DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

How old is your oldest? Give her ten years or so and she'll probably see her dad for who he is when she starts having friends around who are within his favoured age range

This is why a woman shouldn’t give up work. He’s high earners you depend upon as a housewife
Now you’re financially compromised and it’s impacting your choices and judgement. You don’t want to leave because he’s a high earner
Essentially , he’s never had any difficulties in getting female attention or sex. He’s not going to change, it’s who he is
I suppose now you need to decide what do you want to do

Thanknyou for your concern - I am.trying to.consider and listen. I'm just trying to give an accurate picture and to hear a range of experiences from women who I don't know, because I'm not sharing this with lots of.people in real life. I've spoken to the colleague about it and to my sister, both of whom understand my reluctance to break everything up - which is why I'm trying to see if there is a kind of middle way between burying my head in the ground and breaking up my.family

So he's done it before. Serial cheaters simply do not change. It's baked into their character, or more accurately their lack thereof. So I wouldn't bother to try, he'll probably fake being contrite for awhile and do it again once your guard is down. He's not a good dad if he puts he children's intact family in jeopardy just to get his dick wet. He's also potentially exposed you to an STD. Get checked.

So… you love each other, you have your children, he’s a good father, you’re a good mother, you have a good life and love the family unit.
He’s not a faithful sort. You understand that. He’ll almost certainly be unfaithful again.
The question is which path will you take now.
I can see why you’d stay, I can see why you’d leave. Only you can decide which life is more important. One where your family is separated, lives apart, children disrupted, custody issues, but you’re living without an unfaithful husband.

Or a life keeping it as is, understanding it won’t always be monogamous on his part, but you don’t want to have sex with him much anyway, and you both share all the other benefits of your life together. Many women choose the latter, for sure.

I think you should delete this thread and get on with your life and relationship as that is what you want to do - and I totally understand why you wish to do that.

you are not going to hear what you want to from the majority of us on here because we are telling the truth as we see it. you are entitled to do as you please. So I advise you to delete the thread and put it behind you.

She is 13. Honestly he doesn't give off a 'creepy' man vibe who is always pursuing younger women - he works with several women of.a range of ages, he has female friends, he isn't just a pervert (as others have said) who is always starting and leering at women. I'm not defending and making excuses, truly just trying to be clear

Sadly, I think this is accurate. She will continue to rationalize staying and yes, he will almost certainly do it again.

I mean, a man in his 50s shagging a woman in her 20s definitely gives me the creeps.

Thank you very much. This is also why I wanted to.start the thread - for a variety of opinions,.including this.

Leave him and appoint a shi t hot lawyer. You should be able to get a good settlements live a nice life without a shithea d who treats you like dirt

If you really want to stay maybe you should have an arrangement where you both are allowed lovers, because you already have a one-sided arrangement where he has lovers. I can almost guarantee you there are more of them you don't know about. So it should at least be equal if the relationship is to continue. Such an arrangement sounds really grim to me but some people like it. Maybe it will work for you.

If he doesn't just like the idea of getting his end away / ego stroked with a younger woman, then this 29 year old at the work event must have meant something pretty special to him. I'm not sure that's better.

@Tallscandi It sounds like you accept that this is something that is going to happen in your marriage- your partners character flaw.
If you can live with the knowledge that there is a high probability that he will sleep with other women, that’s fine- a lot people choose to live alternative lifestyles and it works.

However, if the thought of him doing this again upsets you, keeps you on your nerves, then what life is that?
You need to decide what life you want and I think the first steps you should take is to have a conversation with you DH , establish why this happened , lack of sex cannot be the reason.. lay everything on the table and take it from there.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay, it’s entirety your choice. I get the impression you want ‘permission’ to do that, but please do what works best for you.

I think if you don't want to leave you don't have to just because it's the social norm to do so.
But it sounds like it might be worth trying to actually connect with him better. You say he tried to support you and you pushed him away. He would like sex, too. Could you try to emotionally connect, if you decide to stay?
I also think that if sex is so important that it's relationship defining, then it's important enough to make sure both people are getting what they need and any issues are resolved.
If it's unimportant to you and you don't want/need it, how is it also sooooo important that you break up an otherwise good relationship over?
Yet those are the expectations, as you see from the majority of posters. I think it doesn't make sense. Sex either matters that profoundly to you or it doesn't. You can't expect your partner to just silently live without it and to be pushed away etc forever. Ideally it's addressed without cheating obviously, but humans are not always ideal.

He probably only told you because he thought it would come out sometime if your friend knew. you are bothered about breaking up your family but clearly he does not care I would bet he does this regular behind your back. He is treating you like a doormat because he knows you will will forgive him. It may not be this latest woman but he more than likely will trade you in for someone younger than you. He will blame you though as it's your fault he has a higher sex drive you said and there's a lack of sex in your marriage. How would you feel if this happened to one of your daughters when they are older? I hope you wouldn't advise her to stay together with someone like him.

I mean - hes a cheat, but you love him, he gives you a good lifestyle etc - if you are willing to look past it, and accept that he will always be shagging around - thats up to you. My mum did it for years with with my dad. Its what you are willing to accept for the life you want.

The trouble with threads like this and particularly posts of this nature, is the expectation that an OP can post about something mid-afternoon and if she hasn't said 'you're right, he's a cheating shit and my self-esteem is in the pits' by dinner time, people start piling on saying she isn't listening, or similar. These threads turn into a baying mob determined to hound a confused OP who is still trying to process and decide what to do. Haranguing people and effectively calling them weak for wanting to take time to think isn't helpful.

That's a fair point, but it's why I hope she has a friend IRL who she can discuss this properly with. Realistically a thread on here is only going to be 'trending' and getting responses for a day or so, and OP is currently very entrenched in wanting to forgive him, so it's unlikely to be of much use in this short time. I think these sorts of threads are more helpful for people who genuinely don't know what they want to do. However I take your point, it's not for me to say whether or not OP has an open mind and I take that back.

Staying with a cheat never, ever works out best. Ever. It erodes you from the inside out. When you're young and attractive you feel confident and strong and can do the 'pick me' dance very well. The 50 year old you will deeply regret staying though.
You also need to be absolutely clear in your mind that it really isn't you breaking up the family unit. It's him. 100% him.

OP if you can accept that this is just a part of his personality, but otherwise you’re relatively happy I think you should stay. I mean, if you’re looked after financially, have an otherwise lovely life with your kids etc and you aren’t overly hurt by his infidelities every now and then, why leave? Choose the easiest, best and happiest life for you. It doesn’t need to fit other people’s moral code.

You could slowly pick up work and build your career etc so if in future you do want to leave, you’ll be well set up.

It’s all well and good saying “just leave”, but in reality being a single mother and breaking up a family is much harder than that. There are other considerations as well. Your children, their quality of life, the disruption to them. Of course he’s at fault but it’s something you should take into account rationally.

Have you considered couples counselling OP? As a form of middle ground?

I can see why you want to stay .. you love him .. he provides a good lifestyle and financial security. The problem is that he might leave you .. he will of course have another fling as he’s gotten away with it so far with zero repercussions and then next one might stick. What then .. you will be older with three plus kids staring down middle age with no job .. no husband and no financial security. If you are committed to staying with him you really need to take back the power .. as now he has it all as he knows you don’t have the guts to follow through .. you want him and the lifestyle too much. At the v least I’d be asking for a break to think about things and you be the one to take yourself off somewhere for a few weeks. He needs a cold sharp shock

I think a lot of us get where she's coming from. She is married to a rich guy and they have 3 kids that she can't support in the lifestyle she's become used to.

She's aged out of the 20s group that he finds sexually attractive and her sex drive doesn't match his. He's had a couple affairs already and OP can't count on him sticking around long term. She needs to find a way to finance her life besides an unreliable and unfaithful husband. He might choose to leave when the kids are 18 or close to. If she doesn't start preparing now, she could be in a terrible position because she doesn't seem to get that being a complaisant wife and rugsweeping his infidelity doesn't mean he will always choose to stick around. She's stuck and he knows it.

He sounds like the guy who got the trophy wife and trades them in for newer models every so often.

If anything, I would advise play the long game and get a career going that can finance your life.