I make the decisions-elderly parent

[Hereforthekickz]

My DM is 83. Lives alone and is very independent. She is a very capable woman.

We get along okay. I live close by and visit once a week and constantly converse via WhatsApp. I work full time and have a t
14 year old and a husband. She can be difficult at times, very sensitive, quite selfish.

I received some money recently and gave her a few thousand pounds. She doesn’t have much money and needed things for her home and to help her in her older age. I gave it to her without strings. She said she would like to use some to replace old/damaged things in her home such as a new carpet, some blinds for her bedroom etc. I have spent every weekend taking her to carpets shops etc helping her source these things. I even went and painted her bedroom despite she could have paid decorator. I suggested this but she wouldn’t have anyone come so I did it and put up a blind for her etc.

My issue is this - she also expects me to make all the decisions. Take the blind, she doesn’t know what sort to have so I gave her advice and recommended a company I have used many times. They come out to measure and give advice but she still wants me to decide for her. I politely told hers her that I can give advice but the decision has to be hers. It’s her home, not mine and she has to live with it. The man is coming tomorrow re. the blind and I have offered to be there in case she didn’t want to be in her own with him. She has sent me a very snotty message saying
It’s ok.thank you. You won’t be giving me any advice will you? If your answer is yes then I would like you to come but I know you don’t like giving advice

She does this with everything. So not only am I doing the work, I am choosing everything and it’s exhausting. I am also having a lot of work done in my own home and making most of these decisions. DM is very manipulative and in all honesty, would be classed as having some narcissistic tendencies.

I was just trying to do something good but wish I hadn’t bothered.

@Gingercar I think you are right. Maybe it’s other things getting me down. Work has been really challenging since I got a promotion and the house has got me down. Plus I am still grieving my Dad ❤️

I am widowed and on my own and, whilst I do not NEED someone to help over these sort of decisions, it is quite nice sometimes to bounce ideas off someone else and share the choice. It's bloody lonely just choosing for myself, or watching a TV programme with no-one there to chat it over with.
You don't realise how much you will muss these little things......

It will be.. I’m sorry, I know where you are. I lost my dad a few years ago, and my long term job, and my best friend. And it was the start of having to do more for my mum. And I really resented her sometimes. I was closer to my dad. And I got grumpy with her. I still do. And it’s not really her fault. It’s me burning out. I don’t know what the answer is. I’m five years into caring for her. It’s hard. I don’t know how, but you have to look after yourself too (not quite worked out how to do it!).
So perhaps just tell her roman blinds in the floral - it doesn’t matter what you say, whichever she sounds to be leaning towards, don’t actually put any serious thought into it.

Keep your chin up.x

You say you are still grieving your dad. I am sorry for that and send condolences.
But ... from this I conclude that your mother is grieving too ...

You're at your wits end and close to burn out aren't you!

I've been where you are and it's exhausting both mentally and physically. The only advice I can give you is to take a day away from everyone where you can decompress and devote the time to planning your boundaries around work, the family and your DM. For example, if your visit to DM is one evening per week, stick to it and let her know you'll be sticking to it. Tell her you have to do this or you'll be ill because you're juggling too much responsibility.

Don't be available for phone calls if you're busy. There' no urgency for her blinds & furniture so don't be drawn into her timescale. Say no, you can't fit in another visit but you'll discuss it with her on your weekly visit.

I know it's easy to say that you can fix this by being more assertive and sticking to your boundaries but if you don't do something now, the situation will continue (and worsen) and you'll put your health, job, family, marriage at risk.

Good luck! 💐