DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

I also planned to never tell my children their dad had an affair when they were aged 10-14 nor what the reason for the divorce was when they were 18-22. I also never told anyone anything as I didn't want them judging him, judging me if I stayed or giving their opinions.

Now - kids know everything, a few friends know some of it as does his close family though he doesn't know they know, I divorced him. Happier.

You can't control everything so don't make your decision on the basis of whoever never knowing whatever.

I suspect strongly he played you good and proper so that you reassured him the age gap is fine and it's totes okay to have sex with you. Appear to be considerate and respectful when actually he's playing you cruelly.

The strange thing is I don’t think the OP comes across as “devastated” at all.

There can be a lot of very nasty comments on these threads OP.

There are lots of ‘holier than thou’ type posters who seem very confident about how they’d behave in this situation. And lots who like to blame women for everything that happens to them.

i can completely understand not wanting to tear apart family life. Or your lifestyle. My ex-H was a bastard. I’m glad to have him out of my life, but sometimes I do wonder if I’d made it work, then things would’ve been better for our kids.

If your husband is actually sorry and wants to make things better, then it’s ok to make it work if that’s what you want.

it sounds like - at best- your husband has an eye for the ladies and is very easily flattered. This cheating might be only the tip of the iceberg. It’s going to be a constant risk that he cheats again. If you stayed together, could you cope with this?

but don’t stay if it’s only through fear. You are a former model. You are a beautiful woman who could have a happy life without your husband. Your kids could be happy too. And your assets would be split 50/50

Stop making excuses for him, a good dad etc, if he was that good he wouldn't have done it. He's done it before and you forgave him and now he's done it again. Leopards and spots spring to mind. He didn't trip and accidentally stick his d!ick in this woman!! Just ask yourself, if this was your daughter in this position then what would you tell her?

The fact they are married and have kids together means she is financially secure in as far as she would be entitled to a large part of his assets.

it sounds like he is wealthy, so whether she works or not isn’t really relevant. In fact it’s a positive if she’s the main carer for her kids

Why are you on here posting, you should be talking to your husband.

No, they don't always know and sometimes they are grateful that the family didn't cease living together at the time.

This. Have some self respect.

Well if all OP’s did that… there would be no MN!

I think she enjoys her lifestyle more than she cares about him cheating repeatedly. Even so, it would sting that he fucked a woman his daughter's age. That's utterly grim.

It doesn’t matter how op feels about the infidelity because she isn’t in the position of power in this relationship, her husband is. It doesn’t matter how she feels because she’s got everything to lose, not him.
So she can be as ‘chilled’ and ‘skandi’ as she likes about it but that won’t help when he’s replaced op with a younger model and her cash stream dries up.

Maybe - but what is there to enjoy?! Being made a fool of by your ‘DH’ and allowing your children to see this is how they should be treated? Great 👍

Sorry OP, it's most unlikely that this man's flings have all been flung.he has no respect for you at all. Some people can live with thus kind of contempt, others can't. You'll have to decide what you're prepared to put up with.

What ultimation expectation are you hoping to set if you already have access to his phone etc? That you are considering this suggests you don’t trust him as much as you are saying.
I absolutely understand it is your choice alone to make but this is a man who has crossed that line 3 times that you know of which strongly suggests he will again.
Of course he regretted it, particularly as your close friend knew, but I don’t think that changes anything.
I predict you will stay and like I say that is your choice, but you ask for advice and mine is, IF monogamy is important to you, RUN.

I know several people who managed to work past an affair, stay together and have been very happy since, for 30 plus years.. But that was one event, not two. Can you ever trust him again?
Relationships can't work if there is mistrust and anxiety. What about some couples counselling if you both want to really make a go of it? You need to feel safe for the future.

@Tallscandi I’m not sure why you have brushed aside the line “once a cheater always a cheater” when your husband has proved this himself. It’s almost funny.

Also; you say people can change. Sometimes they can, indeed. But…he didn’t change for you back then…he’s NOT going to change for you now.

If you’re going to stay regardless of how many times he inserts his dick inside someone else, you may as well just give him permission. Then you don’t need to get upset? Just a thought.

Sorry but does it not make you feel psychically sick that he is shagging someone else, whilst you are suffering and you say it’s zero
pressure?

You still feel zero pressure to not start having sex with him, even though you must be sickened by what he’s done?

It’s been twice you know about in your relationship …

Maybe I should have said “prepare to resign yourself and lower your expectations time and time again”

If you're asking permission to leave someone who has cheated on you twice that you KNOW of, you don't need it. This won't be the last time and there will always be an excuse- you don't have sex, she threw herself at him etc etc. You decide what you can live with, no-one else

Did he have an affair or a one night stand?

I think it’s easier to get over one night stand than an affair. Generally one night stands aren’t as premeditated as an affair and there is less lying involved. I’m not dismissing it because i think its wrong but I think you can get over a one night stand if you want to.

Have you considered some couples counselling? This might help you to open up a bit with him and also understand his motivations a bit more.
I think that some people are willing to live with infidelity for the other areas of security they feel in the relationship. For me, infidelity would leave me feeling so unstable in a relationship that I could not stay in the relationship. However I think that some people can move past an infidelity if, with the help of couples therapy, they really understood what had led to it happening.
With regards your daughters, and I know this may be painful to hear, they will be picking up something - a look of sadness/anger in your eyes; hushed conversations; their dad looking sheepish/ arriving home and being more/less affectionate. Children always pick up on stuff even if they can’t (there and then) put their finger on what it is. So do consider the impact of their father’s actions on them- on what they expect from relationships.
I think if I were you I would tell my husband that I needed us as a couple to invest in couples therapy for us to understand what was happening in our relationship as well as his infidelities. I think this might help me to come to a decision as to whether I was willing to stay in the relationship. I would also talk to my girls and tell them that things were a bit difficult between mum and dad and that we were going to talk about it with someone; that when stuff is hard between us, we always love them. Some acknowledgment is always better than picking up something is not right but not knowing what it is.

I'm not capable of cheating. That I know. I have had lots of opportunities, didn't even consider it. Surely there are others who are the same way. It's a matter of character.

Yes. That's how it is with the OP I'm afraid.

Well said.