DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

Do you mean he had sex with the young woman during the night and then in the morning he actually discussed it with his colleague who is your good friend?

That just beggars belief . It certainly doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone who feels guilty.

I find this hard to advise on. Because talking in general, I feel that in a marriage, we are each other's only source of love, including physical love. And I know that if I didn't feel I could face intercourse after losing a baby, I would still seek some kind of physical comfort in my DH, and want to pleasure him.

I feel it puts a lot of strain on the relationship if there is an indefinite total lack of sexual contact.

This isn't to say you should feel obliged to do anything. It's just my observation about the situation. If you have cut the sexual ties with him then in a way part of the deal with marriage isn't present. And it damn sure makes him vulnerable to an ovulating 29-year-old when he's drunk at an office party. :((

Personally I think it's commendable at least that he's told you.

I myself would be saying I get this and my condition is we go for sexual counselling together.

He had sex with her , the colleague worked it out and asked him, he told.them what had happened.

And so that's why he had no option but to come home and tell you what had happened.
And obviously he's going to tell your friend and you that he feels guilty.

You must be true to yourself. A number of randoms on the internet are not the way to decide the way you want to live your life. Only you know what you feel in your heart and if you believe your marriage can survive this.

Affairs are not insurmountable but the lack of trust, your feelings of hurt and betrayal and what is best long term for you and your girls are what you must overcome and make rational decisions about. Maybe couples therapy would help you decide what is best for you.
I wish you luck and love going forwards, what ever you chose it will be hard, I hope you have a good support system around you.

This post nails it.

There’s no right or wrong, just what you can make peace with yourself, and have a happy life in doing so. Because you deserve a happy life.

He’ll have more affairs and probably leave you when you are older for a younger model But will probably wait for the kids to leave home/be older.

up to you if you’re happy to be pragmatic about it and enjoy a good lifestyle until then and a good settlement when you divorce.

It's a tough one. My first instinct was that you are rather pathetic. I don't understand people like yourself at all, that would be willing to consider forgiving a breaking of marriage vows. I then realised that is incredibly harsh and judgemental. I've never been in your shoes. I get the whole being an introvert married to an extrovert but I'd never put myself in a position where finances or a change in lifestyle would prevent me from dumping someone in the scenario you describe. I wouldn't put up with cheating. That's me though and not you. In your situation there isn't necessarily a right or wrong just whatever is best for you.

All I know is that being with someone like your dh would forever put me on edge and I couldn't live like that. Perhaps you could though and whilst I do think that is humiliating and rather sad it's your choice. You only get one life though and I can't fathom spending it in this way.

Jesus wept.

You feel as if he had an affair partly because you had a miscarriage,of a baby that he didn't particularly want, and you weren't able to be comforted by him in HIS preferred way? Gross.

What would you say to your daughter/sister/friend if that happened to her?

What do you want your old age to look like?

Think ahead - he's a charming, moneyed, attractive 50-something now.
But imagine he's 75, inevitably with some health conditions, no longer working, not getting validation and admiration from colleagues, needs increasing levels of practical and/or emotional support from you, and you're a healthy 60-year-old.... will you really have forgiven him for cheating TWICE (THAT YOU KNOW OF) - once with a woman young enough to be his daughter 🤮 becausehe wasn't getting enough attention from you .... and be happy to be looking at becoming his carer into his 80s?

I couldn't live that way and I wouldn't want my kids to see me live that way, but it's your life OP....

He has very well established form for cheating.

You’re going to stay. But maybe you won’t stay next time or the one after. I’d go to a lawyer, possibly with him, and say we would like to see what a divorce would look like financially. And make it concrete for him that this will be the reality if he ‘forgets’ again. as well as being clear there is no way you would lie about why it ended if it ended because he cheated.

Seek out professional relationship counselling together.
You seem strong in your views and able to forgive but you also seem like communication is difficult for you and that this might always be a factor unless you seek help.

Then she can leave, in her 60s. Op I hope you’re reading this. He can cheat at any time, you can leave at any time, even if he’s old and not well.

I couldn't cope with the thought that my OH had been inside somebody else. Absolute deal breaker for me. Please have some dignity and LTB x

Why put off until tomorrow something that is more easily done today?

he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

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He doesn't love you as this is the third time you know of that he's cheated.

If he loved & respected you he wouldn't cheat.
He'll probably do it again & there's probably/possibly other times that you don't know about.

What happens if the next/future ons gets pregnant or this recent ons finds out that she's pregnant.
How are you going to feel/cope then especially if the ow keeps the baby?

I don't think I could get over this especially a repeat offender. You can keep the family together if you wish but I don't think it will ever be the same again, wondering if he's gonna do it again. Wondering why he did it again this time, crossing that line. Why you and the girls aren't enough to keep him faithful? If it were my husband I wouldn't just be mad I'd feel broken. I've had men cheat in the past, I tried to forgive and he did it again. We split up and he continued to cheat on his next partner too. Your husband sounds a bit like him. I'm sorry OP.

I think you came here looking for reasons to stay, and even if most have said you should leave him, you don't care. Your mind is made up: you will stay with a cheater, for the money and the lifestyle. One thing is certain: he'll trade for a younger model, sooner rather than later. I give it a few more years, if that.

Gross!!

Are you one of the many handmaidens we seem to have on Mumsnet nowadays?

Ugh What a sleaze!
He shagged someone young enough to be his DD!
A drunken ONS I could get past but I certainly wouldn't get past that.
You have stuck him on a pedestal
He's not all that !

What's with the performative outrage from so many posters about the 'young enough to be his daughter'? He's married to someone almost young enough to be his daughter FFS!

As if the issue here is the 20 year age gap. As if it's at all relevant. 🙄

It's not especially relevant no, the OW could've been 20 years older, but to me, it indicates that he doesn't value women very much

@Tallscandi

With the greatest of respect, the fact that he slept with a woman 8yrs younger than you is not the issue here - it's the fact that he slept with any woman - for the 2nd time in your relationship!! No fucking way would I be carrying on after that. Nope. Deal breaker.

He's a great dad? He can still be a great dad without walking all over you. He's contrite? Of course he is - you found out! And he knows you'll probably accept it because you have before.

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