt like he didn’t desire me any more and when we did have sex he wanted to do things I wasn’t comfortable which (I think he was porn addled) made me feel like a piece of meat. There were lots of shitty things he did over the years that just made me die inside. I met someone who treated me like I was a queen and thought I was wonderful (or so I thought - he turned out not to be quite so great!) but it wasn’t about the sex, it was the attention I think and having someone to talk to.
Your dh however sounds like a serial philanderer who likes the attention and the excitement - is that better or worse? I’m not sure. For me I actually hated the deceit and running around and I came clean and admitted everything after a couple of months and told dh I wanted a divorce.

I still sometimes wonder if I made the right decision staying with him but whilst he’s being so good to me and showing he’s changed I’m willing to hang in there. We’ve been together and long time and have built a good life together - we have lovely dcs and I don’t want to have prospective grandchildren seeing their gp’s separately. I see our future together and that’s what I want. I love him and enjoy his company most of the time. I’ve come to realise that he has his faults but he offers more in the way of positivity to my life and I basically have fun with him. I also know I can change my mind at any time if things change. I’m a realist and I know it’s slim pickings out there and I’m unlikely at 41 to go on to meet some perfect wonderful man. And I don’t particularly want to grow old alone.

One comment I read on here that always stayed with me was “no one gives you a medal when you die for staying in a marriage”
If you decide to stay then do it for yourself and make sure you have a plan should you change your mind.

Sorry that was so long - just want to say on MN things are always very black and white but real life isn’t like that. People make mistakes and have flaws. Ultimately if you feel your life is better with him in it then maybe that’s enough? I used to think cheat = game over but now I know life is more nuanced than that and that I’m far from perfect myself.

I think you’re looking for reasons and excuses for what he did when actually there are nine. Even if he’s the best looking man on the planet he doesn’t have an excuse to putting his dick into anyone else. Even if women are offering it to him in a plate he doesn’t have to take it.

He sounds like a creep, sleeping with people young enough to be his daughter 😬. Why are you making excuses for him?

Respect yourself and get rid of him. He will continue to cheat again and again. If other women think he’s so great then let them have him.

That’s all well and good OP but you’re making an assumption here it’s up to you to leave him, and that’s the only way you’ll break up etc

Give it a few years and you’re be traded in for a younger model….. I’d be absolutely making sure you have your ducks in a very organised row 🦆💰

I'd probably stay with him but then I'd be more likely to be the 'player' and want forgiving. Wouldn't have kids though so that changes the dynamic.

I think you should get counselling and talk about why you think you should make so many excuses for him.

I have a really good looking husband who gets attention from women (not bragging but it's true!) - and he has never cheated.

cheating is a CHOICE.

Your husband is NOT being a good friend to you - he is not being a good dad to his daughters. I know how painful it is to think of this but he is actually massively disrespecting you and hurting you - and he knows it!

he is CHOOSING to betray you, to hurt you, to sleep with other women, to take his energy elsewehre instead of focusing it in on his marriage

I think I could forgive infidelity if it was a real real mistake - ie. drunken, weak, relationship had massive problems.

but you are looking for ways to make it totally okay that your husband enjoys attention elsewhere

this isn't how marriages work in the long term.

if he wants his marriage with you to work - he needs to pour the energy onto you

you sound like a great woman - and a great mum. he should be the one doing the work to make you stay - not you doing the work to justify forgiving him.

If there was even a hint of him being an arsehole in this marriage then I would definitely say ducks in a row.
But when you love him and you have a good happy life together, it is definitely not something to throw away.

Many is the woman that has looked the other way through their own choice.

The wife of a colleague of my husband told me years ago at a do after she had had a few drinks, when she had 3 teens, that she knew with the amount of travelling he was doing that it was a possibility.

She told him indirectly that if he ever brought any gossip or embarrassment to her and her children's door, that their marriage wouldn't survive it.

He was a kind and loving man, and a great father to their 3 sons.
They regularly joined him on wonderful trips through work, and she had absolutely no intention of denying her children these memories.

That was 25 years ago.
He is retired and they are having a great retirement.

This is your life.
You need to decide what works for you and your life.

It really isn't about satisfying what others want you to do.

That is why be careful who you share this with.
Only the most supportive non judgy of people if at all.

Thats why a therapist is best while you decide IMO.

How would you feel if he got another woman pregnant? Because that is a very real possibility.

If you divorce him you’d be entitled to a decent payout. Not saying you should divorce him, just that if you’re worried about what you’ll live off, you wouldn’t be leaving the marriage empty handed. If you do stay, maybe one of the conditions of giving him another chance should be him ensuring your financial security without him so that you can easily leave “if” (when) he does it again. Some form of trust in your name maybe?

I think the "no gossip or embarrassment" ship has sailed if he's openly flirting with and then shagging a much younger colleague at a work event, no?

He’s a shagger. Always has been, always will be. I’d bet that there are plenty more you don’t know about.

Up to you if you want to accept he will do this over and over again - and show your girls that it’s ok to be treated this way.

This is a really good point.

The number of men who leave their wives if they are diagnosed with a serious illness is astronomical.

OP if you decide to stay you need to be realistic. He has most likely had other affairs that you are not aware of. There’s a really high chance he will leave when the DC are older and he knows he doesn’t have to pay child support and assets will not be divided in your favour. There’s a really high chance he will leave if you have a serious illness.

In your shoes I would speak to both a therapist and a divorce lawyer. With the divorce lawyer, explore what your position would be now as compared to in 10 years or 20 years time. You need to make an informed decision.

With the therapist work through scenarios such as your daughters finding out and potential impacts of that. Work through how to deal with your emotions moving forward. Work through what would make you feel comfortable and secure. You don’t seem to be expecting anything from him in terms of addressing his need to cheat. Why is that? A lot of women would be requiring couples counselling as a minimum.

wishing you all the best.