DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

This was what I wanted to say, and it has been put so much more eloquently than I am capable of.

Only you can decide if you want to stay with someone who you know will cheat on you.

Did he buy you off put money in your name after either affair? Or in anticipation of you finding out?
If you want to stay with him because he funds your lifestyle, you can do so. You don't need to try and justify your acceptance of his lack of respect for you and your willingness to accept it to keep that financial support. Just don't kid yourself for one second that your daughters will not know. Even if they don't know specifics, they will be influenced/affected at some point 🤷‍♀️

OP, there's a few things in your post and replies that just do seem a bit naive at your age.

Firstly the emphasis on his attractiveness and charisma, which are irrelevant to his infidelity- you don't really think that everyone who stays faithful just hasn't had enough opportunity to cheat, do you?

Adults make decisions to resist temptation because protecting their relationships is more important. I know it's hard but you've got to take a hard look at the situation: the reality is, he had a choice in that moment, and he didn't choose you and his family. Why not?

Secondly, you do seem extraordinarily unwilling to accept that your children will become adults and work things out for themselves, whether or not others tell them first. Kids go on to have relationships and life experiences of their own that mean the penny ultimately drops- whether it's infidelity or something worse.

They may even ask you outright one day-Mum, was Dad always faithful? Will you be ready to tell them a bald-faced lie? Not easy.

The reality is you seem to have accepted this behaviour for now- as long as he feels bad and tells you he loves you- so there's no point putting more conditions in place because you're unlikely to stick to them.

All I can say is I hope you take the time to think carefully about exactly what you do intend to do if (when?) it happens again, and go from there.

oh absolutely that is the case, he got sloppy this time and thought if he fesses up before the friend spills all the details, shell believe his sob story "it was a one off", "i was drunk" ' "it meant nothing"......give it a few weeks and he'll be "working late" again. it doesnt really set much of an example to to their daughters in what to expect from a man or how they should be treated in a relationship

All I can say is my personal experience: I had an ex who cheated on me. He "confessed" but with hindsight, it was done on a work night out, with lots of people who could potentially report back to me or my friends. He came to me sobbing, begging forgiveness etc., it was the alcohol. Yadada.

Stupidly, I forgave him. A couple of years later, he had another ONS, same spiel, alcohol, so upset, crying, begging etc. Fortunately, that time, it was the beginning of the end.

What I didn't know then, but know now, is that he had other ONS. I can't say how many, but some of it came out in dribs and drabs as they realised that we were seriously done this time, friends of friends who he'd hit on, colleagues who told me how happy they were I'd got rid. Acquaintances who seen him out in bars snogging someone else but had felt we weren't close enough to tell me.

He'd been cheating the whole time and the only time he'd confessed was when he knew it was going to get back to me.

I felt small. It really made me feel small and less.

He only told you because a close friend was there not because he wanted to tell you . He’s definitely done this more times than you know and he will carry on as you are enabling it!! And constantly making excuses for him!

You don't need to decide straight away. Maybe take time to open communications and listen to each other. What are your boundaries and what do you want in future relationship. What does H want? If it is a committed marriage you can work on that. If trust can't be rebuilt or you feel too insecure you can leave for whatever reason. Also maybe start to put yourself first and get more independent. This is then a win win. It doesn't sound like a deep emotional connection but clearly there were steps H should take to avoid in future. It may be you can't get past this or it may be as a couple you can. There's a lot of judgement on here.

A good father wouldn't cheat on their mother. (probably multiple times)

He sounds like a right creep.

That you know of. Ironically, you're fine with insinuating the OP's husband has cheated many times behind her back, yet you're absolutely certain nothing could happen behind yours?

This

You sure know how to pick 'em.

Mumsnet hates several things, and you've ticked a number of boxes: men, stable relationships, women who claim their partners are good fathers, women who don't break up their relationships at the slightest hurdle, OPs who don't do as they're told.

The nastiness is to be expected.

@Tallscandi

If you want to stay, stay. But do so with the knowledge that you can give him 'ultimatums' and 'set expectations' until the cows come home, but if when he wants to cheat again, he will. To him, monogamy is optional and he already knows you'll let him get away with it. So you'll have to learn to live with suspicion and mistrust about what who he's actually doing when he isn't right under your nose. Just remember that cheating is a deliberate decision on his part. No one cheats 'by accident'. And "I was drunk" is the biggest bullshit excuse there is. If he really was 'too drunk to know what he was doing' chances are he'd have been too drunk to 'perform'.

If you do decide to stay, if I were you I'd start doing whatever I needed to do to become financially independent. Get a degree, a qualification. If you already have one, brush up on it so as to be marketable.

Then go to work full time. Cheating men often decide that the grass is greener and leave for a younger woman. I know, you're only in your 30s, but his recent shag was in her 20s. As you get older, they'll keep being younger. My point is you want to know that 'if the worst happens' you will, at least, be OK.

'once a cheater always a cheater' - I honestly have not come across this in real life particularly"

Let's circle back to this. Not only have you come about it in real life, it IS your real life.

Stay where you are. Sounds as if you have a nice comfortable life. Why would you walk away from this.

Hi OP just to give the other side of the coin on ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ my husband had an affair and I decided to stay, that was 35 years ago and he has never done it again, we have had a very happy life.
I agree sometimes you have to think very deeply about the implications of breaking up if you do have essentially have a happy home.
The fact he had sex with another woman doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, life, feelings, the actual sex act is much more complicated than that. I think a lot of marriages break up that could have survived happily.
It is the done thing on here by the majority to dive in with LTB, it’s not that simple.

I just mean - I really haven't heard it in 'real life'- and I do believe that this could have just happened twice in our relationship - it's hard enough for me to deal with the facts than to go into unproven hypotheticals too

Because he was almost certainly trade op in for a younger model (like he did to his previous partner when op and he got together) and then she’ll be fucked. Women who think their partner will ‘look after them’ in the event of a divorce are living in cloud cuckoo land.

If you choose to turn a blind eye to this then you will need to have regular STD tests. But I would gain some self worth.

Why did he tell you ? It doesn’t make sense, unless this was an ongoing affair, & the woman or somone was going to spill the beans.

if you remain the sad cuckold wife it will happen again. You know this.
So be ready for him to leave at some point, when you are aging & he wants young fresh meat.
At which time you will divorce, your daughters will look at you in horror/pity when they discover their Dad is a serial cheat.

So he has now cheated on you twice and you still haven't left him?! Sorry but after the first time you should have kicked him to the kerb all you've done is show him he can play away and you'll let him get away with it

Thank you very much. We honestly do have a happy home - we're close and spend a lot of time together as a family, my DH runs his own business so cam be flexible etc. I absolutely am not minimising , I am.angry with him, but I can also see that he does love us and he does not want to break up the family. If we did divorce, he would still try to see the girls as much as possible.

Working in modelling and then having three children quite quickly (and fairly young), plus being very sensually harassed over the years, and having a miscarriage, I think i have lost interest in sex. I would say he has been understanding and supportive of this - there has been zero pressure from.him for me to 'hurry up' or change. However I know he does want to more, and it is very important to him in his life. I' not saying that's a good reason exactly to go find it elsewhere , but it is something I'm reflecting on.

You're crazy if you think this is the only time he's done it. Or that it was just one time with this woman.

Plenty of women stay with cheating partners. Particularly women married to very successful men. That's your situation now. Decide if you want to stay, but he won't be faithful.

You’ve made up your mind to stay so why are you here?

There’s no magical middle ground between leaving and staying, it’s a question of how much you value monogamy and you’ve answered that already that you don’t find a ONS unforgivable so there you go.

Everyone getting angry and upset on your behalf have just lived this already and they’re telling you what they wish they’d done and giving you advice they wished they’d listened to when they were younger. But nobody will get you to see something your mind isn’t open to and your mind is closed to seeing his behaviour as serial cheating behaviour, toxic, unforgivable and only going to end in tears whether today or next year or in 10 years.

Think of how many chances he had to say no to this other woman and choose you and his daughters. And he didn’t. And not even for “love” or whatever but literally for one night’s sexual gratification. Now think of the imbalance between what you’re willing to do for your family (overlook disrespect and infidelity) when he wasn’t even willing to keep his dick to himself for your family….

If you are upset or dissatisfied with something in your relationship, you talk about it. You don't stick your dick in other people. It erodes the trust in the relationship.

@Tallscandi only you can decide how you want to move forward. After all is your life. But, i would bet money on you being back here at some point because he's done it again. Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern of behaviour.