AIBU to consider ending a lifelong friendship over this?

[TheNavySwan]

Need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m going mad.
Bit of a long one — thanks in advance if you read this.

So I’m currently debating whether to stay friends with my lifelong best friend (we’ll call her Sarah) after I feel like she’s totally stabbed me in the back.

Basically, there’s another girl (Beth) — someone I’ve known since we were actual babies — who recently got married. Sarah only knows Beth through me. They’ve never been close on their own, barely know each other. I was originally asked to be Beth’s maid of honour, and I accepted.

But at the time, I was dealing with a lot — uni stress, a horrible breakup with a manipulative ex, moving home, and some mental health stuff. I got overwhelmed and told Beth I couldn’t do it anymore. Not proud of it, but I was in a really bad place and not thinking clearly (my ex had a lot to do with that).

In a bit of a panic, Beth then asked Sarah to be her maid of honour instead. Sarah accepted (which I kind of understand, since she was put on the spot). Later on, I broke things off with my ex and started to feel more like myself again, and I reached out to Beth to explain the situation and told her I regretted stepping down.

Beth then offered for me to be a bridesmaid instead, but after a bit of back and forth, we ended up agreeing to share the maid/matron of honour role — since Sarah is married and I’m not. So at that point, all seemed okay again.

Fast forward — time goes on, and neither Sarah nor I actually help Beth with any wedding stuff. Sarah just had a baby, so she’s been busy, and I’ve still been trying to get my life back on track. So we were kind of in the same boat. But then, out of nowhere, Beth sends me this nasty message saying she doesn’t want me at her wedding anymore because I’ve not helped at all. And I’m thinking — okay, but Sarah hasn’t either, yet you’re still best mates with her? Why single me out?

Anyway. The plot thickens.

Turns out, Beth has apparently been lying about her nan being dead for SIX YEARS. I only found this out recently after our mums bumped into each other at the shops, and Beth’s mum let it slip that the nan was very much alive up until 5 days ago. I mean — who lies about that? It’s beyond weird and really rubbed Sarah the wrong way too, especially since she lost her own nan a few years back and was genuinely hurt.

At one point, Sarah even said she wasn’t sure if she was going to the wedding anymore after hearing about all the lies.

But then the wedding comes around and guess what? Sarah still goes. After all that, she still chose to show up and celebrate someone who had been awful to me and who’s clearly not honest or genuine. It feels like a massive betrayal.

Now I’m left feeling like maybe this is a sign from God and He is removing toxic people from my life for a reason. I recently found out I’m pregnant, and honestly, I just don’t want all this drama in my life anymore. I’m trying to protect my peace and do what’s best for me and my baby.

So AIBU to seriously consider cutting off Sarah for still choosing to be friends with Beth and going to the wedding, despite everything?

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading!

Appreciate any honest thoughts.

Yes, looks like the other poster replied whilst i was typing and you replied to them as I pressed send. I am not quick at typing on a phone.

Also what did you think you were asking for when you asked to be a bridesmaid? Did you think it was a nice dress and to be in the photos or did you think you were offering to do a bridesmaid role? What did you think that role should entail ? If you didn’t think you should do any planning or work towards the wedding, what was the fuss about negotiating who was a bridesmaid and who was MOH all about? Surely that was you insisting on taking on responsibility and offering to help?

Turns out, Beth has apparently been lying about her nan being dead for SIX YEARS. I only found this out recently after our mums bumped into each other at the shops, and Beth’s mum let it slip that the nan was very much alive up until 5 days ago. I mean — who lies about that?

Did you ask Beth about the apparent discrepancy between the two dates of her "nan"'s death? If you didn't, is it possible that Sarah did and got an explanation that helped her make more sense of the situation? I can think of several, including that it was two different people.

Superficially, I'd say that Beth and Sarah were both initially very understanding and accommodating of your situation when you stepped down as MOH. Assuming Sarah later stayed in the MOH role even after she became upset with Beth about the nan situation, she did the right thing (not saying that you were wrong, if staying in the role would have been a serious hardship for you, but Sarah's situation was different).

RE Beth asking you to step down as a bridesmaid when she felt you weren't helping enough but not asking Sarah to step down, maybe she felt she'd already given you a second chance and Sarah deserved the same, maybe thought she she could do without one of her bridesmaids but didn't want to switch MOHs for the second time, maybe she saw Sarah's behaviour differently from yours. Only she could tell you. (If neither you or Sarah were doing anything to help (assuming expectations were clear) then I don't think either of you were good bridesmaids or good friends, but that's a side issue.)

I'm not seeing what Sarah has done wrong TO YOU (she probably was at least slightly shitty to Beth), but if you no longer want to be friends with her that's absolutely your choice; how could it not be?

I think this is a big wake up call really.
Try to protect your own peace. Emotions are running high, and I imagine that Sarah felt conflicted, but just decided on damage limitation and kept to plan.

You don't have to do any kind of cutting them off, but it would do you good to step back and leave them to their bonkers stuff.

But, if I've understood rightly, as your post is quite convoluted, you want to drop Sarah for having a different reaction re attending Beth's wedding? Because she didn't bail having learnt Beth's nan wasn't dead after all? Which is the reason you did? Aren't your friends allowed to make different decisions to you?

You make quite a few immature comments too, e.g. about Sarah not really being Beth's friend because she only knows her through you, for instance. You don't own / dictate other people's access to friends because of your relationship with them.

Also being unavailable to help Beth with her wedding - if you decide to accept a role as bridesmaid, you should commit to it. From the brides point of view, you're no friend if you don't.

It's all sounds very childish and vindictive. I don't see though how Sarah has let you down that badly.

It's all a little tedious OP. Surely if you are all in your 30s you have other things going on so as not to be bogged down with this?

Good Lord, this reads to me like Sweet Valley High.
I think bailing twice on your friend means you are the one who is behaving badly here.

My friends and I have all been bridesmaids for each other throughout many different stages of life, including family deaths, miscarriages and relationship breakdowns. We turn up for each other. That’s what friendship is actually like.

It seems that you're directing a lot of anger at Sarah when actually Beth is the one who has been nasty/lied to people. Maybe Sarah is stuck between a rock and a hard place and doesn't want to rock the boat too much. Maybe Sarah isn't that bothered because like you said they haven't always been close. You can't control other people, just how you react.

I hope you're doing well now but it also sounds like you haven't been a very easy friend at time, what about the impact of your behaviour on others? I would be hesitant to be friends with someone who I ask to be MOH, then drops out, then comes back. Did you ever offer to help?

That’s what I thought, we both replied at the same time. And I couldn’t edit my first reply to say I was wrong.

YABU. You pulled out of your role at your friend’s wedding. It was gracious of her to later accept you back, and then you did nothing to help. I can see why she got fed up with you and decided she no longer wanted you involved. You took the piss massively.

Sarah did not stab you in the back, she honoured her commitment to her friend.

It’s really no business of yours about the Nan. She’ll have had her reasons and it does not impact you anyway.

I think both Beth and Sarah would be better without you in your life.

Agree with previous poster that you are not running from drama, you create it.

Hi Op.I can see how you might feel that Beth can't be trusted and so want to cool off that relationship. I really can't see what Sarah has done wrong here. She can't be responsible for Beth choosing to take out 'doing nothing' on you more than her (and that reaction is logical - you were supposed to be the closer friend so will be judged to a higher standard). As for Sarah going to the wedding - you really shouldn't be trying to dictate/control who your friends can see or where they can go.

I have a friend who told me a very similar lie and it's definitely disconcerting. Now you know you can't trust what she says.
But I don't think it's a reason to cut someone off. You just take her with a pinch of salt.
Just generally cool down about it all.
Some people do make things up.
Over the years I've noticed that several of my friends vary their age (sometimes they are the same age as myself and sometimes younger by various amounts).

How do you know it wasn’t her other nan?

You sound really immature, OP and have mucked Beth around a fair bit.

If Beth was no contact with her nan for a very good reason she might have considered nan dead to her so as not to need to explain to people why.

Honestly. This is ridiculous lol. Grown women too.

You can’t control Sarah and Beth’s relationship. If they want to stay friends, be pleased for them. You can only try to fix your own friendships…or end them. That’s the bottom line.

All the facts about lies, and who knew who first, and all the stresses you have all been under, and the betrayals and back stabbings are things only you can weigh up and decide on according to your values.

If you want to keep Sarah as a friend then be a decent, consistent friend to her. If you don’t, then that’s fine not to pursue the friendship any more. Quietly let it go without any drama.

But YABU to expect Sarah not to be friends with Beth. That’s not for you to decide.

The word 'unalive' really pisses me off. Why can people not just say 'dead' FFS. 🙄

The irony is that post. ^

Hey, you're getting things out of proportion. NO, don't dump Sarah. Beth is weirdo, but Sarah isn't betraying you. It's up to her. Perhaps ask her not to talk about Beth, since Beth doesn't merit words wasted, and Beth has treated you like shit, but if Sarah wants to hang out with a psycho, that's her problem.

Need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m going mad.

So you want some outside perspective until someone offers you one that doesn't suit your narrative and then they are wrong/don't understand. Because everything is Beth's fault. Or for some reason her deceased nans.

Both I and you used regular hyphens in our posts. Perfectly normal as you say. The OP has the longer em dash (—). AI-generated texts often also contain the shorter en dash (–). I don't know how to even make these appear in the MN interface - I copied and pasted my examples above from elsewhere.

I cannot see what Sarah has done wrong at all.

Maybe you were singled out because Beth reasonably assumed you would make extra effort having dicked her about. I think, given you pulling out then “going back and forth and agreeing” to share MOH role you should have been fully committed and helpful.

This is on you OP, sorry.

Sarah probably didn’t want to drop Beth right in it with both of you dropping out. Sarah hasn’t done anything wrong. All sounds like childish drama to me. If you want to be her friend then move past it. If you don’t then that’s up to you.

This is all bollocks. Ditch anyone you think of as a 'friend' until you have a mature (distanced) understanding of 'friendship'.

I don't even know where to start with this one, so much unreasonable behaviour.

You're wrong to drop out and then push to have your role back, knowing it had been given to Sarah.
Beth is unreasonable to expect a maid of honour to be her staff and help with planning and arranging the wedding - this expectation is never put on groomsmen.
You are wrong to try and use Sarah as a weapon and force her to drop out.
You are wrong to claim you've 'helped her so much' and then actually refer to your PARENTS helping her out, not you.
Beth may or may not have lied about her nan, most people have 2.
Stop dragging Sarah into your drama
People not doing what you want them to doesn't make them toxic