DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

What a Prince among men. And you can say he's not a pervert, but the fact of the matter is he IS. Trying to see if he's 'still got it with the young ladies'. He's a dirty old man, wether you want to admit it or not.

Just a few things that have jumped out at me.

1. He didn’t cheat on you just once. You said a few times that you don’t want to break up your family over one thing. He cheated on you at least twice that you know of.
2. You are not breaking up your family, he is. If he was not happy with your sex life (or lack there of), he should have communicated with you better. Saying that, sexless marriage is not something I’d be happy with either. But that doesn’t mean I’d cheat on my DH. At a very minimum, if you want to stay with him, I’d expect to go to couples counseling.
3. While your daughters are young, I think you are very naive to think they won’t find out about this when they are older.
4. He didn’t tell you or his friend that he cheated out of guilt, she came to him and asked him straight. How sure are you he would actually come clean on his own?
5. As soon as your described him, I thought of lots of directors I worked with in my old industry (media). They were exactly how you described them - older, charming, successful, creative and fun to be around. Majority of them also cheated on their spouses with young colleagues at company events or conferences. Outside of that, they didn’t seem creepy or pervy in their day to day interactions with their staff. It’s not as uncommon as you think and sadly, he is not as special as you describe him.
6. It sounds like you are financially dependent on him. I think that’s why he also knows he can get away with it. If you want to stay with him, at least try to get some financial independence.

Saying all that, no one will live your life for you. If you think he’s cheated twice and will never do that again, or you are okay with him occasionally doing it, then at least consider couples counseling. And maybe also counseling just for you, it might help you process some of your feelings.

You’re trying to justify his actions because you’re not interested in sex, and also said ‘it’s only happened twice’. It shouldn’t even happen once, never mind twice. I feel sad for you as you sound very naive.

I am in the camp of "it is likely to happen again." If you can live with that, and on balance all the good things outweigh that, then all good. However, his next OW (in 10 years time, perhaps) might want him to leave you and if you no longer have kids at home by then he may want to go. I know none of us have a crystal ball and any marriage can fail; it's just this one is at higher risk than one that doesn't have infidelity and a track record of infidelity. That's all.

I did vote yabu, but I do completely understand why you want to stay. It’s easy from an outside perspective to say leave.

Based on what you are describing him as I do think it would happen again. I personally find it really gross that you were just 23 when you met. You are now the age he was when you met, would you be able to sleep with a 23 year old now? I think that says a lot about him. The fact that he did it with you then to you says a lot.

At the same time, if I found my husband had slept with someone else I don’t think I could leave him. We have a 2 year old and I do really love him. But maybe I’d feel differently if it actually happened because I don’t know how I’d feel unless it did.

If you chose to stay I would make a promise to yourself to leave if it does happen again. If your children were to find out you are telling them that it is behaviour to accept.

Don’t make excuses up for him either. So you have had much sex. And?? We’ve had stints where I couldn’t or didn’t want to have sex due to medical issues or postpartum. Not once would I expect him to find it elsewhere because of it.

Some therapy may help whatever you decide. It’s a difficult decision to make but you are the one that has to live with it.

You have to decide what you are prepared to accept in your marriage. It doesn’t matter what others would do.
Don’t live in a fantasy land that “it won’t happen again” or tie yourself in knots to change yourself or blame yourself for his actions. He has shown you who he is, yes he’s all the nice things, but he’s also a man who will sleep with someone else if the opportunity arises. He’s done it more than once, when things aren’t even strained between you, it’s very likely he’ll do it again if the opportunity arises.
Can you live with that? Can you accept that’s who he is & you’ll just have to turn a blind eye when needed? Is that acceptable providing he comes back to you & you can keep your lifestyle? If you could live happily like this, then stay with him.

If on the other hand, you’d need constant reassurances & be looking for signs & trying to change yourself so he wouldn’t be tempted again, then you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.

You are very naive if you think there’s a middle ground where he suddenly sees the light & changes who he is. (He will of course say all the right things to make you believe he won’t do it again, but he’s already proved those promises mean nothing)

Op, without wishing to hurt you and based on my own experience - a person being unfaithful a second time is a lifestyle choice.

You deserve way more than this kind of treatment and if you don’t move on to a new life now, you’ll wake up one day when in your 50’s and have to do it then.

Your husband’s behaviour is not going to change.

Some of my friends stayed with their cheating husbands until the kids were off to uni. I understand why they did it but I don’t know how they managed. It is a huge sacrifice. And in each case I think the kids would have been better off if they had split earlier. Somehow kids always know what’s going on.

Sees the light and what? Decides to remain celibate? The OP isn't having sex, yet wants the trappings of marriage and a stable relationship to someone who is a good husband/provider and good father.

Seemingly, so does he. So what would you suggest? That she throws everything away because he found elsewhere what she doesn't want to give anyway?

I'm not advocating this as a choice but it's clear that you're still raw, blindsided and afraid. I get it - I've done it myself years ago but much much happier without XH now and so are my kids. You're not ready to hear the 'nasty' and in fact it's driving you back towards him.

So stay if it suits you now but definitely get the advice of a good solicitor about financials because there's a very good chance that he'll leave you at some point in the future.
Even if he puts assets in your name, they're an asset of the marriage I think and might be included in any divorce settlement. Prepare for a future where he waltzes off with someone else and gets very nasty about money. If that does happen, you're prepared and if it doesn't happen, no harm done.

You really need to have your head screwed on straight if you're going to stay with this man as he's a serial cheater. Think of it as a business arrangement and don't expect love/fidelity/any of those marriage vows.

How it will affect your children you can't say at the moment but it will affect them. Be prepared for that too.

And under no circumstances have sex with him unless he can show you a full battery of clear STI tests (sorry).

It sounds to me as though you think you are lucky to have him. Do take off those rosey coloured spectacles to see him for what he truly is...Just a cheat!!

Do you honestly want to live your life looking over your shoulder all the time wondering who or when his next conquest will be?

How could you value yourself so little...Do you not think this way of life will not only destroy any self confidence you have left or eventually break you when he trades you in for a younger model.

If it were me, I'd get out now while I was still young enough to find someone that values and respects me enough to not even contemplate anyone else. Please see your own worth!

You don't want to leave him. So you have to find a way to live with it.

It has given us all the Ick , OP, to hear about a 52 year old man having an affair with a 29 year old - despite having a young ex model 37 year old wife. Despite you trying to convince us his handsomeness gives him some right.

You going off sex for a year after an emotional miscarriage doesnt make it okay - he should have talked to you about how difficult the lack of sex was for him and given you the chance to fix it or agree to open up the marriage under certain terms and conditions

this sounds like an unequal marriage - the age gap, the fact that he makes all the money, the fact that you wanted a fourth kid , it just sounds like a lot of overcompensation on both sides - two people of fairly the same ages and directions in life, working together as a partnership to build their careers, home and bring up their kids together - that sounds so simple and elegant to me, doesnt it to you ?

dont you feel the ick towards him now that he had sex with a 29 y o ? at the very least you get to have a couple of affairs too - maybe its only him thats turning you off sex at an age when women hit their sexual peak (34-39) - what do you get in return for turning a blind eye to this recent transgression or forgiving it?

Cos if his argument is that he makes the money - well he got an ex model 15 years younger than him to give up her career to bear his kids during her prime career years ? I would explore whether you really still feel attracted to him sexually anymore and leave to find someone you are attracted to if thats the case that you arent.

Honestly? He had his fun — maybe it's your turn now. Let a young lad hang out the back of you for once and enjoy your damn life. You’ve spent years being loyal, raising kids, holding things together. He stepped out of line, so why not remind yourself what it feels like to be wanted, really wanted by someone who doesn’t see you as the background to their ego trip.

Hello. I have been in this situation. We had 2 kids aged 7 & 5. I did not break up the family. Everything else was perfect, so I tried to keep everything together. Unfortunately, he kept doing the same thing when he was drunk. I waited for him to change, but he didn't. About 4 years later, a guy I was chatting to in a club suddenly kissed me, and it was my light bulb moment. I left him shortly after that. My H went on to have more relationships after me, and cheated on every woman. I, on the other hand met my now husband, who has never behaved like this, thankfully!

So my advice would be to just do nothing, until you suddenly feel compelled to do something. You will most likely have a light bulb moment like me. You'll probably meet someone when you're, say 40, maybe someone at work, and you'll like him, and because your husband has already broken the marriage vows, it won't seem like a big deal for you to do the same.

In the meantime, go out with girlfriends, flirt a little, let him have a little think about what's at stake. Because I don't think he appreciates that at all right now. He knew that having sex with the 29 y/o could mean he lost you and his family, and he thought fuck it, and he did it anyway. You should be raging!

Let’s say in 5 years time you hit 42/43 and you look good but his penchant for young women intensifies. He meets another junior at work and this time she has a good mind or they connect for whatever reason. He falls in love and the kids are a bit older so he doesn’t hesitate to jump ship. You are left alone with 3 teenage daughters and by now in your 40’s with more complex dating prospects and maybe you get an okay settlement but you don’t have the financial security ? Or maybe you do ?

How are you feeling in this scenario ? Would you rather start dating and being single now or in 5 years ? Would you not mind ? Would you be resentful ?

You say you want to settle but how will your future self feel if he’s not around to grow old with ? Will you look back on your life as a waste in the sense of love ?

I think you can easily make your children your purpose or find hobbies in later life . Nothing at all wrong with that, I think it’s more about whether you’re okay with not having a strong marriage and one that might not necessarily last the distance ? financially will you be okay ? What if he gets the next one pregnant & he might because he’s wealthy & young women in love are less cautious if they know they’ll be looked after.

It’s tricky and it’s throwing away your life on someone really. You could raise your children comfortably and find true love instead.

Another one here who's been in your position. XH had cheated in every relationship he had before we got married. I thought he'd be different with me.

I thought once a cheater, always a cheater, was just for Rachel in Friends.

He was a good man, husband, dad, pillar of the community etc.

And he was faithful for the first 10 years. But then...

Like you, I didn't want to break up the family, so I stayed through the first 2 times during the following 10 years. His remorse and sorrow convinced me he was going to change his behaviour. But he didn't.

The difference being we were still having sex. A lot. You aren't.

I think a PP nailed it. If everything else is rosy for you as a family, are you ok with him being unfaithful? He has shown you who he is. Only you can decide.

If you decide you are, what does that look like? ONS only? FWB? Do you want to know about future liaisons or not? Are you happy for them to be seen together out and about? What if you decide you'd like to start a sexual relationship again? Just some of the questions you'll need to agree together.

A lot of people decide to stay in this set up and turn a blind eye to the sex outside the marriage. I couldn't, but that's me. Only you can decide what is best for you. Suffice to say, it's really not as black and white as several posters here are painting it to be.

All the best reaching your decision.

What concerns me is that it seems like you think this is the best life can offer you and the best you can get.

You could probably find a new husband that loved you truly, was faithful & loved your children & also desperately wanted more with you.

I think life should be about trying to find the above or at least hoping for that. Extinguishing that dream isn’t living, it’s settling for a man who cheats & a relationship that seems happy on the surface. Only you can know if your relationship is 2D and if it truly makes you happy. You could try counselling.

If you’re financially set up then I think it’s sad you wouldn’t want to even bother trying for a happier life.

Maybe you can be happy living on the surface, burying affairs and not dredging things and going through life like that. I mean it truly, maybe you can be happy like that ! Only you know the answer to that.

I'm another who found out that my father was unfaithful. It happened when I was about 12, after I looked his email and shopping history online. My mother was unaware -- I was too scared to reveal what I'd seen and the worry of it was really quite consuming. I eventually did tell her when I was in my late teens... and she didn't leave him. I then basically went no contact with them for several years, until she sadly got diagnosed with a terminal illness. Such a waste of a life.

Not saying this would play out in the same way as my 'D' F is a shit in ways that hopefully go beyond what your husband is capable of, but don't underestimate the ability of a child to overhear/intuit/be nosy. And you wouldn't necessarily know that they know.

Sorry but this is absolute tosh. She isn't having sex with her husband. Her choice, not his.

I can guarantee she won't find someone else who loved her etc but was willing to enter into a sexless marriage.

Thank you so much everyone. To update you, I just want to say I definitely am considering my.options, having also spent some time speaking with a trusted and open-minded friend in addition to this thread . I'm going to organise myself legally just in case, and will set out my case more clearly to DH.

Re flirting - although I'm not going to have an affair, I certainly do get some attention from men my age - in their 30s - which I usually just brush off. It might be nice to remember those options!

@Globules

Whether or not you are having sex with your partner is the key difference. If you're not, and you're not looking to change, turning a blind eye to the odd stepping out isn't the end of the world.

But if you are having sex, the base of marriage is exclusivity, so of course you can't ignore cheating.

I feel like the quality of life you have and how stable he is by supporting you with your unstable career is the main reason you want to stay in the marriage.
I truly think that means more to you than being hurt over and over by him not being faithful.

I personally couldn’t stay with someone who even had one affair… let alone how many he’s had.

I also couldn’t have a baby with someone who didn’t want a baby as much as me (unfair to the child above anything else)

I feel that just because you don’t want to have sex/can’t have sex right now because of your miscarriage that isn’t a reason or excuse for him to sleep with someone other than his partner ever.

I feel you both need marriage counselling about his unfaithfulness and about sex in the relationship.
Some couples are happy for their partner to seek sex outside of their relationship (I could never) but maybe that’s an option seeing as you don’t seem so cut up about him sleeping with someone else?

Do you think he would have told you if his colleague?/your close friend didn’t know/work it out?

I do believe you deserve better. I do believe you could be independent and stable and live without him and not need him for that great quality of life. I also believe your kids will be fine.

I couldn’t see my partner as my best friend after cheating on me twice… that’s just me.

OP, another perspective.

My parents' marriage is/was very similar to yours in many ways, apart from the age difference - my parents are the same age.

My mum was (still is!) very beautiful and also a model. My dad was (still is!) very handsome and charming. They had children young. My dad is a very sensual and charismatic man and despite how gorgeous my mum is, he had many affairs throughout my childhood. My mum forgave him umpteen times and my parents are now in their seventies and still together - and happy - most of the time!

This would make it seem that it's a situation that can work, but for me and my siblings, it has complicated our relationships with our parents. They were and are great parents, we love them dearly and as adults we understand there are many ways to conduct a marriage, but when you're a child, you don't - and children pick up on these things and it's a very unsettling environment for them to be in. We often felt angry and sad for our mum, angry at our dad, and angry at both of them for not being able to have a 'proper' marriage like our friends' parents. And we all still feel some resentment towards them for putting us through that.

So - even though you still love him and feel you can forgive him - just be aware what effect this kind of dysfunctional relationship can have on your daughters. They will find out. And you can't control how they will feel about it.

I'm So Sorry he didn't have decency to let you know he wasn't single when you 1st Met him
This is immensely low as of course, is cheating on you