My neighbour allows kids to play at her house

[Eolhc1990]

OK so I feel like a bit of an @ssh0le here but this is driving me crazy. Last year I moved into a new house with my husband and DC (now 6 and 3) we live on a small quiet road with only a few houses. There are kids under 8 in 5 of those houses. We have front gardens but the kids that are 7/8 years old play on the street riding bikes/scooters etc and they can be loud which is a bit annoying but its kids what can you do. Anyway one of the other families is a lady with a 5 year old child and a baby. Because her child is too young to play on the road she will let the older neighbour kids play in her front garden, she will set up a table with play doh or paint or today a splash pad! and the kids will play there for a few hours while she sits and watches.... my problem is now everytime I try to bring my kids in from creche I'm getting pestered by them to go over there.
She always invites them and is a very sweet lady but by the time my kids are home it's 6pm and I just want to get them in and into the bath etc.
With the recent warm weather this is EVERY evening im dreading this evening because il have to face a meltdown if i say no to them playing on the splashpad with the other kids and I just think its a lot. Im sure the other parents think this is great they can just leave their kids over there but for me it's a nightmare we are not really playdate house at the best of times. I prob need to get over it but just needed to vent. I feel like asking her can she get the kids to hide when I come home from work

In my opinion OP, you’ve got two choices; either start parenting and not letting the kids rule you or relax a bit.

We live on a fairly new estate and one of the things that we were drawn to was the community feel, everyone is so friendly and the kids all play out together. I love hearing the sound of kids laughing and playing on a summer evening, reminds me of my own childhood. In a few months they’ll be cooped up indoors because it’s peeing with rain and dark at 7pm.

She sounds lovely, like others have said, this is entirely a you problem.

Your use of the word luring makes it sound like she has nefarious intentions to be honest OP. When in reality she feels like her 5yo is too young to be out unsupervised so makes her house/garden into a fun space where her kid gets to play happily with others but under supervision.

Perfectly reasonable.

I'd let mine go for a bit. It sounds lovely.
I remember on the program Child of Our Time they said children's favourite thing to do when surveyed was play at a friend's house. More than theme parks etc.

The neighbour sounds happy, relaxed and like someone who derives pleasure from seeing children having fun. It also sounds like all the children enjoy her company and her little garden set up. If it were me I'd pop over myself with a wine and sit with her while the children enjoyed a play. OP - mate - your kids aren't the winners in this story. They're completely missing a wonderful opportunity to spend time with other kids, be creative and messy and also enjoy the company of an adult that is completely different to their parents. Give your kids a longer leash and let them go play.

Because not everyone feels the same way about things.

I am the total opposite, I love the idea of my house being the local hub for kids. Growing up I was lucky enough to have a trampoline before they were fashionable and my parents had anywhere from 2-8 other kids in their garden probably 4-5 nights a week. I absolutely loved it and I know my mum did too. That is my ideal for my kids too.

Its not just kids though, I just love to host. I have games nights with my friends every month, I love having a BBQ the minute the sun is out and having 3-4 couple friends round. I just enjoy having a busy house.

Have you explained this to her?

@Eolhc1990 she probably sets up in the front garden so that other parents can also see where their kids are and it’s easy to retrieve them when tea’s ready. It’s not a ‘lure’! This sort of language does make you sound very resentful and quite bitter about something that we can both see most people would view as a harmless, friendly, positive thing for your neighbourhood.

I agree with Wiltingasparagusfern, I think your way through this is to examine your feelings and find the real source of your anger towards this woman.

This does feel a little sad, I know you said you didn’t have children near by and a strict routine when you grew up but honestly, my favourite thing about being a kid was out playing with the kids on our street. I would love this for my dc but our street isn’t like that at all :(

Christ you have issues. Using the word "lure" you're making it sound as if she's doing something deviant.
You dont want your kids there that's your choice, dont blame her because you can't control your kids and they moan.
As a pp said you sound unhinged.
I'd love having a neighbour like that and actually support her if my kids went over. However, they'd only go if it was ok with our plans.

No because clearly everyone thinks I'm the unreasonable one in the situation and she is the lovely kind Saint who can do no wrong.
For the record I do have fun with my kids I do water only baths most days and we have lots of water toys and games that they love we play and read before bed. At weekends we always go sonewhere kid friendly zoo, farms, playgrounds etc I'm not the cold rigid person people are making me out to be. I think routine and structure is important for kids and just because I don't see this lady as an all perfect godsend doesn't make me a bad person.

My above comment was in reply to this.

But no one has said she is all perfect and a saint who can do no wrong though.

You sound like you are struggling with parenting and are totally jealous of her.

Just unclench and you may have more fun.

I think the 6 year old could play surely? He’s year 1/2? My son at that age was out all evening during the summer months, playing with his local friends in the park. Then when they got bored, it was back to ours for a good play on the trampoline/ football/ paddling pool. It was great fun, as we had the biggest most child friendly garden.

DS is now 17 and a trainee chef. It did him zero harm being out and about with other kids.

Good to hear you have fun with your kids and enjoy playing with them. Now you need to stop judging and resenting your neighbour for parenting differently to you. You like having strict routines fine but kids out playing in a front garden during the summer months is absolutely fine and not something to get so wound up about. It will be likely raining again soon so issue over.

Oh yes!!

OP, if you want to stick to a strict routine you will need to deal with your own DC. You can’t expect to prevent other parents having their DC up later and doing fun activities. My DC were never in bed by 6.30/7 - never. Bedtime at ours was 7.30-8. If a parent nearby was doing arts and crafts at 6.00 on their front garden I would have offered to help supervise if mine were invited.

DC look back fondly on lots of fun and happy times, not rigid routines. My DS25 is still best friends with someone he was friends with in infants and at 9/10/11 birthdays were cinema trips followed by nerf gun battles at ours while we got pizzas ready. The house looked like a disaster zone afterwards but the kids all lived it and an hour or two later it was tidy.

I’d find a way to compromise - arts once or twice a week, not every night.

And the ice cream van outside school - we did Friday treat only. And mine knew if they pestered on Wednesday it would be no ice cream on Friday.

Bathing, and reading bedtime stories is nice but it's not really playing with your children though. And children need to have time learning how to play with each other and by themselves. OK paper mache might not be for everyone but play do? What arts and crafts do your kids enjoy. How are they supposed to learn to interact with other children and adults outside of a structured setting.

I think the main issue is your personal dislike for your neighbour.

I'm not jealous of her but it does annoy me that my kids think she is perfect and that I have to be the bad guy all the time when all I'm trying to do is give my kids the structure and routine that children need. I do occasionally agree to them going over there and il stay too (even though I hate awkward small talk) because I wouldn't expect her to take care of my 3 year old but I just think that it would be more reasonable if she only did it on fri/sat/sun so that parents who are up early during the week could get their kids in for evening routine without being the fun police. I get it you guys obviously don't agree but that's how I feel

Wait until you get to the sleep over stage OP! And camping in the garden! Get those ice lollies and pizzas ready! 😊

...the kids were all just organically friends it would be less annoying but she has manufactured these friendships...

How do you think 5yr olds make friends? Parental input is often required, whether that's inviting mothers with kids the same age to your home, or by inviting school friends over to solidify friendships..... oh, I forgot! No play dates allowed

This neighbour and I would get along really well. I actually struggled with arts and crafts at home (so sticky!) but would often do baking with my children and their friends. And now that my daughter is older (12) she has her friends round to bake a lot - she and a friend made 300 cookies for my son's school's bake sale last month. So I could do the baking and she could do the messy crafts.

Sooo much nicer than many of my son's friend's houses just now where they seem to just play video games until I pick him up. My unpopular parenting rule is that everyone needs to play outside for a good chunk of time before coming to talk to me about screens. So they run around out front or on the swings in back, have a water fight, throw mud around, whatever... then maybe a half hour on the switch.

I think setting up in the front is ideal - other parents can keep an eye out and come get their children when it's dinner time or whatever. She's doing all the hard work herself but seems to love it so it's a win for everyone.

None of this has anything to with you of course, if your children whine for 30 minutes straight when you say no to something that's your parenting issue, not hers. Her kids aren't whining at all.

I can’t believe you are still doubling down!!! I don’t understand why you can’t understand that people parent differently. What works for one family doesn’t work for all.

And please explain why people should change their life for you?? You sound kind of narcissistic.

Op, there's lots of people here telling you that yabu.

Please try to take on board their points. By arguing and being defensive you're just showing rigidity.

If you don't want to be told yabu then don't post on aibu

Of course it's unreasonable for her to change her routine to suit yours because you have to be up early during the week and her work is more flexible.

She is doing what suits her, her routine and her DC just as you are. She isn't going to change it just to make your life easier.