DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

He’s not ‘charismatic’ he’s just a big sleaze. I couldn’t remain with him. I’d be kicking his fat, middle aged arse out of the door

OP, I’m generally very anti cheating, and my first marriage was devastated by my DH having an affair.

However, I’m really not picking up from you any intense distress about this incident. Rather, it feels more like you want permission to be not as appalled as you worry you should be.

it is for you and your DH to decide what your boundaries are and for you to decide what your happiest life could look like and pursue that. You don’t need the go ahead from anyone.

I would encourage you to:

1. Be Realistic…. As I think deep down you are, that your man is serially unfaithful by nature, and by staying together after the third instance of his dealing dishonestly in your relationship, you are accepting this behaviour and it is likely to recur in some form. If you would find it truly unacceptable for it to recur, resulting in you leaving, then be aware that the older you are when that happens the more of your life will have been lost to this man and the harder it will be to find a new partner, live an amazing new life etc….. the only rational reason to delay would be to get the children grown up, but only if you can be happy and let go of the anger and distress in the meantime. Growing up in an unhappy house is horrible.

However, if you realize it is deep down somewhat acceptable to you for unfaithfulness to recur, then, you want to:

1. Really understand what you could accept and what not. As I said, I don’t sense the visceral distress people normally feel at cheating…and you do express quite an objective assessment of ‘pros and cons’ around the relationship. So you may be quite well suited to reassessing the ‘deal’ between you. There is absolutely nothing wrong, if it suits you, to decide you have different boundaries to a traditional marriage. There is a lot more dignity to this, than pretending to have strict boundaries that keep getting bent out of shape. So….think about what distresses you and what doesn’t. Are there boundaries you can see yourself content with, and what would the benefits for you be? What would the requirements for permissions or transparency be? How does he need to be treating you in order to be earning those boundaries? Can you envisage leading a content life, that’s better than any alternative, and has dignity and is not fueling anger and insecurity, along these boundaries?

3.Discuss and agree with your husband. While you say you have no interest in pursuing an open marriage for yourself, I would by the way, make very clear that your boundaries are expanding in mirror to his. It feels MUCH better to have the same rights as him, and choose not to use them- than to have something unequal and unfair. And frankly, it might be interesting to see if you might, in time, become interested. It would help, at very least, to keep him on his toes for making sure your relationship with him is rich and satisfying.

You’re making a hell of a lot of excuses for him considering he’s cheated on you multiple times…

Most people wouldn't stay but it's up to you what you do.

Just be realistic in terms of what you are putting up with.

1. lack of trust- you can't trust him anymore
2. lack of certainty- you only know what you know, there may be other woman too
3. potential half siblings for your children- rich, charismatic, older man- I predict an unexpected pregnancy in his future (it happens so often)
4. the heightened risk that he leaves you when suits him (I always think it's better do it first on your own terms).

Totally your call but try take offthe rose tinted glasses & see it for what it is, not what you wish it was.

It's never a problem when a woman posts about shagging a younger man, affair or not.

you might never tell them, but they might still find out, especially if he ever does it again. A vindictive ex with an ax to grind might send a message. I feel like you see this kind of thing often enough on mumsnet. But tbh as they get older, they won’t be blind. I remember my friend snooped on her dads phone when we were teenagers because she had a vibe things were off with her parents. She found confusing messages to a younger colleague. People have instincts, other people gossip. Also, one day you might not feel like protecting his image any more. You might feel like telling people about him, if he does it again. Which he might.

Personally, I think OP is bonkers.

The moment you met him as the OW, he did not respect you. And this has carried its way throughout your relationship.

He cheated on you 10 years ago, and again recently. And these are the times you know about. There could be other times he has not made you aware of.

He doesnt respect you or your marriage. He doesnt love his children as much as you think he does if he disrespects their mother and puts his family at risk of breaking up.

Unfortunately, I think at this stage, because he has already been let away with this a few times, he will just do it again in the future.

Its up to you on whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a husband who has affairs.

Personally, I would break up, but stay amicable and co parent your children together.

you are naive to think your daughters will never know and that he wont do it again he only told you because of the mutual friend

but you like your life so carry on

As you've decided to stay sadly I think it's a matter of time before he leaves for a 20 something. Your daughter's may be running their own home, even have DC and he'll rock up in his sports car with a woman the same age. You need to start saving for a little nestegg, go to Uni or start a career so that you can support yourself when needed, even if he doesn't leave, it's always good to have savings. Do you have a pension?

I know a man who is chronically unfaithful to his wife, but dedicated to being a good husband and father.

Huh? How on earth can someone who is "chronically unfaithful" be dedicated to being a good husband?!?!? 😂

I understand your reasons for wanting to stay with him, especially the financial implications, but look at your daughters and ask how you'd react if their partner had had 2 affairs/flings?

Once is a mistake. After that, it's a choice.

If you're choosing to stay with DH then that's your choice but you shouldn't have to put rules and implications in place when, ultimately, the one rule is don't f*ck around. It's not difficult to not have sex with someone.

I think the biggest issue here is that you seem to think that the ball is in your court. It’s very much not. You aren’t financially secure and are with a man who has proven himself unable to be faithful and who has a track record of leaving a current partner for someone else.

You will be replaced in the future. You need to think about how you’re going to look after yourself when that happens.

He will 100% cheat on you again. But you might be okay with that and you appear to have decided that it's almost inevitable because of his personality.
I suspect he's done it many times and you only found out this time becuase your mutual friend guessed.

To add some perspective...My DH is a similar age to yours and I'm younger ( only 10 years so not the same age gap you have). My DH is good looking and in great shape. He looks much younger than his age and is very charming and chatty. He also works in a female dominated profession.
He has never cheated on me.

Sadly I have to agree with this, this was about him being caught, not about feeling bad about it. I'm sure there will have been others and he's not been caught out.

For your own mental and quite literally physical health, walk away with your head held high.

OP... Everyone will have diffent opinions but the only one that really matters is yours. There will always be someone who thinks you're doing the wrong thing. It's your life and you should do what makes you happy. It sounds like you love him and want to forgive him.

I have no advice for you OP but he seems to have a thing for younger women and that is how you got him in the first place so I guess he does not see any problem with his behaviour.

So what you're saying, he is a serial cheat and you keep hoping this is going to change?

You're naive and you deserve better. It's better to be lonely and independent, than to be satisfied and walked over.

Wow. First time I've seen "not being able to open up emotionally" and "falling into other women's vaginas with his penis" compared as equal personality flaws.

Good luck - you'll need it.

Also regarding people telling kids that one of their parents cheated - this happens all the time.

I know one occasion where the wife's sister hated her ex BIL so much she did it to spite him and turn the kids against him. And another where another girl (teenager) from school told them because she heard her parents talking about it (family friends).

Stay in touch, OP. I think we’re all pretty confident how this will turn out but I hope we’re all wrong.

Be honest, it's the money, isn't it, which is making you consider not kicking his butt out of the door 🤔

so its not the 1st time he has cheated......then i doubt very much it will be the last, if you forgive him AGAIN, he's going to carry on regardless because he knows you'll forgive him, once a cheat always a cheat.

i was thinking the same, i wonder if she would stay if he was on minimum wage

Why are you being so laid back about a husband's infidelity, it's awful the ways he's treating you.

OP I think you need therapy for yourself, Im not sure how you can have a belief that the marriage can be salvaged despite all of his infidelity, you are making excuses for him. You need to take a step back and get help to see more clearly.

Yeah and as someone else pointed out he probably only came clean about it because a close friend witnessed it, it was probably a "you tell her or I will" type of a situation for him. I'd bet money he's cheated more than the 2 OP knows about