DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

It feels as though you are willing to settle for a less than favourable life because you think your sleazy husband is a catch. Just because women find him physically attractive does not make him a catch. He sounds reckless and disrespectful. He told you about the sex because he thought you might let him get away with it. The fact that you have, gives him free rein to fuck about. Contrite my arse. Until the next nubile youngster shows up and “seduces” him. What an absolute bastard.

@Tallscandi wouldnt be me . He has done it before and he will do it again .
Take what
you can as a best deal form the divorce as if you stay you will get less when he finally leaves you .
He loves the attention and can’t keep it in his pants.

It’s all words op , his actions show you otherwise.

Where did I ever say that?

What I will say is that the core difference between a romantic relationship and friendship is the sex. But that's just a side note and has nothing to do with the point I was making, that people only owe their partners fidelity, not celibacy.

Part of being a good parent is setting an example of how to respect other people.

Another part is providing a stable home to your children.

Fucking a woman young enough to be your daughter does neither

You’ve forgotten:

• those of us who had a cheating parent

They are having a dry spell following a miscarriage and he’s cheating, that makes him an arsehole. But you just think it’s all OPs fault. We get it, your relationships are shit and you have no empathy.

Yes you do, because you are modelling to your kids how romantic relationships work, and for a long time, that is the only example our kids learn from. So if a father/partner treat their mom with such disrespect, then that's what is modelled to them, it teaches them that that is OK, and that's what they can expect from relationships. And we know how often history repeats itself.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 It's a real mystery since he definitely doesn't chase these women.... Whereas in her later posts op says he is an extroverted and flirtatious person. Something is really not adding up here.

@Tallscandi you might as give up and accept this is who he is. You might as well accept that you will not leave him no matter what he does to break your trust.

You should accept and make peace with these uncomfortable truths.

Because you're in an open marriage, you just don't know it.

Accepting that might help you find some comfort.

I guess then you would also come under “ damaged by cheating”

Although , having a cheating parent doesn’t necessarily mean someone would say to leave , it could be quite the opposite. My father cheated on my mother and I sometimes wonder if the path I have chosen is somehow linked to seeing my parents relationship. My father cheated on my mother multiple times and she stayed , until she didn’t and then I watched her life go downhill and every relationship after that fail , lose her home etc .

Modelling appropriate behaviour of how you treat other people, specifically how you treat your partner.

So she lives in a lie and pretend their father isn't a sleazy, lying cheat who shags women 25 years younger than him? They don't need to know as young teens, for sure, but as they grow older, they should know. Fuck protecting men's image so that people don't think less of them. If they didn't want others to know they're lying, cheating fucks, then they should lie and cheat.

Modelling is what you do in front of your children or with their knowledge. They don't know what he did at a conference, nor do they need to know.

Why are you defending and justifying this opportunistic creep's behaviour? Have some love for yourself. You deserve better than that.

That's one point of view.

Your moral compass is in the gutter, mate. Check yourself!

is that you, Carrie Johnson?

It's really obvious that you love him very much and may decide to live with his presumably occasional cheating. I would ask how much heartache this costs you and that you be honest with yourself about this. If you really can live with it, then you're only answerable to yourself and you don't have to do what others might do in the same situation.

What she does is up to her. Not informing a child of something bad their parent has done isn't living a lie. It's what a decent human being does.

I cant believe how little respect you women have for yourselves.

I’ve had many issues with my DH, but sticking his penis into a younger model isn’t one of them. He knows he’d be out the door with bin bags full of his crap within minutes of me finding out.

Look at those who stayed. They are now saying they are not the same person. So, basically he soul destroyed you into a shell of yourself.

Get rid of these shit men. You deserve better.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours)

How can you even look at this man who had so much contempt for you that the details of his sexual encounter with this woman were open knowledge to his colleagues and a woman you describe as a long time friend of you both?
Surely that should make you realise how little you mean to him OP?

I agree with pp that he will have had multiple sexual partners. Thats probably why he was comfortable all the people at the conference knowing about this latest conquest because they will be aware of his modus oprandum already.
And his penchant for women in their 20s will not change. He will eventually leave you for a younger model.

Im sorry OP but much as you love your life style you really should take control.of the situation and end the marriage on your own terms. Don't sit and wait to be discarded when it suits him.

I'm not your mate and my moral compass is far superior to yours.

And again, this implies that women like the OP should just keep their mouths shut and pretend they haven't been dragged in the metaphorical mud by their cuntish husband because "nobody needs to know what happens behind closed door". I despair!

Yup. Obviously.

Thank you very much everyone - I really appreciate this ! It's quite overwhelming for me reading all these messages, but I also just wanted to clarify a few things

1 - he slept with someone (when they were both a bit drunk) who is not his colleague but works in the same profession as him. According to his colleague, who I trust but they are my close friend, he did not pursue her and he was immediately v guilty about it

2- he honestly doesn't have a habit of pursuing / flirting with younger women - he was quite uneasy about being in a relationship with me when I was in my 20s and he was older - at that time I reassured him about it.

3. when he did have a short ONS 10 years ago, it was with a woman his age

Stop projecting your insecurities. I don't need to imply anything, I clearly say what I mean.