to have let them pay?

[Motherofrascals]

It's the week before payday. Somehow no matter how much I budget, the end of the month is always tight. DC and I were deciding what to do today and I explained it has to be a 'no money day'. Parks, playgrounds, picnics, bike rides, museums, libraries, hanging at home, inviting someone over...all fine. But anything where we'd need to buy a ticket or spend any money, not fine.

They asked to do something which costs money, but offered to pay for it themselves with birthday/pocket money (adults go free). At this point, honestly, I was pleased and proud they were showing initiative, cooperating with one another, negotiating as a team etc. They have enough to pay without emptying their savings, so I happily agreed.

We're here now, kids are off having fun. However as they were counting their money they told the cashier the story 'Mummy wasn't going to come today' etc... and a person stood close to us started tutting and muttering that no child should have to buy their own tickets and 'What kind of parents don't pay for their children!?'. I sort of stuttered that I was actually very proud of them working together to find a solution to get to do something they'd wanted to do, then we moved away. I didn't want to start explaining the whole backstory, financial circumstances etc. But now I'm starting to feel guilty, and maybe I should have held the boundary that a no money day is just that, regardless of where the funds come from.

AIBU to have let them pay? I was feeling really positive about it all till about 10 minutes ago :(

Honestly not seen one but I 'm glad they are available for you. Mystified by the 'shit farm type places' though.

🙄🙄

There are farms which children go to, which have animals you can cuddle. There are a couple near me. Schools take kids there sometimes, I remember my son going to one and coming out in a rash afterwards. It was gone by the next day, nothing major.

It would break my heart to see my kids spend their money on something like this. Completely illogical but it just would.

OP don’t give this another thought, it was exactly what the birthday money was for, for a treat of their own choosing.

It’s a great life lesson, and you are 💯 right to let them know it’s not an infinite purse that you have for treats.

Fuck the old biddy who commented unwarranted, and made you doubt yourself.

I think you are doing a great job and giving ideas that money can be spent once and it's a devision on whether it is an experience or a thing is not a bad lesson to learn at all. I think a lot of people are happier with experiences than belongings/stuff. I also think talking about finances in an age appropriate way is a fantastic way to parent - especially given how much debt and how little savings the average person has...

It would break your heart? That is mad!

?

It probably is!

Honestly, if they had an opinion they should've offered to pay. This is now the situation with cost of living etc. They'd be the same people moaning about the cost of benefits, moaning if you had to feed your child beans on toast and moaning about free school meals for kids. Ignore them. If you could've afforded it you would have, your dc knew the cost and felt it was a worthwhile spend of their own money, that's totally fair, reasonable and mature of them. Well done you for teaching them the value of money and also what can be done with it...

If the DC choose to spend their money on outings rather material possessions, that is a great decision environmentally speaking. Good for them, and well done you for bringing up such sensible children.

This has been a really interesting thread for me. My initial reaction was that it was a shame that such young children (age 5 to 7 I think) already know that life can be hard.
I'm not suggesting that they think they can do and have everything they wish, but more that they understand a "no money day" and were able to respond in this way.
I think I would have felt uncomfortable knowing my 2 young children worked together 'to help Mummy pay for what we want'.

But having read the thread I see I those feelings would be very unusual.

I was raised in a financially disastrous family with 3 homes repossessed & a father who spent time in prison for fraud. I thought the main impact for me as an adult is that I absolutely prioritise paying bills (there's nothing great about that I know but it's still something I value), but now I can see that maybe in trying to shield my children from witnessing what happens when parents don't manage their money, or worrying about bailiffs knocking on the door I have kept too much to myself.

I have not been open about my salary. I am open about how much the bills are, that we are comfortable but can't spend wily, nilly. I'll tell them if it's been an expensive month so we need to go easy on the extras. But this has only been as they've got older. In OP's situation I don't think I would have said it's a 'no money day', but would have found a way to present the day out at the park (or whatever) as a done deal w/o bringing money into it.

There's a fine line, but I think it's totally fine to make kids aware that you cant always afford the extras but they should be protected from any financial problems that impact needs, i'e paying bills/food/clothes etc. One is teaching money management and that money doesnt grow on trees, the other is shielding them from anxiety over adult situations they have no control over.

I posted above that my children are 6 & 8 and i often tell them they cant have any more spent on treats this months cos I have already paid for x y & z. Otherswise kids grown up with no concept of money, thinking there is no reason they shouldnt have everything they want.

You're not unreasonable, you're just framing it wrong it your mind.

What actually happened was you offered to do something for free with your kids but they wanted a treat. They had the money to purchase this treat for themselves so you took them to enjoy their treat. There is absolutely nothing in the world wrong with this, AND, what you actually did was taught them about saving their money and using their money to purchase goods and services responsibly rather than spending it willy nilly.

I give each of my two older kids - 9 and 5.5 - $5 (Canadian) a week for doing small chores and helping out here and there with their baby sister. They add in any money they get as gifts as well. The deal is that the money is theirs and they can spend it on anything they want. It has so many positive effects:

1. They never grumble or complain when I ask them to do a chore or help with something (the value of working for money).

1. We can go shopping without the meltdowns because when they ask for something I don't have to say "no," I say "If that's what you want to spend your money on then you can buy it yourself, sure," (emotional regulation).

1. They give more thought to their purchases because they want to keep their money for things that mean a lot to them (financial responsibility).

1. My home is filled with less stuff that they only play with once and then never look at again (sanity? Sanity).

My 5.5 y/o just spent $35 today on a make-your-own-slime kit, after saving for weeks, whereas my 9 y/o has been saving even longer and has managed to save over $400 for the PS5 I refuse to buy him.

So no, you're not unreasonable. You spent time with your kids, you taught them about money management, you did good. The ones who were criticizing you were the bad parents not teaching their kids the value of money.

If the kids are of an age where they can’t really understand that spending now means less later, or even though they understand it their impulse control is too weak so they always spend now, then I think it might be an issue.

But moving away from that stage is an important part of growing up and helping them do that by giving them options they can cope with is a core part of good parenting. The woman who commented is utterly wrong to have a hard line on that that infantalises all kids.

It’s good for the kids to make choices about what they want and what’s not worth it if they are capable (which it sounds like they are from your anecdote about one choosing to buy something the other is waiting for a birthday for). I also suspect the telling the cashier about “Mummy wasn’t going to come today…” was partly motivated by pride that they could afford it and chose to do it because they have been saving their money and hadn’t just spent it as soon as they got it. Which is a good sign.