My neighbour allows kids to play at her house

[Eolhc1990]

OK so I feel like a bit of an @ssh0le here but this is driving me crazy. Last year I moved into a new house with my husband and DC (now 6 and 3) we live on a small quiet road with only a few houses. There are kids under 8 in 5 of those houses. We have front gardens but the kids that are 7/8 years old play on the street riding bikes/scooters etc and they can be loud which is a bit annoying but its kids what can you do. Anyway one of the other families is a lady with a 5 year old child and a baby. Because her child is too young to play on the road she will let the older neighbour kids play in her front garden, she will set up a table with play doh or paint or today a splash pad! and the kids will play there for a few hours while she sits and watches.... my problem is now everytime I try to bring my kids in from creche I'm getting pestered by them to go over there.
She always invites them and is a very sweet lady but by the time my kids are home it's 6pm and I just want to get them in and into the bath etc.
With the recent warm weather this is EVERY evening im dreading this evening because il have to face a meltdown if i say no to them playing on the splashpad with the other kids and I just think its a lot. Im sure the other parents think this is great they can just leave their kids over there but for me it's a nightmare we are not really playdate house at the best of times. I prob need to get over it but just needed to vent. I feel like asking her can she get the kids to hide when I come home from work

Oh ffs I'm not asking her to change her life for me I'm just having a moan about something that's annoying to me. I'm perfectly polite to her, when the kids are invited I thank her and brought over baked goods to them. I'm a narcassist because I am annoyed by something ffs

The problem is YOU. All you. What a wonderful neighbour to set this up for the kids. They are all
in safe space and having fun in great weather.
because you can’t parent your kids and say no, you want to be a miserable person to others?

you sound like the person who whinges about sweets displayed at the checkout. Parent your kids and say no.

Kids may need structure and routine but they also need to be spontaneous and have fun.

This 100%
Plus your child and your neighbours child, could become friends over time?

when all I'm trying to do is give my kids the structure and routine that children need

You're still implying that parents of children who play out are 'wrong'. You're not doing parenting 'better' but that's what you're trying to convince yourself.

I find it interesting that you said when you went over there it was awkward small talk. She doesn’t sound like she has problems socialising so perhaps the awkwardness is coming from you. It sounds as though your rigid rural childhood was not the most sociable, nor are the activities you choose to do with your children. Not everyone is taught to socialise well growing up and I wonder if this is a trait that you are passing on to your kids. You don’t sound happy and I’m sorry for that. You say you aren’t jealous but it is clear as day. Not everyone can be the fun mum nor should they have to be, but if I were you I’d be viewing this woman’s creativity and generosity of spirit as an opportunity rather than a crisis.

"Actually she is kind of like a pied piper in that she deliberately sets up these activities in her FRONT garden (despite the fact that she has a big back garden) she sets these things up purely with the intention of luring kids over to her house."

There's some very loaded words in there! 'pied piper', 'luring' kids. Have you thought that the reason that she sets these things up in her FRONT garden is so that parents can see their children and know they're safe? sounds very thoughtful to me.

I know it 'works for you' but 7pm is a very early bedtime in summer and your kids will miss out. Playing outside with friends on a lovely light warm evening (after the heat of the day) is one of the absolute joys of childhood.

OP, you are making your neighbour sound like some kind of “child catcher”
It’s so mean. You might need her one day ( god forbid!) Lighten up!

Well said @ApplesinmyPocket👍

I mean you keep saying what she should do. Why can’t she have it in her back yard? Why can’t she stick to weekends? Yes you are moaning but you actually want her to do these things. Of course you aren’t going to ask her because you know you are being unreasonable.

I also didn’t call you a narcissist, I said you sound narcissistic. There is a difference. As in all you are thinking about is yourself and no one else.

You: Am I being unreasonable?
Everyone: yes!
You: No I’m not! 🙄

So you don't actually mean it when you say she should only do it at weekends etc?

Oh jeez give me a break

I never said she "should" do anything I just said to me it would be more reasonable if she did it at weekends rather than weekday evenings.
I'm OK with you thinking I'm unreasonable, sounds like you guys want me to agree with you though and I don't. That's ok we can agree to disagree.

You’re using words like “lure” and comparing her to the pied piper (who kidnapped children as a punishment to their parents) just because she’s letting kids play in her front garden.
You’re coming across quite nasty about it, not just having a moan, and that’s why you’re getting a hard time.

It's your type of parent that teenagers rebel from. I always welcomed my children friends, and now as teens they use my house to socialise because they know it's safe and it beats roaming the streets. I know where my teens are, there friends are safe. I've seen more than enough teens rebel as a direct consequence of your type of parenting.

But that's the thing - it's really not healthy to be annoyed by someone doing absolutely nothing wrong. But not only has she not wronged you, she's actively doing a kindness to your children and community (where most of us would have positive feelings towards her, you've got the opposite). All this negativity inside you towards another person for no reason should surely raise alarm bells, and is not a good use of your mental energy.

I think your restricted childhood has influenced the way you see the world, and I would highly recommend you talk it through with a trusted therapist/psychologist so you don't pass on the same fears and insecurities towards healthy community socialising to your children. I say fear because you described the act of children playing in their happiest and most natural state (e.g. with other children) as "feral" - that is completely irrational so must be a fear response.

As parents, I think it's our job to take a critical look at our upbringing and try our best to break unhealthy cycles. It's absolutely not your fault you were raised the way you were, but you do get to choose whether to hold on to that isolated and fearful lifestyle thereby imposing it on your children, or whether you treat your children as individuals with their own social needs and preferences outside of strict routines and family time.

Oh ffs I was responding to someone else who said "its not like shes the pied piper", I didn't bring it up.

If you don’t care that people think you’re unreasonable and aren’t going to take onboard anyone else’s opinion, then why ask?

The issue is you not dealing with your children pestering you, not the neighbour allowing children to play in her garden!

7pm bedtime is early even for a 6 yr old.

I think you're being unreasonable to find it annoying she has kids around her house and that its inconvenient for you.

You sound very controlling.

I'm not jealous of her but it does annoy me that my kids think she is perfect and that I have to be the bad guy all the time when all I'm trying to do is give my kids the structure and routine that children need.

Get used to it, the parent is always the bad guy, everyone else's house is always more fun, everyone else is always allowed do more and so on..... they are trying to push the boundaries which is completely normal. You can stick or you can compromise with them, what you can't do is expect everyone else to have the same rules as you. As your kids get older you navigate this all the time - friends can go why can't I, everyone has a phone why can't I, everyone else is allowed stay out later why can't I, it is relentless.

Honestly I just asked the question to have a moan and thought that at least a few people would agree that it sounds annoying..... wasn't expecting to have my parenting and lifestyle critised, diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses and name called but that's mumsnet for ya.

You are literally criticising another mother’s parenting but shocked that it’s happening to you?

I'm trying to empathise with you but it's quite hard tbh OP as you've been so rude about the other parent!

I get it's annoying having to say no again and again. My DC's friends are all allowed to play computer games all the time and mine aren't and they moan a lot. It is what it is.

Do you empathise with your children at wanting to go over there, in the same way YOU wanted empathy from this post, I wonder?

You say you're absolutely unwilling to change your routine. That's your prerogative.

But why then would you expect someone else to change theirs, to suit YOU?

That's quite hypocritical, no?

But you’re happy to criticise your neighbours parenting?