DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

@SwingTheMonkey cheating twice in all their time together - hardly serial. I mean far from ideal or ok but not serial.

Twice that she knows about.

And the marriage itself a result of cheating! The man is a serial cheat.

I understand that he has cheated on me twice and I am.angey about this, but I really don't think he has been having a string of affairs- firstly he is usually with us in the evenings, or otherwise at work / travelling for work with colleagues with him all the time. I have had access to his bills, phone, emails...

But you wouldn't have known about this one if he hadn't told you. He wasn't at home.
Colleagues being there didn't stop him. And it was someone from work - nothing to show on bills or phone or personal emails.

He’s done this before, 10 years ago while your girls were young and you were no doubt run ragged looking after them… he no doubt promised you he’d never do it again…. And yet here you are…
He has betrayed you and his daughters.. his behaviour is disgusting.. has he only told you because your close friend would’ve if he didn’t?…
There is no excuse at all, He’d be in the spare room, and I’d be looking at getting myself a job and looking to earn my own money and leave… or throw him out!

You’ll need to wise up, Op. Younger men are less likely to date significantly younger. It’s once men go near 40 that they are most likely to date younger since they’re feeling old then. So it doesn’t say much that he had never dated a much younger woman before 38.

And he wasn’t that anxious about age gap clearly, considering he had kids with you when you were still relatively very young and he recently cheated with a much younger woman. Actions speak louder than words.

He is a serial cheat. The way the top post is written it wasn't exactly crystal clear, but she has confirmed it.

Sex is not part of most marriage vows, in fact none that I'm aware of. I never broke any of my vows, so no, we don't all do that. That sounds like a rationalization for accepting cheating. The "everybody does it" thing is almost always a rationalization for accepting bad behaviour or behaving badly.

Making sex part of the vows could lead to men using it (and probably some women) for the purpose of sexual coercion. It would be a bad idea to include that in the vows. Sex isn't something you should do when you don't want to because you feel you owe it to somebody.

Regarding the problems in their sex life, since he was a cheater long before there was a sex drought, it's not relevant.
If it's in your character to cheat you'll do it if you're getting an hour of wild sex a day or a five minute, robotic fuck once a year.

One more thing; you make it sound like there's a binary choice between a charming cheater and a dull but faithful man. This seems like more rationalization.

No, he was cheating on somebody else with her when they met.

Yes. He cheats in his relationships. He’s a serial cheat.

Maybe she plans on killing him to collect.

I'm only kidding, OP, just in case you see this.

Cheats are neither sexy nor desirable. There is nothing attractive about a man who has no self respect.

To cheat you lie to yourself first. Then you lie to your loved ones.

When you really start to look at the cheat you will start to see the poor personality traits that allow him to cheat. Arrogance. Unable to self soothe. Needs smoke blowing up his arse. People pleaser. Low self esteem. Entitlement. compartmentalisation. Struggles with boundaries etc.

I don’t cheat for me. There is nothing my husband (who is very annoying at times) can do to make me stay faithful or cheat. He is not that powerful. I do not cheat for me. I stood up and said vows in front of my friends and family. Those vows were my word and my word means something to ME. So I am faithful for ME. He can’t influence that decision. If my word means nothing to me then who am i? I am therefore faithful for me. He is my collateral damage.

You are you poor personality trait husbands collateral damage. Cheats are cheap - not sexy.

You are the prize here. Don’t forget it.

Yep, and they never change. It's who they are.

I think if you are planning to stay with him, you will become complicit in his behaviour. There is an extremely high chance he will cheat again and a high chance he will leave you for a younger woman when you looks fade. He may be superficially charming but words cost nothing. There is a pattern here and he does things purely for himself without considering the consequences for his wife, children and marriage. That won’t change. Nobody takes off their clothes and steps into bed with a colleague at a work event without at least briefly thinking about what’s waiting back home and calculating the risk.
He’s happy to contaminate his workplace with a “flings”, despite having a high earning job and is not uncomfortable about friends and colleagues knowing. There’s not a lot of shame or regret there. I, too, think his confession to you is damage limitation, as there was a high chance mutual friend/ colleague would have told you. I also think there will have been other affairs that you don’t know about.
Given all of this, staying with him is a low risk strategy in the short term and a very high risk strategy in the long term.
If you do decide to stay with him you need to stop getting upset or angry about the affairs. The only thing that will come of that is your DDs finding out.
You need to make your peace and turn a blind eye. Instead of therapy/ hand wringing and excuses, you need a contract. If he is having sex with other younger women it cannot be on your territory or anywhere your daughters might discover.
There is a high chance one of these “flings” - maybe even the most recent one - will develop into a long term affair and he may divorce you and marry her. You need to ensure now that you will have an adequate financial settlement when that happens. You need this legally prepared.
If you are staying, the only way to protect your sanity is to become completely dispassionate, acknowledge he will always be like this and shore up your own life to the best of your ability. Otherwise you will be on tenterhooks waiting for it to happen again. That’s no life.
Personally, I’d deal with the pain of divorce now rather than watch the new step mum play sisters with your DD when you are in your late forties and your options to live life on your terms/ start afresh with someone who respects you and build a career are more limited.

Nope. My ex started his cheating in his 50s. That I know of. By the time the OP's cheater is too old to get it up he'll be infirm and she'll have to be his caregiver. Sounds incredibly grim to me.
It's not about judging her, it's about wanting her to spare herself misery.

@MuckFusk my partner isn’t a cheat and I don’t think I would stay but I can’t be sure. I don’t think it’s a binary choice - I think like most things in life nuance is important
one of the traditional vows is “with my body I thee worship” I kind of took that to mean sex/intimacy but I guess it’s open to interpretation

I wouldn’t stay in a non sexual marriage - that’s called flatmates.

as for never breaking your vows. If you’ve “cherished” and or “worshipped your partner at all times for all of your marriage - good on you. I haven’t always cherished my other half! Loved yes, cherished not always.
I was referring to traditional
vows not personal made up for each other ones. but I am older.

My view is fidelity is not the only thing that matters.
Lack of fidelity is no worse than lack of kindness or intimacy or trust or deep affection or caring or freely given love & support when ill.

as I’ve got older I’ve come to believe genuine heartfelt kindness is one of the most important things in any relationship.

All of these things are important to a happy marriage and all can fail or fall or not be prioritised at some points.

The marriage as a whole is to my mind what is important.

only OP knows how she feels and wether she feels on the scale of good and bad husband wether he comes out on top or not.

Too many people on here putting their own feelings and insecurities as the be all and end all here and that is fine for them and they absolutely have the right to take a zero tolerance approach
but by no means do they know if he will cheat again.

I have read again, and it seems him and his girlfriend were on a break when op and her husband got together. So, not cheating.

This. Every word.

This. OP is deluded.

I think you are stuck in what you want to do and what you believe you are supposed to do.

Here, the consensus will be to leave him. I don't believe you want to.

Be angry. Be very angry. But if you love him and love your life all together and it's worth more to you then you don't have to split everything up. YOU have the choice, the deciding vote, and if you want to stay together then do it. Is this awful moment worth the awful future it might entail?

Your choice only.

Op how do you feel? Are you in shock still? Or are you accepting as he has done it before? You are remarkably calm.

You have nothing to be ashamed of by the way. The betrayed are often shamed for staying. I think that is an odd take. The betrayed is between a rock and a hard place and they are often trying not to drown. Recovery can take 3-5 years even if you split.

Cheating can cause PISD (similar to ptsd). You may go through grief stages.

Has he said why he did this? What in his personality allowed him to betray his stated values - he presumably chose to get married - so why say he believes in monogamy if he doesn’t.

if he blames you or your marriage in any way he’s giving himself excuses - as I said earlier cheating is a choice.

He has a but in his fidelity. I am faithful but not if it’s a works do. I am faithful but it doesn’t count if the woman tries it on with me and I didn’t start flirting first. I am faithful but it’s okay if my wife isn’t aware.

Nothing you can do can create a ‘But’ and there is nothing you can do to make him faithful.

You cannot instill values in another human . Sex twice a day, bacon butties every morning and polishing his car every Wednesday will not instill honesty, commitment and self respect in your husband. Unmet needs is nonsense too. Your need for fidelity has not been met. Your postman may be loyal (worked for Royal Mail for 10 years and turns up each day without fail), honest (never steals your post), fit (carries mail and walks for miles) how would shagging him help fulfil your needs?

If your husband had an issue he should have
a) talked to you and suggested counselling
b) talked to you and divorced if it couldn’t be fixed.
c) shut up and put up.

d) insert penis into another person doesn’t seem a remotely logical way to cure any issue with his wife. It’s an odd response really.

So if you are going to try and stay together -he needs to work out his why. If not he’s never going be a safe partner.

In my opinion cheating is abuse - puts you at risk mentally and physically (hiv etc). So stay safe and use protection.

I know most are saying he has form but he has been faithful for 10 years and then has a brief affair after you withdraw from him sexually and emotionally. So it's a symptom of the state of your marriage. I'm not saying it's ok, I'm just saying it hasn't happened in a vacuum. You'd both need to commit to couples counselling to be in with a chance of working it through.

Unnecessarily harsh. You can acknowledge your good decisions without rubbing salt in the wound. She’s hardly going to be in the same position to find someone else now with 3 kids.

You can take that to mean whatever you like and it only applies in Christian weddings anyway.

Worshipping each other was not part of my vows. That's not human and I could never promise that. It's actually knd of creepy IMO. It's like something an erotomaniacal stalker would say to you, that he will worship you forever.

I don't agree with what you're saying about all promises being equally important. The fact of the matter is that failing to worship your spouse (or whatever) is not going to give your spouse an STD and probably won't ruin an intact family. Most people can accept the waxing and waning of love and forgive a partner for being less than perfectly supportive and caring. Cheating isn't as easily forgiven, which makes it more dangerous to the family unit. Of course if your spouse is in general and with consistency not loving and supportive, that's a dealbreaker for most people. Risking your partner's health (and your life, from HPV or HIV) should always be a dealbreaker IMO. It means your spouse couldn't possibly genuinely care about you. It's certainly more cruel and destructive than the failure to adequately worship a spouse, wouldn't you say?

I notice you have implied that people who are advising the OP to leave are insecure. What's the basis of that?

There was more to the story re; when they met. They were on a break, not broken up, which is not the same thing, and had agreed not to date others. OP put the story out in dribs and drabs so it was hard to follow, but that's what she said.

Nobody can say for sure that he'll cheat again but the odds are high that he will, so she'll have to live with the risk. She seems to be determined to stay.

It 100% is a form of abuse. Agree with all your points.

He’s a serial cheater, he won’t change. None of that is your fault or caused by your lack of sex or miscarriage they are just his crap excuses to put the blame on you. You either accept that he’s a cheater and will cheat on you again or you open your marriage or you leave. It’s tough choices for you but he won’t change.

Honestly? I completely see your point. No one wants to break their family up unnecessarily. Your life will in many ways be harder if you do so. I don’t think you are crazy for thinking this.

but honestly? To me it still is not remotely worth it. He had sexual intercourse with at least 2 women since you have been married. There is no excuse for this. You not being interested in sex. Him being drunk.

some women do just put up with it. It will definitely happen again. He will be drunk again. He will feel sexually frustrated again. I couldn’t respect him, or love him like a wife should. I would resent him and feel forever betrayed. I would feel on edge. I just couldn’t do it, despite the inevitable repercussions. In a way maybe that makes me more selfish, but the hurt would be all encompassing.

maybe it doesn’t feel that way to you, and if so maybe staying with him is the right decision. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with someone who did that to me. No matter what excuse you find he chose to marry you and make that commitment. He chose to have a family. I think he sounds pathetic and I couldn’t tolerate that

You don't know. You just haven't had the right opportunity.

Maybe you never will and you can continue to smugly believe it's a matter of character. But everyone has a price.