DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

Sorry OP but you're wrong. I'm the one who described the gorgeous male colleague who gets lots of attention.

Your DH is not like him. You can't respect your wife "usually" and fuck a twenty something year old only now and again. It's binary. He respects his wife, your husband doesn't. He did it at a work event.

People (like me) speak admiringly about my colleague and his wife. What do you think your husband's colleagues are saying about you? If you want to live your life as the well dressed and rich wife of a cheat then that's your bed to lie in, but don't tell yourself anyone thinks he respects you. I'm very sorry.

So you were early 20s when he was mid 40s?

Yuck. In the real world, I would imagine what you consider his charm, many consider sleazy. He chose you because you were a model, a beautiful bit of arm candy that made him feel good. I’m going to guess that he’s incapable of truly loving anyone (because you don’t cheat on someone you love). He uses the people around him as pawns.

You're the arm candy at home, a good wife and mother who’s happy to sustain a beautiful home, even when you’re cheated on.

His colleagues a good shag who makes him feel alive and attractive still.

The next woman will also serve to boost his ego.

He doesn’t love the people around him - you all just serve a function. A true gentleman wouldn’t put his wife through infidelity twice, when she has young children and after a miscarriage. If he were a good man, he’d be working on reestablishing intimacy with you, not looking for it elsewhere.

Just to warn that having self respect doesn’t mean you will never be cheated on ….

You describe him as kind and you describe how he fucked a woman at work who is young enough to be his daughter.

That does not strike me as being very kind.

Maths?

I don’t think YABU to consider staying.

But, realistically, this will happen again. Probably more than once. Can you live with that? I don’t think I could.

Gently, he’s not your best friend. Best friends do not fuck other women behind their wives backs.

You are worth what you settle for in this situation - advocate for your daughters and show them it isn’t OK to accept shit behaviour.

Honestly all this stuff about him being a brilliant father. He’s shagging the girls in the office behind your back, take the mask off the guy.

I’m not sure why you posted on here. Everyone is giving you advice and you’re continually siding with your husband. It seems like you’d be better considering an open marriage. Why bother setting any conditions if you’d allow him to cheat again anyway? He knows it too!

You've forgiven him in the past. Every time you forgive and agree to move on, that's reinforcing the lesson that he can get away with this, because you'll forgive him.

And this is the problem. He knows that you know (obviously), so what’s to stop him doing it again.

Its your choice about staying together, I wouldn’t judge you either way, but you may have to expect repeat performances

I entirely disagree with this, specially:
"there is no way I would implode mine and my children's life over this."

You wouldn't implode yours and your children's life. He did. He's already done it. The only choices you are making is "Am I going to accept living a lie or not, am I going to sacrifice my wellbeing and boundaries or not?"
Of course the divorce will impact on the kids, but he is responsible for the divorce by breaking his vows and promise to you. You'd only be doing the admin now that he fucked it all up, multiple times.

Sorry op. You’re saying charismatic and I’m hearing sleazy. Just because women might be attracted to him, doesn’t mean he should be acting on it.

There is so much to unpack here!

• Gross he slept with someone young enough to be his daughter.
• Inexcusable that your miscarriage can be used in any way as justification, I’m sorry you went through that but your pain and suffering leading to not wanting to have sex does not give him a free pass.
• Do your daughters know about his infidelity?
• You have to ask yourself, would you accept one of them being treated like this? Presumably it’s a no, in which case why would you model to them that it’s acceptable for their husband to cheat on them?

You deserve better and so do your girls!

You're not being unreasonable—you're just hurting, and that’s totally valid. How things started between you and your husband doesn’t really matter now. The past is in the past. What matters is where you are now and where you want to go together.
Maybe this is a sign that you and your husband need to take some time to really talk and reconnect. Sometimes when men do things like this, it’s not because of anything we’ve done—they’re trying to feel wanted or important, and it often comes from their own insecurities. It’s more about something lacking in them, not in you.
And just because he has a big job and brings in most of the money doesn’t mean your role is any less important. You’re the one holding everything together. You’re the glue in your family, and that’s something money can’t buy.
If you feel up to it, talk to him. Let him know how you’re feeling, and how his actions could hurt not just you, but your whole family. Fighting for your marriage doesn’t mean you don’t have self-respect—it means you love your family and are willing to try. That takes a lot of strength.
Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you peace. Wishing you all the best—you deserve it.

How do you know her age OP? Sounds strangely familiar to something that happened at a conference I was at recently!

I also agree that whatever you decide you really need to get back into work and try to establish some financial independence. Even if you’re prepared to stick it out what if he falls head over heels with the next one and/ or she gets pregnant? You might not end it but there’s a good chance he will at some point and spousal maintenance is rare these days.

Hi OP, you have to make a decision and there will be a cost either way.
Your choice and I feel for you.
I have friends whose husbands have had affairs and they have stayed together whilst acknowledging that things will never be the same.
Whatever you choose, please take care of yourself.
You may consider that the financial benefits of being married to him don't outweigh the emotional consequences and your peace of mind which is priceless

It states in the OP he told her the details and she then confirmed with a friend who knows the person…

This sucks for you. You could suggest that he does the therapy etc abut also that you get a post-nup that has penalty clauses for cheating.

He is an wanker for this ( and the precious form) but you love him, he has good points. Marriage is complex.

I would also look at what you can do to stabilise your own career as he is not a husband you can rely on.

This seems the likely truth.

Don't stay for financial reasons as with 3 kids and you as primary care giver he'll need to give you a lot of child maintenance for the foreseeable.

Im interested though... you don't sound that bothered/jealous/angry?

I was absolutely broken on discovering my ex's affair.

If you can bear to leave him then I would i think? You deserve better? Your kids deserve more and will you ever trust him again?

It depends on what you are prepared to accept op. I do understand you wanting to stay, but this is the third time. If you stay now, you are effectively giving him a “pass” to do this kind of thing. If you think you can happily live with that and turn a blind eye, more power to you. I know some people do that and it seems to work for them.
But ONLY do that if you think it will work for you. If it’s going to make you unhappy, even in the smallest way, don’t do it. He’s not worth it.

Honestly a lot of people probably stay in very imperfect marriages because they suit them in some way. I think given that you have forgiven his infidelity before you probably will again, Don’t expect him to be faithful if you stay OP. It’s up to you, I would want a divorce myself but I’m not you and I think you have to weigh this up yourself. If it is a marriage of convenience then I would be honest with yourself about that (and possibly just find yourself a boyfriend). I’m not going to say what you should do but be clear sighted about how you can expect him to behave, he’ll be sleeping with other women regardless of whether you are married or not.

I think I accepted this as who he is

You have accepted it. He did it to someone else before you, and twice to you so far. It clearly is who he is, and since you don't want to leave, at least you should get tested regularly if you continue to have sex with him. You won't know where he's been, or where they have been before he had to sleep with them because they flirted with him.

He is likely to cheat again but if he is otherwise good to you and you can sort of mentally separate that from the relationship you share it could work okay, at least for the time being.

It could work for the two of you to continue living and parenting together without sex, let him casually date (and you too, if you want to) - up for discussion how much of that is okay and how much you want to hear about it.

You could focus on getting the romantic and sexual part of your relationship back on track and hope he doesn’t cheat again (or does so very discreetly).

You could live separately and coparent like that, both of you free to pursue new relationships.

It’s not stupid to stay, it would be naive to believe he’ll never cheat again.

OK so you are married to Boris Johnson??
You have basically described him. Are you happy with the comparison?

Cheaters always cheat so get a damn good lawyer lined up.

If he’s a good dad, he can continue to be a good dad with shared custody. And if you care about each other you can find a way to respectfully make divorce work.

There are so many great things to enjoy in the world - things you might have missed out on having kids so young. Leaving him could be a really positive change in your life.

OP only you know what you can forgive and whether you can get past this. If you do decide to stay with him, you need to make it clear that you might find you can't put it behind you after all and you may well end things anyway so he is very much on probation.