DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

It's entirely up to you OP. No judgement. If you enjoy his company, his income allows you time with your kids, he's a good father and you can let it go and not live your life worrying about it happening again (which it probably will do), then stay. If you are staying for convenience and because of low self esteem, but are unhappy, then i think that you should leave.
Btw, he didn't confess. Someone else was going to tell you first and he knew it.

Oh look ...a man posting!

I think this poster has a point. It would be sensible to strengthen your financial position

I'm sorry OP but your husband has form for this behaviour and will likely continue with it.
I'm speaking from my own experience. My ex H behaved the same way and I divorced him as life for me became unbearable. Also I became aware of my lack of self respect which was the wake up call I needed.
You and your children deserve better 😪

I think I'm from the same part of the world as you @Tallscandi and I think what alot of posters here get frustrated by, is actually what is in essence our culture and nature. We are logical, reasoned, feet firmly on the ground, analytical and pragmatic. My approach to infidelity is very similar to yours. I wouldn't love it, I wouldn't think it doesn't matter etc etc, but there is a level headiness about the situation and a very pragmatic outlook that I can sense in your posts, which I recognise.

I just wanted to offer that view, because I think it matters. Don't make posters who have never walked in your shoes make you feel that you are experiencing what has happened to YOU in the 'wrong way'. Or that somehow your reactions to events in YOUR life, are not the right ones.

🫶🏻

You are worth better than this OP.

Sorry you are going through this OP.
Really traumatic times for you. I haven’t read all the comments but get the gist that most are saying leave him! I always said I would do the same . Just going through something similar myself and totally know when this shit actually happens to you feels very different.
Sadly my husband has chosen to leave me and our son for affair partner. And I didnt get to have a choice.
There is no shame in choosing to stay. But need some boundaries which you define eg ….. phone trackers / therapy or change in how you communicate / openly and honesty about what happened. If he’s not prepared to do those things he’s not committed to you and reconciliation of your marriage. Then time to call it a day. Neither option is easy!
sending love and strength. Hope you have some good support.

I'm so sorry to hear this. It must be devastating. Only you can make the decision but I don't think you should be making excuses for his behaviour. You had a miscarriage- that doesn't give him a hall pass to sleep with someone else because you haven't felt in the mood to be intimate. I think you deserve better but I totally understand your wanting to stay with him. Did you say this is the 2nd time he's cheated on you? Life is too short to stay with someone who is disrespectful to you and your marriage. Hope it all turns out OK for you x

That's your opinion @TheMel

Some people will disagree with you that the base of marriage is exclusivity.

And if you believe exclusivity is the base of marriage, of course you give a damn and can't turn a blind eye, whether you're having sex within that exclusivity or not.

It's up to @Tallscandi what she believes about her marriage, and her H, to some extent, in this situation.

Once a cheat is always a cheat he probably only confessed because he thought it was gonna come out anyway, I forgave my ex. I was 30 put up with a load of crap from him for 30 years. Subsequently he cheated again and again and again and I didn’t know Wasted 30 years of my life. I so wish after the first time I kicked his arse out then and moved on the damage it does to children is awful when there’s a liar in the relationship.Move on
cut your losses
get your ducks in a row , bit he’s charming and a smooth talker!!!

He sounds like a Boris Johnson type. Only you know if that's ok by you. If it is, you may prefer he keeps his dalliances to himself so at least you don't have to know about it.

But - looking at BJ as a classic example - when things get tough, as they inevitably will at some stage in a relationship, with illness etc, he may look elsewhere more seriously.

My Dad was a cheat and I found out when I went into the loft and found his letters.It has hugely affected my trust in men and it will your daughters..I think in your own mind you have probably made your mind up. It's probably easier to stay but If I were you I would start putting my ducks in a row.You are in a vulnerable position if you decide to stay for whatever reason you need a backup plan he is not a man you can trust.

OP there is lots wrong here!!
He is in his 50s and is not yet mature.
You were having another child with a man of his age who you know is capable of leaving you and your girls for another woman, potentially.
A man who had had a fling 10 years ago and "hasn't had any since" - how do you know that he hasn't?
I get that people make mistakes and are so ashamed, never do it again etc, but he has now and you know if he's done it again, he absolutely will do it again and again - because he knows you will stay!
If it was me, I'd be getting rid of him. He isn't a good role model for your children.
I honestly want to see this guy, how on earth is attracting a 29 year old woman and keeping a wife in her 30s.

This

So he lied to you when he cheated with you and he has been dishonest at least another two times since. Be really honest with yourself; is this good for you? Are you only considering staying because of kids and money? He can be a good father without you having to put up with a rubbish husband. If he’s a decent man he will support his children. And most importantly You deserve to be happy too!
my ex husband cheated on me multiple times gave me chlamydia and still I turned a blind eye because of our child. It ended badly because of his temper. After we got divorced I received a letter from Child Maintenance Services telling me my payments (pft! what payments) would decrease due to a new case-turned out he’d fathered twins when our son was only 3, after I’d kicked him out for throwing a chair at us. Ex was as surprised as I was- claims he didn’t know about the twins. His sex drive was always a lot higher than mine but each time he cheated I wanted to have sex with him even less than before. Anyway my point is you won’t find any self respect in staying with him and your daughters shouldn’t learn to be that woman either. Sending love and strength x

No you're not being unreasonable if you are going in eyes open. This is the pattern of your relationship. Perhaps he can't be monogamous, perhaps that's not a deal breaker for you? Only you know if the pain of him being unfaithful to you is worse than the pain of being without him. Monogamy is not the be all and end all of relationships. Perhaps you two should talk about a more open relationship or a polyamory relationship. That means perhaps you have other options as well? Listen to the nobody panic episode on polyamory the therapist they talk to has a really interesting insight in to relationships. If however this pattern of his makes you unhappy, hurts your self esteem, stops you trusting him or causes you distress well then it's time to call it a day and find yourself someone who only wants to be with you .

We can't tell you what decision to make, and are expressing our opinions based on some very basic facts.

If you want to forgive him and try, do it. You can always leave him if you can't get passed it you can end it tomorrow or next week or next month.

But if i were you I might squirrel some money away, it's one thing to love him enough to forgive him its another thing to not take reasonable precautions because he has form.

I'm intrigued what boundaries you are going to put in place if you choose to stay... saying "if it happens again, I'm done" isn't going to work because quite frankly I don't even believe it so doubt it will stop him if he wants to. So what is your alternative?

If marriage isn't about exclusivity, what are we even discussing? The whole issue here is that he stepped out.

The existence of open marriages notwithstanding, most people understand marriage to be an exclusive sexual relationship (with common interests and goals). I certainly see it that way.

However, this already breaks down if one party unilaterally stops having sex. As I've written previously, I believe one only owes their partner fidelity, not celibacy. If one partner stops having sex, the other is automatically morally free to seek it elsewhere. They don't need to beg or discuss.

In this instance, it is clear the sexual aspect of the marriage isn't that important to the OP. She's always had a low sex drive, and hasn't had sex with her husband in over a year.

So now the question is whether she should turn a blind eye to his dalliance, in return for a fulfilling relationship, financial security and stability for her children.

While this is a decision only she can make, I can absolutely see why staying in the marriage might be the right decision for her. She gets all her needs met while the one thing she can't really be bothered doing is sometimes outsourced.

All the other posters who are trying to shame or bully her into leaving, are not taking this into account. Honestly they're probably mostly projecting their own bitterness on the OP.

They're certainly not giving advice based on her best interests. The best proof for that is their language. When you want what's good for someone you don't resort to belittling and nasty language.

I personally would have to walk away. Sounds like he might have a thing for younger women. I also think as it’s happened before, it’s not just one stupid mistake.
i would never be able to get over a partner having an affair (and I don’t think I’d need to.) I’d probs also consider if he only told you because of the close friend (as they were likely to tell you.)
if you do want to stay together, you need couples therapy. Would also advise asking like why did he do it? Was there an actual reason?
but I do think you deserve better than this

Stop making excuses for your disgusting husband [thats what DH should mean in this context] and STOP blaming yourself He chose to have sex with another woman just like he did with you -its his pattern LTB

In your case I'd suggest finding a couples counsellor with experience in ethical non-monogamy.

Generally moving a monogamous relationship to a more open one as a response to cheating is a bad idea because the problem is usually that the cheating person has lied and is difficult to trust. (Or the person cheated on feels compelled to try non-monogamy).

But you're sounding perhaps not that bothered by what he did and it's also maybe different to him seeing one person for months etc. So it's maybe worth thinking about how it'd feel if you were to know he was seeing someone else or how you'd feel about agreeing with him that playing around at parties is ok. Monogamish is worth looking up.

Nobody is entitled to partnered sex. So you not wanting sex doesn't excuse his behaviour.

Also a man in his fifties getting together with a woman in her twenties at a work thing is asking for trouble of the HR variety.

You could:
*Stay as you are - making sure you're in a financially sensible position should you later decide to separate.
*Leave - would be hard now, but maybe better long term
*Renegotiate the rules - agreeing some form of non-monogamy and seeing if he can follow your new agreements.
*Plan to separate when your children are grown up - can you see yourselves together in retirement?

But some time with a couples counsellor might help you both with working this out / tools for communication.

If you are happy for him to have other women in your relationship then that's you, he won't stop. You were the younger other women and now he has another younger than you other woman etc, it's just who he is. His wondering eye for younger won't go away. Non of this is because you didn't have sex, he has a choice to either do his wick . But only you know if you can live with this and him

10 years ago I was in your position. How stupid was I. 2 more affairs followed and each one knocked my confidence even more. Believe me he WILL do it again and by staying with him you are as good as giving him permission to do it. Please have some respect for yourself and your daughters. Ask him to leave and make a life for yourself and I promise you it will be better for you long term.

You are being a mug.

He is behaving like a single man, never mind all this charisma crap, you are making excuses for him. He's a married man and should behave like one.

I understand forgiving him a first time, but if you forgive him again, you are accepting he will cheat in the future.
He knows the pattern, Cheat, you will be upset / narky for a few weeks and then back to normal.

You deserve so much more as do your children.