DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

Gosh op, I'm so sorry you're having to face this. It's your choice of course, but he's not going to change. If you can live with his infidelity, then stay.

But you're only 37 year old, plenty of time to find a better relationship.

He’s lining up your replacement.

So he put his penis into another woman twice that you know of. Get yourself checked for sti. There be others he won't have told you of. Honestly op can you really live with someone who values you this little. He will do it again and he risks your health. You need to plan carefully here so that financially you not struggling. First call tomorrow is a sti nurse and a lawyer. Look after yourself and your girls

Stop making excuses for him. Just because he’s apparently so charismatic and attractive to all your friends - it doesn’t give him a free pass to act like a total shit. He won’t change. At some time it will happen again. Especially if you forgive him. Personally I would have more respect and show him the door. No amount of money and comfortable living conditions can make up for the suspicion and feelings of doubt that you will continue to have.

He obviously likes younger women and you are now getting older so he wants his next new young women. It’s gross and you should higher your standards but I guess if you’re okay with it then it’s your life 🤷🏼‍♀️. Just don’t be surprised when it happens again because you are fully letting him.

It can be overwhelming to have so many people be so blunt with you about your life. I'm one of them. Sorry. Sugar coating it achieves nothing though. I hope you're OK. You're clutching at straws though with the, he didn't pursue her, she pursued him bit.

Oh come on now OP. He clearly told you because he knew your friend was aware of it, so he’s more than likely cheated a lot more than you know, that’s just obvious!

And your friend was never going to say ‘oh yeah he’s a dirty bastard and was loving it’ because you clearly don’t want to hear that. They said what you want to hear. If you are going to put up with this behaviour then atleast do it with your eyes open.

OP it sounds like you desperately want to forgive him and stay together and are trying to minimise his actions so that we'll all tell you to stay together. If you've made up your mind there's no point in us saying anything. If you are taking any advice on board from those of us that have been through it - it will never be the same again and he will most likely do it again. Choose yourself, not this dickhead.

So my Dad was a charming, charismatic man who cheated on our family multiple times throughout my parents marriage. My parents have stayed married.

And I say "our family" and not just my Mum because his actions hurt us all. He made a fool out of my Mum and brought gossip and judgement on us all. He took the unconditional love that he had from his wife and children and very publically showed that it wasn't enough for him. As well as being adored at home, he still needed more. We were never enough.

Once I became an older teenager and in my twenties I realized what he was like (cos of gossip, and him shagging people I knew). My mum should have left home years ago, but for whatever reason they stayed married. It gave me a good blueprint of exactly the type of marriage I didn't want, and has definitely impacted my adult relationship with them both.

From your own point of view, stay or go - you know what you can live with. But start building your own financial independence. And maybe start saving up for ciu selling for your kids for when they find out what he is like. Cos they will.

I'm sorry this is all happening OP.

Only you know what you can live with. Personally I'd be disgusted by him and wouldn't want him anywhere near me.

Ohh..and I'd start saving for an emergency fund as he's most likely looking for your replacement.

How "immediately" guilty was if that your friend/colleague knew about the guilt? Immediately = as soon as the flirting started, but he carried on? Immediately = as soon as he came? Immediately = as soon as he knew that someone who might tell you had found out?

Thank you - I am reading and taking it all on board. I am.angry with him, of course, but I am also considering how to manage this.

I think I have said a few times that he is a good father, and I do think this is protect. I'm a good mother too, but we have different strengths - he's much more patient / tolerant / better at listening, and helping with school things - I'm better at other things. Our girls really love him. They're at transitional ages and love being part of a family. I think I feel like itnwould be selfish to break this up - but I'm reading all your responses and really appreciate it all. I'm not trying to make excuses, but my DH doesn't want to break up with me, he's not trying to move on from me - any break up / divorce would be my decision alone.

The awful thing about this is that everybody knows how out of control he is except you. He is so out of control that he was reckless enough that your best friend knew about the shag the moment it happened. Think about that. He fucked up with the open knowledge of his colleagues who all know he is married.

I had to watch a boss canoodle with a colleague while he was married. I was so glad that I had never met his wife but several other colleagues had. It felt as though they were colluding with him.

you were a model which means that you have a specific look. If he is conventionally attractive then you are too (for what it’s worth). You can find someone more deserving of what you have to offer as a mother and a wife. LTB.

@Tallscandi you're worried about feeling selfish.

Do you think he's selfish?

Do you really think it's selfish to expect your husband not to fuck a 29 year old while you're recovering from a miscarriage?

@Tallscandi It is very rare for men to be so attractive that women actually actively pursue them. As your husband is one of these very rare, very attractive men, there will always be a risk that women will proposition him.

The only way around this is to date one of the overwhelming majority of men that women do not proposition.

Honestly, I think the morning after, which is when he told his colleague (and without the disinhubiting effect of alcohol ..
) I'm not claiming this absolves him of anything, I'm just trying to give context - it certainly was not the case that he was gloating / parading / in front of lots of colleagues. Thank you!!

Your choices now are:

1. Stay and accept he will now have the green light to do this whenever he likes AND keep you and his family; or
2. Leave, have some self respect and set a good example for your daughters.

I know what I would do!

Yes, I think what he did was selfish and stupid, and he has said the same thing. With the miscarriage - he was incredibly supportive (as I would expect any good partner to be.) He also agreed to have a baby in the first place when he was uncertain about this, due to his age - I know it was jot exactly rational of me, but I am sure many of you women will know that sense of longing for another child is not always rational. But I'm not actively trying and don't expect I will in the future.

Please OP open your eyes your dick of a husband is on his 2nd affair!!

He didn’t go after her but he didn’t say ‘no thank you, I am married’ either did he? He had a one night stand instead!! Oh and he felt guilty afterwards- really!!! of course he did. He shagged someone that wasn’t his wife!!

You were a model - I am presuming that you have the capability to say ‘no’ if someone asked you to go out with them - why can’t you apply the same principles to your DH.

And no he isn’t a good Dad - he has ONS and disrespects his children’s mother!

So what happens when he does it again? and again? you carry on blindly forgiving him as he has charisma and women love him!

Please get yourself a solicitor (if just to frighten him into thinking he has not got away with it) and some counselling you need to understand why your self worth is so low that you would forgive almost anything this man does!

I am sorry to be quite harsh but this is not okay - and it is nothing you have done!! If he isn’t happy with your sex life - he is an adult- he can use his words to tell you what he is feeling! I am sorry but this is all on him.

However, it is possible / likely I am still feeling a bit more vulnerable as a result of the miscarriage - I'm certainly.not in the stage of feeling like I could just cope perfectly like a super empowered woman right now, taking over our lives and changing everything - though I am reading everyone's responses.

Sorry OP but this is pointless. You say you're "taking everything on board" but you're desperate to make excuses for him. I truly hope you have a sister or a good friend you can speak openly with because I don't think you're ready to hear the truth yet and I don't think this thread is helping you
I hope you realise you have some self worth soon before it's completely beaten out of you.

A bit like when you met him- he is trading you in for a newer model
a bit like a car- that is how emotionally invested in you

Also, I really appreciate people saying I should be a good role model for my daughters, and thank you for sharing stories of your own experiences with this. However, my daughters don't know and I'm absolutely not planning to tell them , unless they somehow found out from someone else. In that case we would answer questions in an age- appropriate way (my youngest is only 9!)

You have said several times he’s a good father. He’s not. A good father doesn’t jeopardise his wife and children’s happiness by cheating.

You do not need to make a rash decision right now. It's ok to take your time, to decide to stay, forever or for now, and change your mind later. I think that most people here are saying what they would say to a friend or someone they care about:

• you deserve better
• your DH cheated because he is a cheat, not because of you
• he's done it before and nothing is stopping him from doing it again

It sounds like you have been through a lot in recent months and that you need to recover still and take your time to know what you really want. There is nothing wrong with that. But please, don't feel selfish if you realise that leaving is what you need (your daughters will survive if you divorce, it won't be nice for a while, but it will be OK in the long run) and don't feel stupid if you decide that staying is the right choice for you.
What I would say is, focus on you, what you need, your recovery, your happiness, your pleasure, your daughters... and not him. I think he lost the privilege of coming at the top of your list of priorities.