I make the decisions-elderly parent

[Hereforthekickz]

My DM is 83. Lives alone and is very independent. She is a very capable woman.

We get along okay. I live close by and visit once a week and constantly converse via WhatsApp. I work full time and have a t
14 year old and a husband. She can be difficult at times, very sensitive, quite selfish.

I received some money recently and gave her a few thousand pounds. She doesn’t have much money and needed things for her home and to help her in her older age. I gave it to her without strings. She said she would like to use some to replace old/damaged things in her home such as a new carpet, some blinds for her bedroom etc. I have spent every weekend taking her to carpets shops etc helping her source these things. I even went and painted her bedroom despite she could have paid decorator. I suggested this but she wouldn’t have anyone come so I did it and put up a blind for her etc.

My issue is this - she also expects me to make all the decisions. Take the blind, she doesn’t know what sort to have so I gave her advice and recommended a company I have used many times. They come out to measure and give advice but she still wants me to decide for her. I politely told hers her that I can give advice but the decision has to be hers. It’s her home, not mine and she has to live with it. The man is coming tomorrow re. the blind and I have offered to be there in case she didn’t want to be in her own with him. She has sent me a very snotty message saying
It’s ok.thank you. You won’t be giving me any advice will you? If your answer is yes then I would like you to come but I know you don’t like giving advice

She does this with everything. So not only am I doing the work, I am choosing everything and it’s exhausting. I am also having a lot of work done in my own home and making most of these decisions. DM is very manipulative and in all honesty, would be classed as having some narcissistic tendencies.

I was just trying to do something good but wish I hadn’t bothered.

But if you're painting you can't get to your phone... can you? And you shouldn't have asked her for the day off, you should said you couldn't go because you were decorating.

Look up transactional analysis. You need to be engaging with her adult to adult - beware of slipping into a parent/child dynamic. I wonder if she is sometimes adopting a parent persona and sometimes child, which pushes you into the corresponding child or adult, which you would naturally resent. I think you might find it helpful to read up on this and research ways to move to a more adult to adult dynamic with someone who resists this.

End of pop psychoanalysis from me 😂 . It's advice I have received myself and found very helpful.

Is it a way of getting attention I wonder. I have this a bit from elderly MIL. Fixating on details, getting me to order her things, etc

SIL was also getting it and has withdrawn a bit I noticed, after getting involved in a an online purchase when something wasn't 'right' and had to return it etc, maybe this is why I am getting it instead!

I recommend the website called Out of the FOG online

Not sure if I am coming across as unsympathetic - I'm anything but, just trying not to yabber on too long. I do get that it feels you're drowning in this right now.

This may sound absolutely crackers on my part but I'm going to have a wild stab in the dark about your situation:

Every single change of plan means more contact with you. If this doing up her home situation ends, well then, she's all set, she'll be on her own. As it is, you've got a project together.

If she has her carpet or her blinds or whatever the hell else done, she's at a loss to know why she needs to talk to you.

My mum, (85) is like this with sending me completely useless bits of rubbish through the post. It gives her something to focus around. She can't just shoot the breeze.

Lastly, (and this could be absolutely off kilter) Does she have a bit of a longing that perhaps she could move in to your house?

Anyway, Elderly Parents Board on this website might be more helpful than posting on AIBU.

You have my greatest sympathy as somebody who has just wasted several hours of her life in the late hours of the evening this week trying to explain why I don't want a pair of Hotter shoes orthopaedic trainers in brilliant silver and in the wrong size and how, if she wants to talk to me, she needs no excuse.

As others have said as you get older you not only have physical problems but also struggle with the mental side of things, maybe remembering things or in this case making decisions.
My elderly dad is like this, so last week when he had a bathroom fitter visit I went along and made all of the decisions about the new bathroom. Like others I have just gone completely neutral. In the time it has taken to write this thread and read the replies you could have chosen a cream blind and a beige carpet.

It is stressful though because putting the decision making on someone else can mean that if it's not right it is then that person's fault. It can be quite manipulative and attention seeking, not just about cognitive decline..

Nah it’s not easy, I get it, and after I posted that I read about the choosing furniture and how she can be manipulative so sending hugs, sometimes life is just absolutely shit and the stress feels endless. I also have a (2 actually) non contributing brothers so it just seems like a never ending thankless life. I keep reminding myself it’s not for ever. X

I hear you, I see you I feel this too.

with my mother, I will take it as far as giving a shortlist of options but honestly the dithering and backtracking and second guessing is next level. My DH just knows to throw a tea, wine, cold-flannel, kitten in my direction when it starts again.

I find that not being available until 30 mins before a decision is needed saves the back and forth as we end up in the same place. I also find being clear about ‘do you want an opinion or a decision’ sometimes helps too.

good luck and good patience to you :)

With my mother this is EXACTLY it. In the last few months the DH and I have each had health issues, problems with various parts of our house falling apart etc. yet the majority of convos have been about my mothers preferred shower tray - literally hours! It’s like she’s oblivious to the fact that wouldn’t be my (or surely anyones?) top issue, but needs control as something she is thinking over.

@Redheadedstepchild how weird!! You are completely correct!
She has said many times how the spare room is her room when she moves in. She was annoyed that we turned it into an office for my DH!
She has always wanted me, all to herself and it has caused some real arguments in the past as I navigate my life without her constant presence. Even moving house was difficult.
I am enjoying time with her at the moment more because I am giving her what she wants, it’s a win win. But I know it won’t last and now it’s becoming all consuming again.
The second I stop, is the second her behaviour will change. I have had this all my life in it’s various forms.
It’s a game we play. I said I would go to her house after work to be there when the guy comes to measure up for the blind. Now I am being told not to as “I have to be more confident in my choices”. Anyone that has a DM that is like mine will know that that’s bull crap. If I don’t go, I will pay a price.

I wished I had never given her any money. Her and my DF were divorced 15 years when he died in December. I gave her some money from my inheritance because I thought it was the right thing to do. She isn’t spending it, she wants to give it back to me when she has died. In the meantime I am running round like a headless chicken sorting everything for her!

I'm not sure it's old age. My MIL cannot and will not make decisions. She will agonise over buying a blouse, duvet cover, etc., because she cannot make up her mind whether she likes something. My view is if she doesn't know if she likes something, she probably doesn't like it but has bought a cheap version because she won't buy what she does like.

It extends to offering her a drink. What do you want before dinner MIL? What is there? "There's, red, white, rose, g&t, sherry". "Oh well what are you having". It doesn't matter what I'm having MIL, what do you want? "Oh I'll try and make up my mind". It is a complete inability to take personal responsibility for a decision and to be able to then say "well I had that rose wine because Roses said it was what she was having, but I didn't like it". It's a game and a way of blaming others if she makes the wrong decision.

My mother is the same age, she has never done it.

@RosesAndHellebores I suppose it may help to understand my DM. Yes she is 83 but her cognition is better than mine. She can work her way around a computer like a pro! She uses photoshop and has solved computer errors herself. She has an iPhone and iPad. She belongs to online classes and studies French, Latin and German. She has many hobbies. She is a highly intelligent person.

She has no real friendships. Only me. She must be the best at everything she does and she has little empathy for others. She needs to be wanted and useful. She is always over grateful, thanking me constantly and she can’t make any decisions about anything. I think she has very low self esteem and even depression. If she doesn’t get what she wants, she will stop speaking and everything and I mean, everything is about her. She tells me everything, even about person health issues that you would discuss with a best friend, not your daughter! I feel like her best friend most of the time.

The last issue was a couple of months ago. I didn’t jump at something she wanted so she told me she was looking at an old peoples home where my brother lives! My response, good luck with that. She meant none of it but it was my punishment. I wish she would go.
Even when I went to decorate, she was behind me constantly telling me what was what! She thrives when she is in control!

She is lonely and has built her life around you. She probably would prefer if you moved in with her to keep her company. It is difficult for her to understand that this is not going to happen and you are going to stay with your family.

Boundaries are important and can stop you going insane. Also if you need to switch off your phone for a couple of hours, then so be it.

@Hereforthekickz oh that sounds very like MIL. Especially the being the best, seemingly low self esteem and the lack of friendships --the latter because she won't put herself out and people get fed up running round after her and being put down.

Thankfully I am only the DIL and she is 240 miles away. Her own daughters buggered off to a different Continent after uni which speaks volumes. I leave her to DH. Thankfully I can.

If I were you I'd stop facilitating her. Put down some boundaries. Mum I do x on x day. You have to do y.

@OnlyTheBravest that’s a good idea about the phone.
I get that older people can become lonely and isolated. It’s the way she gets the attention that’s wrong. She has had plenty of opportunities to meet with people but she chooses not to. She falls out with people for no good reason. She is making a choice

@Hereforthekickz Come on over to the Elderly Parent board. You are not alone. Lots of us are dealing with parents who have capacity but are making poor choices.

One piece of advice I can give you is that you are not responsible for the choices your parents made. It does not mean you love them any less but you are not wholly responsible for them.

The world we live is in is different. Most of us are still working and dealing with children. Either they accept help e.g. check out your local AGE UK branch University of the Third Age or they have to accept that you will not be on their beckon call 24 hours a day.

Good lord I could not put up with this. I think I would instigate a visit only once per week (or whatever suits you) claiming to have too much on with your renovations, and then provide minimal input on her decision making- a text such as ‘do whatever you want, I have no opinion’, and that only once per day or every 2 days max no matter how many messages I receive. At some point I’d be brutally blunt -‘mum i’m full on with my own house renovation at the moment, if you can’t decide just stick the money in the bank and forget about it until you feel able to manage it, I can’t help you, I don’t have the time’. Then just keep repeating that message every time the subject comes up. ‘I’ve told you I don’t have time to help, please stop asking.

We??
Speak for yourself!

I don't consider that a snotty message.
I'd far prefer to make the decisions for her, it would save so much time rather than back and forth, when she can't.
I'd state what I'm ordering and give her one day to object, then order it.

When my parents were moving to be close to me, I chose everything. All they needed was their furniture. They had never seen the carpets and furnishings until they arrived.

My dd is in his 90s and dmum has passed. My friends who I have k own since age 13 all struggle with their parents and decision making. So so stubborn about everything. So so indecisive about everything. All the marital/ personal issues now blatantly obvious…drinking not getting along virtually ignoring each other. my 2 besties are from families of 3 kids/ 5 kids but the locals so all falls to them. All this to say you mentioned needing boundaries…we all need boundaries and boundaries are not permanent but evolving as we and our parents age. Don’t let her live with you. It will be non stop and affect your marriage Hope your bathrooms turn out beautifully Dm is truly making a mountain out of a little bump…Roman or rolller who cares in the long term. As pp said easier to operate easier to clean best price point be your guides

@PiggyPigalle you have to be joking! With the best will in the world, I simply would not have time or the mental capacity. 🤪

@Lavenderandbrown thanks 🥰 I think my marriage is going downhill already. I have just tried to tell him that I am feeling frustrated with her and he doesn’t want to engage.
I got mad with him yesterday because it’s taking him ages to finish a job in the house but he sticks to his regular social events, football, boxing etc.

Even his eating habits are driving me nuts 🤣

Hey, I know it’s stressing you, but I think she’s just getting older and losing confidence/wanting support. My mum is a year older and I have to do much more. Some days I end up wiping her backside too. I’d swop with you any day!