DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

I don't judge you at all for staying with him, but you are very naive to trust him still. Of course he will always be a cheater. You should accept that your marriage is a one sided open marriage is all I'm saying.

I don't think the OP is suggesting she will necessarily trust him again, just that she would prefer to keep the family together.

Cheat on him and see how he likes it !

Your husband likes younger women. Sorry OP. It is likely to get worse.

I’d be lining my ducks up.

I know someone who, in his late 40s, left his wife and kids for a woman in her late 20s. Marriage and two kids later, he left his second wife for another woman in her late 20s. Had more kids. He’s almost 80 now and hopefully too exhausted to do that again!

'For the sake of the family' never works. The woman is destroyed by the lies and pretence and the life-long blow to her self worth. The kids find out as they grow older and feel a huge burden that their mum sacrificed herself for their sake. They grow resentful and angry towards both parties. They sense the unhappiness in the house as they're growing up, even if they don't understand it . It's such a fallacy that you're hiding it from them.

What damn difference does who pursued who make? If someone man propositioned you, would you be incapable of saying no? Even if you'd had a drink?

I don't think there's any point in giving any further advice, all you want to hear is: yes, forgive your shitbag, sleezeball husband.

If that's what you want to do, that fine, but you don't need random strangers' permission to do that, it's your life after all.

You are so deep in denial and making excuses for him, you can't see the truth. Maybe one day you will or maybe never at all. That's on you.

He honestly doesn't have a habit of pursuing / flirting with younger women - he was quite uneasy about being in a relationship with me when I was in my 20s and he was older - at that time I reassured him about it.

He clearly isn't that uneasy about it if he has recently slept with another woman in her 20s when he is now in his 50s.

Hopefully in 10 years time when your eldest daughter gets hit on by her 50-something boss, he will be understanding about it.

I'm just somewhat taken aback by the intensity of belief in the idea 'once a cheater always a cheater'

He hasn't made a one off mistake. He's done this to you more than once. This isn't a one off error of judgement. This is a pattern of behaviour.

Some people cheat. Some people cheat repeatedly. However, it's not inevitable. You have to make a lot of micro decisions to cheat. He chose right drink. He chose to flirt. He chose to engage with her rather than shut it down. He chose to go to a quiet place. He chose to kiss her. He chose to unbutton his / her clothes. He chose to touch her intimately. At any point he could have walked away but he chose to fuck her. This isn't a mistake or an error of judgement. This is lots of choices.

His need to be desired. His ego. His sexual satisfaction. It was all more important than you, your relationship, your trust, your loyalty and the life you have built together. He chose to risk it all. That demonstrates how much he loved and values you and the life you have together. It wasn't worth turning down a cheap bunk up with a random.

I know it's hard to walk away but what alternative do you have? You can't trust him. I have no issue with open marriages. If your happy for him to shag others then open the relationship. Maybe go on some dates yourself as well. However, that's not an agreement you currently have.

This may sound harsh but I suspect that if this unfaithful repeat offender was not a wealthy unfaithful repeat offender then you would be kicking him into touch.
What you are really interested in preserving is the comfortable life style. Everything you are doing is to rationalise that.

He brings nothing to the table really. He doesn't respect you or he wouldn't do this.
Its absolutely fine if you can swallow your self respect for the money and lifestyle, its entrely up to you. But just own it.

I know a couple like you and your husband. She is about 20 years younger than him. They got together when she was in her 20s and he was in his 40s. They had children, he has had multiple affairs (or "flings" as you call them), all with younger women. They're still together, they don't have sex (probably because he only fancies 20-something slim, pretty women and not his 40-odd year old wife with a mum tum and saggy bits).He works away a lot in the UAE.

When he would cheat the at the beginning, he would keep it well hidden and she only discovered the first one by accident. She forgave him, took him back "for the kids". He vowed never to do it again, loved her, didn't want to leave blah blah blah. But he'd tested the waters and knew that he could do it with no repercussions. He then cheated again with his PA (predictable). She let this one go too. Didn't want to break up the family home, he is a "great dad", the kids love him. Recently it's been pretty much common knowledge amongst their friends and social groups that he's cheating on her again. Their kids are now teens and inevitably have heard rumours and know what he's up to.

Whenever we see them everyone has to pretend they're a happily married couple. He always has his arm flung round her shoulders, the life and soul of the party laughing and joking whilst she is stood there with a smile plastered to her face. The whole thing is just sad tbh.

@Tallscandi I would decide if this is what you want for your future? Are you happy for your kids to find out what he has been / is up to in years to come? Are you happy for their friends to be gossiping about their dad behind their back? Are you happy to stand with a fake smile on your face pretending to be happy and "in love" whilst your husband is shagging other women behind your back and everybody around you knows he doesn't respect or care about you?

Or do you want someone who really loves you? Who wouldn't dream of doing anything in the world to hurt you? Who looks at you like you're the greatest thing in the world? Who would move heaven and earth to make sure you're happy?

Every one of her posts implies she still trusts him. She says things like 'he has only cheated twice'

'he feels guilty'

she doesn't accept that 'once a cheater always a cheater' applies to her dh

Are you happy to stand with a fake smile on your face pretending to be happy and "in love" whilst your husband is shagging other women behind your back and everybody around you knows he doesn't respect or care about you?

Or do you want someone who really loves you? Who wouldn't dream of doing anything in the world to hurt you? Who looks at you like you're the greatest thing in the world? Who would move heaven and earth to make sure you're happy?

These aren't the two choices that OP is faced with though. I'm not for one minute advocating anyone stay in a marriage they do not want to remain in, far from it, but it's far more nuanced than the black and white binary this or that you're offering here.

You'll need to toughen up if you're going to be stupid OP.

I just don't understand. I Came here for advice and support and I really appreciate the messages shared. But just calling a stranger 'stupid' online like that? You know I am a real person?

It's an old saying.

People are angry for you because they know how this will end. Whilst you seem to think it’s a unique situation it’s a fairly standard “script” for someone like him. You don’t need to know him to know that he will keep doing this because you have let it go. It will escalate the more you forgive and it will start to impact your self worth and mental health. He will tell you it’s in your head/gaslight you because you are “overreacting.” you will start to doubt your own instincts and it will drive you crazy.

Most of those telling you this are doing so because they’ve been you and felt the same (including me!). It sounds harsh but it’s trying to get through to you because when it happened to them they have not listened. You just aren’t ready to hear it and that’s understandable but keep this thread and come back to it everytime something like this happens. You will find your anger one day.

Sorry because this will sound defensive - but don't think I'm naive or stupid. And although my lifestyle is very good now, I can be tough, I promise ! When I was 18-23 I worked around the world as a model, always representing and travelling by myself. I've lived in different countries and now live away from my home country. I really appreciate people's concern but I think I feel I've done the independence part - I can't imagine going back to live like that. But I know I can do it if I had to.

Also financially, my DH has put money in my name, and I know he would support me / the girls - I'm sure I could create a steadier career if I had to.

If you decide to stay with him, no judgement from me, I don’t think it’s black and white, you need to make it clear to him that his behaviour if it ever happens again will be responsible for completely ruining his daughters sense of self worth and trust in their future relationships, not to mention yours.

Thank you, I do appreciate this. I still don't think I believe the 'once a cheater always a cheater' idea, because i do believe people can change, even if they may 'relapse' ojce or twice say in 20 years. For example, I really struggled with opening up and being intimate when I was younger, and I still do tend to retreat into my shell when i feel overwhelmed. But I have learned to express and stand up for myself.

I would also say that my DH has not 'gaslit' me or tried to make me feel I'm crazy - he has apologised profusely and has said many times I am right to be angry et . As I've mentioned before, I can access his phone, email, bank details if I want to. For me that seems like a sensible way to manage things. Bit maybe there is something I am missing?

Thanknyou for your message. What I also don' understand is how my daughters would find out? I don't think any adult would tell them because it would be so inappropriate. And would other adults gossip about this with their DCs? I wouldn't personally. We're in a capital city, not a village.

I think you have had a good mix of responses op. You want to maintain the status quo and not disrupt your safe, comfortable life and that of your children.

I had a colleague who accepted similar but other colleagues were laughing at him, not her. Sad middle aged man, text book stuff. More will know than you think.

You seem to have made your decision which is absolutely your right but you came here for advice and are not liking what you hear.

You will have a lightbulb moment eventually op. Its just not yet.

They will find out. My mum cheated on my dad when I was little and I found out when I was 15.

I know someone who stays with her husband who cheats probably every 5ish years. She also calls them 'flings' but in reality they vary from a few months to one I know of lasted 4 years! I have known her for 30 years. He is a very high earner in finance, they have two kids and live in a very nice house in a very posh village. She told be about the affairs when we were drunk once, and then another time she told me she wont leave as she 'doesnt want to end up in a one bedroom flat'. I left my husband after he cheated and did live in a two bedroom flat for a while with my daughter and i loved the freedom! We have a lovely house now with a garden and I hoped that it would inspire her to see there is life after divorce and I tried hard to show her that my life is SO MUCH HAPPIER NOW, and my child is fine. Round about way to say: it's your choice. He will always have these 'flings', you can chose to stay accepting that, you know your limits. For me though I think you will always live with the fear of being left for someone else, and so at the very least I would be doing what I could to safeguard against that , and gain some independence, getting a career etc. Good luck.

How did you find out, if you don't mind sharing?

A family member told me.

Ah, OK. Thank you. How did you feel about a family member telling you? For me personally i can't imagine an adult feeling it could possibly be appropriate to share that information. Did you / do you feel it was better to know?