DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

I’m glad I know…things make more sense. I’m not glad that my mum cheated!

You don’t think your kids will EVER find out? At 25? 35? 45? They won’t be children forever, and the need to “protect” them will no longer be an issue.

And FYI, I know that two of my BILs (one on each side of the family) had siblings whose wives cheated on them. Word spreads—and I’m not closely related to either woman, but I know very intimate details.

Would you encourage your daughters to stay in a marriage like this OP?

You keeps saying he loves you, and I'm sure this is what he tells you, but if he actually loved (and respected) you he wouldn't be willing to throw everything away for a quick fuck.

I really am thinking about this. Firstly, I would want to support them no matter what. Secondly, I would try to help them trust their own judgement. I would make sure they would be financially independent etc (which they will be because of their father). But also I an still not sure if I would advise them to throw everything away on the basis of one act. However, if they were with a cruel and abusive partner, I would obviously tell them to leave immediately.

Having seen a family like this, all four kids found out when teenagers. As the family had money and looked ‘perfect’ from the outside, I think one of them was told out of sheer jealousy around their lifestyle.
Apart from one, all the other kids have struggled with adult relationships. The son did better, the three daughters were devastated when finding out that dear daddy was sleeping with girls who weren’t much older than them.
They all wished their mum had thrown him out when she first found out.
And they realised there had been a sadness in her which they got to recognise.
If you think he can do this indefinitely, and not get found out, you are being naive.
Even with access to his info he still slept with a young woman of 29.
At some point the women he picks will be the same age as your children.

OP, it feels like you’re trying to unring a bell. It’s been rung. Twice.

I read the other day that most affairs are never discovered by partners. So how are you sure it's not more than twice? You don't, and it's likely he's done this more. He's only confessed because your friend was witness to it... I'm guessing.

Nothing to do with adults gossiping.

They could hear their Dad on the phone to another woman. They could see something on social media. They could see messages on his phone. They could hear something through a friend. They could hear the two of you having a conversation.

Another one here who found out things I shouldn't have known as a teenager and it wasn't through any sort of gossip.

It's not one act though is it? It's two. But you seem to have cancelled the other infidelity out due to it not being recent. As others have said, there has probably been more in between but he's just managed to keep those hidden.

Anyway I don't think anyone's comments on here are going to be taken onboard by the OP - you are clearly burying your head in the sand. I will wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out as you want it to.

I was with a man like this for the best part of a decade. We split up more than 25 yrs ago. He has carried on the same way with a wife and 3 kids and is now living with one of his affair partners. Its who he is, he was never going to escape this pattern of behavior.

If you can genuinely tolerate it for the sake of the marriage and because he is so charismatic etc, I would say stick with it. But if it is going to destroy you slowly from the inside out, then I would suggest trying to separate.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CtzOS8xIZcV/?igsh=aWd6bmhtMmRrd3px

You’re basically saying “keep paying for my lifestyle and I will turn a blind eye to you shagging other people”.

There will be future affairs,and in all likelihood he will leave you for a younger model in 10 years or so. Leaving you somewhat shipwrecked

OP, you've had a wide range of opinions. And people will often get annoyed when you don't agree with them.

OP you clearly want to stay and don't want to be talked out of it. That's totally fine. It's your life. It's not even your daughters lives. People want to pretend things are black and white and they just aren't. Nothing is perfect. Overall it sounds like you all have a good life and are happy. That is worth something.

He might cheat again, you can't ever know. He also might not.

Just do what feels right for you. You can always change your mind later. That's okay too. Good luck

Also despite what some posters are saying, you sound perfectly intelligent and rational.

What sort of ultimatum/expectation are you hoping to set and how would you enforce it?

He’s not going to stop having affairs. He’s been cheating on you and previous partners for years with much younger women. He’s not going to stop because you keep putting up with it. It’s that simple.

I think you’re also kidding yourself if you believe that a) all these women throw themselves at him and b) that there aren’t more you don’t know about.

If you want to stay with him, stay with him. But don’t imagine things will change.

I too don't think these things are just black and white. There are lots of shades in between.

It very much sounds as though you wish to continue in your marriage and that's fine and your decision if you can cope with the lack of trust.

I do think that once somebody has cheated they do have a tendency to do so again and yours is a classic case in point. You already know of three occasions when he has cheated and there may well be many others.

I know of a handful of men who have been "players" all their lives. Sometimes very low key but nevertheless they are not faithful. Their wives turn a blind eye and enjoy their lifestyles but underneath they must always feel on edge.

If you are happy to stay and try and work through things I would suggest that you try and gain some financial independence as who knows what the future may hold. He may have another fling that leads to something more serious and he may want to leave in the future for a younger model.

If you feel the uncertainty is outweighed by your family set up and standard of living then perhaps that's a balance you are prepared to accept. Only you know what you can live with and what you can't.

is there a chance he only told you because mutual friend knew and there was a risk you would find out from them?

Thank you - I really am reading and thinking and appreciate everyone's comments so much. However, it would be very rash to announce immediately that I'm leaving straightaway - it's just not who I am. Nonetheless I really am grateful for all the viewpoints. I've only tried to correct a few points factually.

The other thing that strikes me from your comments about being a former model and your username of "Tallscandi" suggests that you are a striking women who I should imagine is very attractive indeed.

It is rather sad that your older husband isn't content to be married to a rather lovely woman who sounds intelligent and gorgeous, but feels the need and desire to sleep with other women even though he has a fabulous wife and lovely children.

This does tell you something about his personality however unpalatable it might appear. There would be other men who would thank their lucky stars every day to be in such a lucky position. They wouldn't risk what they had at home.

Totally agree.....but then some people just don't listen....and we ALL know that they will have a very usable and unhappy future....this man is a dick

I know a man who is chronically unfaithful to his wife, but dedicated to being a good husband and father. Imho he gives everyone crumbs, and is neurotically invested in having a packed food cupboard, as it were. You sound as though you love your husband. Loving someone is a gift. If you love him despite his sexscapade, then carry on! Some people have open marriages, more just turn a blind eye.

You do know that although today he came back and confessed and still wanted you to stay, next time he might fall in love with the ONS and he will not give you the same consideration as you’re giving him, he will leave with her and you’ll be the one picking up the pieces.

You don’t even seem angry and it blows my mind!

He's cheated on you twice already and you were basically a side piece at the beginning of your relationship and you make excuses for him because he's just so irresistible? Obviously your choice but it wouldn't be for me, I respect myself

Don't you mean 2 acts?

My sister has an old man husband who cheats on her. It’s flings, not long term affairs. Mainly from work. She puts up with it because she loves him and thinks he’s charismatic and charming and all that bullshit.

We all see him for what he is. A sleazy old skank. I’m glad they have no daughters. His only saving grace is that at 30 years older than her, he will drop dead first and my sister can live off his money. That and the fact he gets us great Christmas gifts. You and these young, naive women think he’s charming, but most people will see him for the weasel he is and pity you.