DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

“If he’ll do it WITH you, he’ll do it TO you”
This quote from a Joy Fielding novel sums it up - if your relationship began with him cheating on his wife, the odds are that he’ll eventually cheat on you. The married man who tells another woman that he and his wife are “on a break” is usually not living with a wife who realises that’s what he’s thinking, much less saying.

But was him sleeping with a woman at a work event actually an affair? Infidelity yes, cheating yes, but to my mind an affair has emotional connections that are a much more cruel and painful betrayal than simply the act of having sex. I don’t say that to excuse what he did, there isn’t an excuse. I’m not minimising the wrongdoing, nor the distress you’re dealing with.

Any person can decide they don’t want sex, and possibly decide they don’t want sex either in the immediate future or indefinitely, with their spouse. What you can’t do is condemn the spouse to a life without sex if they’re not equally in agreement. So you need not sleep with your husband, but if he isn’t on board with celibacy he’s very likely to get it when a willing person and the opportunity, however transient, are there.

He will have sex with other women again. You may or may not be able to turn a blind eye, you may both really, really want to keep living together under the facade of a marriage. Depends on your level of self-respect, how much you actually like each other’s company, lots of factors. You wouldn’t be the first nor the last. Would you forgive him, even though you’ll never forget - and he’ll never forget how you’ve responded. Do you want to make his life easy? Or yours?

Yet he may well fall in love with one of the women he sleeps with. He may well feel he wants a different life, with her, and the pain caused by breaking up your marriage, your family, is worth it in the long run. Then what? Will you wish you’d split at this stage?

I worked with a woman whose husband had repeated flings. They split and reconciled time and again. They had two sons in primary school. She used to say, “If I can only have 10% of him I’d rather have that than lose him completely”.

I couldn’t live like that.

Be kind to yourself.

How do you feel about your husband seeing this woman all the time at work? There is always going to be this between them, will it bother you knowing that they are possibly going to be alone together at certain points of the day or week? Will they ever be together as part of the 'colleagues working away'?

Out of all the posts made here this is the one to really think about the most. You need to ask yourself what your real values are and then look at how his align with yours. Look at the person he really is deep down. He will be cheating for a reason and probably only therapy for you both will help him understand why.

Interestingly, I grew up with a Father who was a serial cheat. So I’m the daughter in this scenario. They married young and had 3 children by the time my mum was 26 years old. Despite his affairs, my Mum stayed because in those days marriages were also for economic reasons and we would have been much poorer. But she also loved him and he never wanted to leave her or us. I always loved my Dad deeply and would have been devastated if they had split up- it was an unbearable thought for me. I realised as I got older that actually he was really a weak man with an inflated ego. Attractive and charming who could turn on the empathy when it mattered. So women fell for that. My Mum was deeply wounded by his behaviour and I always felt a deep family shame. Like a dirty secret. By age 50 he had mellowed and had started to realise how badly his behaviour had impacted her. I remember him telling me on his 50 th birthday that he had committed to never cheating again and how much he valued my Mum for staying.

My sister divorced early on in her marriage. She has committed only to raising her boy. I remain married but made a vow to myself I would never be unfaithful no matter what. I would just leave if things broke down. My decision was purely based on seeing his behaviour and wanting something of higher value in myself. I think once you understand yourself and him better through talking this through it will be easier to decide.

Yes there's never need to rub salt in someone's wounds, especially if their lives & luck have been less fortunate
Original commenter can indeed still have her choice of right partner for her & her Children
The right man won't be put off whatsoever, by her Beloved Children
💚💛💚

Oh but I have. Guys I would have definitely fucked if I was single.
You don't know me and quite frankly don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't being smug, just giving an example which disproves the "everybody is capable of cheating" line. I'm self aware and I know I don't have it in me. It is a matter of character, because it's a choice and I have the freedom to make choices. If I was starving on the streets of some third world country and could improve my situation by cheating, then the equation would change. Then I wouldn't be able to make a free choice because the only other option is so dire.

My price is ten million dollars, but I'd still ask for permission instead of cheating. I'd just divorce him if he said no. 😄

So, you do have a price - and you are capable of cheating. The situation just has to be right. Glad we're in agreement.

He's clearly got form for cheating and it will happen again. The question is, are you ok with that? I'd imagine for most it's a deal-breaker but this is your marriage and it's your decision- you and your children have to live with that, not anyone else. It sounds like you're blaming yourself in part for his decision to do what he did. It's not your fault, he's an adult man with the ability to make choices. I appreciate what a tough situation this is for you to find yourself in and wish you all the best 💐

If see is not important for you but is for him, you will have to decide how to manage the relationship. Get counselling or turn a blind eye to keep the family together

I think it’s an issue because you are aware you’re already the ‘younger’ woman for him. And he clearly has a penchant for that.
I think he sounds like a creep tbh.

So sorry for your loss. I think the context of what he has done given your loss makes it more significant actually imo. Have you had any counselling? It might be worth it- assuming you want to save and improve things. You sound quite distant from each other to me from your post.
best of luck x

Sorry you are hurting OP.
I think you are right to think about it rather than just leaving.

in reality, if my DP wasn’t interested in sex with me, a moment of attention and chemistry would be hard to ignore.

Jesus wept. I was kidding. Note the laughing emoji, indicating a comment is not to be taken seriously.
Are you new to the internet?

If sex was important to you and your partner wasn't interested, you should really leave the relationship and then think about having sex with other people, not cheat.

@Tallscandi you need to make it clear to your H that there are repercussions. Even if you don’t leave him your view of him has irrevocably changed. Each time he cheats it chips away at the respect and love you have for him. Was it worth it for one night?

I do think if you need to consider the boundaries in your relationship. If you won’t leave now, then realistically you won’t leave if he does it again. And it will happen again because he’s sex starved and has lots of women throwing themselves at him. Maybe you have to accept that monogamy is not working. You can tell him that you no longer consider him a faithful partner but put in rules to somewhat protect your relationship such as no emotional intimacy and never more than once with the same person.

However you should make it clear that the same rules apply to you should you wish to have a romantic night with someone else.

To be honest that will probably hurt him the most. The knowledge that he’s lost your fidelity with his actions.

There’s so much more to life than occasional infidelity (especially if you aren’t that bothered about sex at the moment) . Personally I would enjoy my children and the life you have at the moment. One thing is FOR SURE.. single parent hood ain’t know bowl of cherries ..

I certainly wouldn’t have made the decision I made - leaving because of a couple of flings - when I was equally uninterested and in full on mum-mode. It was a stupid ridiculous thing to do. Made the kids miserable , me miserable . Wrecked our standard of living and have the kids a step mother who was totally uninterested until she had her own..

No . Given the same set of circumstances again I would have taken all the goodies on offer . Got the kids to Uni and through in a peaceful, financially secure unstressed house … and perhaps divorced him after that. - but perhaps not .

In such a case, if I loved my husband, I might ask his permission to get it somewhere else if he wasn't going to do it. Maybe we could come to an agreement. If not, then yeah, leaving is the ethical way to go. It can be an effort to ignore hot guys hitting on you even if you're getting sex. I know it was for me at times but I didn't cheat. The very thought of doing something so narcissistic, cheesy and disrespectful to my relationship makes me cringe.
The irony is that maybe I should have, because my ex turned out to be a cheater. I'm still glad I didn't, because I wouldn't feel good about myself.

I understand that he has cheated on me twice and I am.angey about this, but I really don't think he has been having a string of affairs

i do believe people can change, even if they may 'relapse' ojce or twice say in 20 years

What someone objective like me feels when they read these statements is sadness that you'll be living your life waiting for the next relapse.

My FIL cheated on my MIL a few times in their marriage. Always going back to her. But we only found out when he finally left her after 40 years of marriage for a younger woman. MIL died shortly afterwards having significantly declined in health basically dying of a broken heart.

Having seen what happened to my MIL I feel such sadness that you're saying that cheating on you twice doesn't equate to serial cheating.

I wish I'd known my MIL when she was younger and I'd have said 'how many times is too many?' and 'but what about when he doesn't come back to you?'.

Some people do fine as single parents, even choosing to become parents when they are single. OP might find she prefers being single (especially since she doesn't want sex) in which case she'd be happier, which would mean her kids were under less stress.

I was married. I like being single. I enjoy the freedom of it. I am the sole caregiver to my disabled and mentally ill daughter, so it's hard. It's still infinitely better than being with my douchebag ex. I get where you're coming from though.

This. It would break my heart if my dh enjoyed someone's body in that way! So intimate... no! He damaged your family not you!

Exactly. With any cheater, one would have to worry about being left for one of his lovers. It's not healthy to live in fear of the other shoe dropping. At the very least OP needs to get a career going so she is prepared for that.

I’m sorry to hear this. How awful. You don’t deserve such disrespect. I personally wouldn’t accept this from him again. I’d be wanting to lead by example so my children wouldn’t put up with such behaviour when they’re older. However, it’s your life and your decision. Only you know what you will tolerate. Look after yourself- you’re important and deserve to be treated with respect.x

Are you new to English? I wasn't referring to a monetary price.

You weren't joking when you said you were above it.

I hope things work out for you OP. It sounds like you are taking some steps to protect yourself financially at least.

One thing to consider, if you could have your life exactly as you are now, same level of financial comfort and freedom to pursue your own interests, but without him in it, would that be better or worse than the same but still with him? You don’t have to answer, just something to think about as you’re making decisions.

You can choose to stay, you can choose to leave, you can choose to stay with conditions.

For me, it would be a deal breaker. It would have been the first time.

Even if you are happy staying for the rest of the marriage, aren't you worried he will bring you home an STD some time? For that reason, I wouldn't being having sex with him, if he were my husband. He's done this before, maybe even more times than you know. I'd want to protect my health.

Cheating would be a deal breaker for me, just on ethical grounds, but I totally get that there are other factors involved that make staying with him (for now) a reasonable option. You could stay with him in the short term, while making plans for your own financial independence, for example getting back to work (if you're not working) and starting to save a bit etc, getting a support network established so that if you do leave, you've got people around you who can help you and the girls.

Well then you should have been, because the joke was about doing it for money, which is where I stated what my price is. Even there I said I would ask permission. I also said I would ask permission if I was starving and cheating was the only way out. So what you are accusing me of is simply not true. Or do you consider it cheating even though the partner has given you leave to have sex with somebody else? I don't.
Perhaps you could try being less cryptic and explain where you're coming from.

I didn't say I was above it. I said it's not in me, given I have the freedom to make another choice. As in my example, not everybody does and I certainly wouldn't be "above" it if I was dying of starvation and that was my only way out. That would be suicidal. I assume that like me, most people who post on MN are not starving and have not been offered a way to continue to live if they cheat. 🙄 So as I am not in that situation and surely never will be, I am not capable of it. Shall I let you know if I'm starving and Robert Redford has offered me ten million dollars?

The OP's husband isn't in a dire situation, is he. So yes, it's about his character. He's done it before.
It's a character issue in most cases you'll encounter on MN. There are exceptions, naturally. Eg; if the spouse is an abuser, I say cheat away. The abuser already broke the deal by abusing you and you are no longer bound by a promise to be faithful. Plus you may need protection from a lover. If your spouse cheats on you, then the deal is also broken, so I say it's not cheating and have at it. It's not a character issue is those cases, but most cases of cheating don't fall into those categories.

Does that help clear this up for you? It's tiresome having to explain this and I don't wish to do so again.